...and i feel better

there are some wonderfully simple things i can do to feel awesome about myself. i just did a handful of them:

• showering
• shaving (not the process, more the result)
• washing my face
• putting on clean undies

the result:

with my last post i intended to put a stop to my shirtless photos, but i got the lighting to be a bit more flattering by posing in my fluorescent kitchen. and i can be vain at times.

i'm gonna go put on my oversized t-shirt (yes, the girly kind) and crawl into bed. two more things that make me feel good. ^_^

the start of something better

after reading hyperbole and a half i've realized that my blog doesn't display enough of my personality. it's often intellectually revealing, but my wackiness is perhaps masked a bit too much. i'm inspired to use my real camera more (instead of my built-in macbook webcam), and also insert some of my drawings. remember how i said i'd put in a picture with every post? now there'll be interesting drawings and photos instead of unflattering shirtless snapshots of me.

i just glanced in my old (and only) sketchbook and found a few gems. i'll share four:

i started my sketchbook as a dream journal. this is the first and only page dealing with dreams. this would've been early 2004.

the hudson river and new jersey as viewed from the financial district in manhattan. this is hands-down my most time consuming and visually appealing ballpoint sketch. summer 2004.

this is bailey, my childhood dog. three of her legs are hidden because she is lying down. i didn't draw the floor. late summer 2004.

so this one time i was riding in someone's car in east provo, south of byu campus, and i saw a lady pushing around an empty stroller. i connected the dots and drew this picture. early 2007.

given my status as a level 4 penmaster, i should be able to draw a decent-looking tanuki for the blog banner. the real problem is i have spent so little time leveling since 2004. time to get back into it, eh?

WAIT. i can't be a penmaster. i need to think of a more all-encompassing class...bohemian? renaissance kid? renaissance kid. or lancer.

for the love of...

...small spaces. i was recently reminded of how i often volunteer to ride in the trunk when there are more people than seats. i have the hardest time convincing people that i actually enjoy it.

...tacky things. like my straightener from walmart. i don't like everything to be tacky, but i do need some token tacky in my life.

...unsweetened soy milk. why mask excellence with sugar?

...wacky ideas. i decided to learn french the other day. i can conjugate être now. if this is like any of my other wacky ideas, it'll be forgotten about next week.

...this moment. sitting on the floor. the lingering taste of moose drool. random three-year-old ogling the cat. almost hot enough to be uncomfortable.

30 days of no meat

last night i won a bet. i downed 50 chicken mcnuggets, large fries, and a large drink in under an hour (it only took me 35 minutes). the shitty feeling that followed inspired me to declare myself vegetarian for the next 30 days.

the rules:

• no meat (including but not limited to: beef, chicken, pork, turkey, fish, shellfish, or any flavoring derived from animal meat)
• yes milk (and its derivatives)
• yes eggs

honestly, i was thinking of going vegan for 30 days, but i have a carton of eggs in the fridge that i really ought to use in the next few weeks, and i don't want to be wasteful.

also, i'm gonna start including pictures with every post. as a rule. and there will be mouse-over text. as a rule.

life update

romeo & juliet went out with a bang last monday. before the show, the director told us, "if you want to do something on stage, go for it. follow your impulses." the result? the best show of the whole run. and the most fun. everyone went deeper with their characters, they made riskier decisions, and it paid off big. awesome.

the company's next show is uncle vanya, which will run the last two weeks of october. i auditioned for it—and came more excited and prepared than i had to any previous audition—but i didn't make the cut >.< i did volunteer to help out, so now i've been dubbed "stage manager". rehearsals just started up on wednesday.

i've started studying for the jlpt, which i'll take in december (in los angeles whoo!). i haven't done much with japanese in the last three months, and it feels good to be reading, hearing, and using the language again. i added a japanese introduction page (タヌキって誰？ is actually a button now).

most exciting of all (for me at least): my mind is being blown away by the power of now (i mentioned this in an earlier post). literally. i don't feel there's one book or one philosopher / religious teacher that has all the answers, but this makes my list of awesome words to live by. for your reference i've included the list so far:

• tao te ching
• the bible
• the book of mormon
• the tao of pooh
• the power of now

i suspect i'll add the qur'an once i read it. something by rousseau might end up on the list too. i may pick a good shakespeare to throw in as well.

oh. and here's a picture update:

despite what the picture may seem to convey, i'm actually feeling quite good about life! this may be related to the fact that i just bought a bottle of sake.

embrace your awesome

i'm willing to bet that every single person in the world is fascinating. the reason we think most people are boring is because they don't embrace their awesome.

it may sound a bit vain, but i think i'm a beautifully complicated human being. for a long time i thought i was a math-science kid. now, i'm japanese degree toting thespian. i dream of having my own tiny restaurant where no wall separates the customers from the kitchen. i enjoy plain lattes (no flavoring or sugar). i like walking home from work—all 6 miles of it. i'm a chameleon, adapting to whatever situation and locale i'm in. i secretly enjoy my own farts. i believe in love, but rarely allow myself to be that vulnerable. sometimes i worry that my ass is too big, and at other times i worry that it's slowly disappearing. i fear, but have not yet experienced, hair loss. pastrami is my drug. i put a lot of stock in dreams, and sometimes read too much into them.

i'm weird, and that's awesome. next time you're about to write someone off, you should ask, "what's your awesome?" push them long enough, and they'll spit it out.

find their fascinating. embrace your awesome.


in other news, i'm working on a stage adaptation of a christmas carol.

the past 1 - tanuki 0

i've always hated the idea of public prayer. one person communicating with god vocally, representing everyone in the room? no, you don't represent me. and i doubt my honest prayer would represent you.

yesterday, i had a rather ugly experience with praying in public. the director and most of the cast of romeo & juliet are mormon (i'm one of two who aren't), so it's not that weird that we have cast prayer before each show. usually, someone will volunteer to say the prayer, though on occasion the director will ask a specific person to pray. last night, the director caught me off guard. she asked me to pray. really, me? don't you remember the time i drank champagne in front of you? don't you remember the conversation we had about how i'm a chameleon living among mormons?

i have no idea what was going through her head. maybe she was trying to give an outsider a chance to pray with the group in his own way. maybe she was trying to spur a lost soul back onto the path of redemption. maybe she just wasn't thinking at all.

the worst part of all: i said yes. "oh shit," i thought. "how do i even say a prayer that i'm comfortable with?" immediately and unintentionally i fell back into familiar patterns of prayer. and at "amen" i felt thoroughly disgusted. i couldn't even stand up for myself? i couldn't have said "no, thank you"? i couldn't have prayed in a way that felt true to my own beliefs? apparently not. i have been too well trained to pray for others' ears.

in my mind, prayer is (or should be) communication. the "god" i feel is everywhere—in everything. how the hell do i turn meditation into a 30-second public speech? shitty. next time i'm politely refusing. it's decided.

my past, you win this round. but i won't lie down so easily next time.

walk walk

i went for a walk today (or yesterday, since it's past midnight). according to google maps it was about 10 miles total—with two sizable breaks.

part 1:
my roommate wanted to go out for some grub and i decided to tag along. as luck would have it, the used jeep he bought yesterday refused to start. having sat around all day—and feeling extremely tired for having done nothing—i was determined to leave the house for a bit. so i set out on foot. i crossed university parkway, and with walmart sinking out of view behind me i headed north on an oddly charming street with a rather sterile name—400 west.

if i had to choose one word to describe the street, it would be personality. this is no cookie-cutter neighborhood (at least not until you get north of center street). it was as if each plot of land was a large-scale caricature of its owner. some flashy, some plain. some private, some open. some lush, some barren. i passed by a peach orchard, and at the end of it there was a young girl yelling "peaches! we got peaches and nectarines!" ("nectarines" sounded like "ice cream" from far away, and i was a bit disappointed when that became clear). i bought a peach for 50 cents. it was quite good—not the most flavorful peach, but it had a good, crisp consistent texture. there's something wonderful about the unplanned roadside purchase of a piece of fruit. 400 west lost the diversity of personality a few blocks later, but i took my time with the peach and hardly noticed the loss.

part 2:
i met up with a friend for coffee at the end of my 400 west walk. we took the bus down to starbucks, sipped our designer drinks, and tried to talk of happy things (which can be hard in utah valley). we missed the last bus by 10 minutes, so we had to walk back. our path took us north on 400 east. i'm not sure how 400 east and 400 west compare visually—good conversation and low light made such observation impossible. we talked. it was nice. i have far too many inane conversations, so 400 east was refreshing.

part 3:
after hanging out for a few minutes, i headed out once more. i retraced my steps along 400 west, now dark and deserted. with little visual stimuli and no desire to entertain an hour of inner monologue, i sang some shibuya-kei classics by pizzicato five and capsule all the way home—a good way to wrap up the night:

三月のある日曇り空のお昼すぎ
レコード買いに二人きりでドライブ
あっあっあっあっ
サングラスかけたキミは僕のドライバー
黒い皮の手袋よくにあう
バックシートで僕はいつも酔っぱらっている
風に吹かれてすごくfeelin' groovy
グルービーな音楽が聞こえたら
僕の baby baby driver
僕の baby baby driver
スピードあげて！

pizzicato five, mini cooper