i wanted to write, so here i write.
i'm going to try a little exercise from my college writing class days. i write but i'm not allowed to delete anything. i have to write exactly what comes into my head.
this could be scary and dangerous, depending on my mind, but i've been feeling a kind of inner weirdness lately that has stifled creativity and created a general feeling of "blah". that's why a little uncomfortable digging may be just the thing i need.
a sip of my tea.
here we go. i fear that i will miss out on the chance to do something incredibly important. i don't know what that really means, but it's a nagging feeling i have been nursing for a good while now. or at least, since things went south in japan.
another sip of tea.
what does it mean? do i need to make a career for myself? or, do i need to get my shit together in general? i feel rather not put together right now.
since i came back to the states last august i've been living in a strange limbo. i've been spending a lot of great time with family, but i kind of feel like i'm on an inescapable vacation.
tea is making me hot. i don't know if i should stop drinking tea or just take my shirt off.
taking my shirt off.
that's better.
a nice sip of tea.
should i make a more concerted effort to develop my hobbies into something more meaningful? i love languages and i want to learn more (and improve in the ones i already kinda know), but i find it really hard to get into a real routine.
a pleasantly warming sip of tea.
the truth is, i binge on video games and mindless internet browsing. and tv shows, though i'm not guilty of that now, since i haven't picked a new show after finishing "the l word" last month. the process is very enjoyable, but the result almost never is.
i feel differently about books though. i enjoy books during the read, but also after i finish.
so what benefit do i get out of video games? i don't feel a need to kill boredom, truly. i'm not bored. i just crave the game. or games, rather. i get drawn into the world in much the same you would with a well-written novel, but it's harder to put down. it's harder to say, "enough for today," and move on to something else.
a slightly tepid sip of tea.
i've never been a good goal-setter. that doesn't mean i can't become one, true. but would i respond better to other tactics?
i've tried stopping things cold-turkey before and that generally comes back to bite me. maybe i need to strive for moderation. i CAN play games every day. but i don't have to play ALL day.
i am resistant to set strict rules for myself of, "you can only play video games after doing X task." resistant? i meant hesitant. if i set strict rules i'm bound to break them.
rather, i think i should not set rules, but rather (two rathers in a sentence? really?) but just make a goal to do one X thing today. the "X" thing could be:
-write some in my book
-write a blog post
-knit a bit
-read
i have a lot of options as to what that "X" could be.
a sip of tea to put me back on topic.
back on topic? well, more like back to the original conundrum. feeling off. i think video game/internet/TV binging contributes to a general feeling of aimlessness, but the core issue lies elsewhere.
either, i need to start thinking about a long-term "i'm down with this" type of career, or i need to fully embrace not having one and being a renaissance woman.
because i want to start my own business. no. i don't like the word business.
i want to start my own trade. i want to be a creative handyman of sorts. i'm going to think about this some more because this sounds a lot cooler than finding a "career". but first i'll do some laundry and play video games.
a final gulp of tea.
