trans-news and bathrooms!

some trans-updates (this is the only type of news i have these days):

1) got a free consultation from a local electrologist* (half-hour walk from my house) last saturday. aside from giving me information and what-not, she did about 20 hairs for free, and it was a lot less painful than i had anticipated. i'm going to start weekly (or biweekly, money-permitting) sessions this thursday. goodbye facial hair (after months/years of treatment >_<)!

*electrologists perform electrolysis—a method of permanent hair removal.

2) today i saw a doctor and got some blood drawn—all in preparation for starting hrt (hormone replacement therapy). assuming my thyroid works and i don't have diabetes, i'll be starting the 'mones next week! goodbye flat chest (after months/years of treatment >_<)!

that's it for news, but i think we need to have a little chat. my friend was asking me about this the other day, and being a pretty big issue i thought it post-worthy. the topic is bathrooms. public bathrooms are a tricky place for trannies.

stalls themselves are usually private (not talking about gas station bathrooms that commonly feature 'glory holes'), but going from out here to inside a stall requires passing through a gender-segregated gauntlet of sorts. if you look like a dude in a dress you won't be welcome in either bathroom. but holding it in isn't always an option.

so whaddaya do? a tranny friend of mine says that for her the bathroom transition happened on accident. she used the men's room until she kept getting told that she was in the wrong bathroom. but what if you don't get to a point where you "pass"?

should we have third gender bathrooms? should bathrooms be unisex? my personal struggle with bathroom anxiety continues. sometimes it's just easier to revert to boy-mode, but i hate feeling like i'm going in reverse. sure i can look and act like a boy—i've had 25 years of practice—but it doesn't feel like me. my core personality still may shine through, yes, but i don't feel honest; i don't feel whole.

with any luck, my bathroom change will happen on accident too. ^-^ "excuse me miss, this is the men's room." to which i'll respond "kyaaaa! oh my god, oh my god, oh my gawwwwwd...." as i make a mad dash for the door. someday. someday.


next time on tanuki talk...

...sami hosts a dinner party?! tune in to see who was on the guest list, what came up in conversation, and what was on the menu!

my contributions to art

back in october i was stage manager for a production of chekhov's uncle vanya. at this moment i'm killing time while one video uploads to youtube and the next one renders (did i need a comma there? dammit, i hate how english deals with embedded clauses!).

so here are links to the vanya vids:

byu show:

act ii part 1 | part 2

act iv part 1 | part 2

orem library show:

act i part 1 | part 2

act ii full vid

act iii full vid

when i put these all on youtube, i was reminded of a class project i did about 2 years ago. a very awesome classmate and i made a 25 minute video analyzing and parodying the various literary movements in post-edo (read: modern) japan. most segments were live-action spoofs of japanese classics, but my favorite segment was animated.

over thanksgiving break 2008, i animated (sara colored) the following clip and set it to nick drake's pink moon:

one thousand and one second stories. the animation follows the text very closely sans dialogue. this is adaptation, not parody (isn't japanese literature fun?).

in watching this, i've decided i should start doing fun and creative things again. i'd like to use the fleshed-out-stick-figure-with-a-hat character again—i think he really gels with my drawing style (primitive).

hopefully this time i'll be making more than just empty promises when i say i'm going to be creative again!

too lazy for a post with content

i just wrote an informational page for tanuki talk as a sort of trans-primer. it talks about what it means to be transgender (or transsexual) in a general sense and then gives an overview of my own experience to date. it can be found under "tanuki info" on the left bar, which has become simpler—text links instead of image links.

in other news, life is good, and i love everyone! (except for nicholas cage)

in case you needed it...

some clarification:

1) i'm not yet "going girl" full-time. i'll have to build up to this, which includes some very important steps (in order):

• doing things in public as a girl, with friends. movies, groceries, restaurants, etc.

• doing things in public as a girl, alone. movies, groceries, restaurants, etc.

• talking to HR at my work. at my current job i might have to get transferred if i want to present as female at work. i'm pretty nervous about this, so it might be a while before i do anything about it.

this isn't to say that i don't want to go full-time, it just takes more than a week to get there. ^o^

2) there's more to my life than simply being trans. i'm not sure if i need to say this more for you or more for me. my last couple blog posts (this one included) have been pretty trans-heavy. i don't see it as a new direction for the blog. nor do i see this as a "new" me. rather, it's just an indication of what's been blog-worthy in my life lately.

and for those of you who may be concerned that i'm no longer the same 'ben' you used know, i say this—after i got home from meeting with my therapist yesterday, i did nothing but play WoW, drink beer, and eat pizza. how very unladylike of me! (shame on you for clinging to arbitrary social gender norms!)

i feel the need to salvage this post into something more than just a trans-rant, but i'm drawing a blank right now.

here's a post photo shoot picture of me:

this is the corner where i had the sheets hung up as my backdrop. i don't know what that funny spot to the upper left of my head is—must be a weird lens flare. i consider this my "boi" look. still a bit made up. still wearing girl pants (as so many boys do anyway). this is about the limit to how manly i feel. ever.

america's next top (tranny) model???

i gave myself 3 haircuts yesterday. lucky for you, i documented each haircut in a variety of poses and outfits. thanks to my gorilla pod i was able to handle all the camera work myself, but it probably would have been more fun with a dedicated photographer asking me for "fierce" and reminding me to "smize".

here are my fav pics:

actually, i take it back. i don't really like this photo. but of all the shots taken before straightening/styling my hair, this was the best. something weird is going on with my lips and it looks like i have herpes.

i like this photo oodles better. this was a fun hair style to make. first, i straightened my hair. then i put my hair up in a high ponytail. i divided the tail in half, and spiraled the two around the base of the pony tail and each other, all held in place with another hair tie and bobby pins. i then pulled some strands out of the ponytail and loosened the whole thing a bit. here's a detail shot of the bun:

it creates this really cool "donut fountain" look (i'm not sure how else to describe it). this was an adaptation of juicystar07's braided top knot tutorial (my hair wasn't long enough to braid).

alright! back to my glam shots:

first cut: bangs. my hair is in a pony tail, with some token strands in front of my ears (in case you were confused).

second cut: trying to look like ramona flowers. fails in a few ways:
• not an awesome color (like pink. or blue. or aqua.)
• bangs too low, checks too covered • the long strands in front aren't pronounced enough from the layering behind them
for comparison:

oh, and one more: my eyebrows aren't sculpted enough (i've been too scared of messing up to do much beyond plucking unibrow territory).

continuing with that same haircut:

this is my pain face. i really should stretch more often.

third cut: hacked it all off! this was my best attempt at a unisex haircut that will allow me to be presentable for a job interview without feeling so mannish.

now, let's take one last look at my crazy long hair:

i'll miss you :(

well, that's all for the photo shoot. there were plenty more pictures, but i'd rather not burn out your eyes, so we'll leave it with those.

and finally, here are some photos of my christmas tree:

(context)

(detail)

it turned out to be a lot cheaper and cleaner than a traditional tree, yet it still brought that holiday spirit into our bro-house (a pink double-wide with 5/6 guys and 1/0 girls, depending on how you count me)!

oh. and for the record, i clearly don't have boobs, but it's nice to pretend sometimes.