it's never too early to make new year's resolutions. but because nobody ever actually accomplishes the so-named resolutions, i think a name change is in order.
i'm hereby renaming my new year's resolutions "the forecast".
so here's the forecast:
1) i'm going to inquire at an american consulate about legal name changes.
looking back, it all probably would've been a lot less headache had i changed my name before leaving the country. (>_<) let's see if we can make it happen from overseas.
2) my scalp is going to be happy again.
if my current strategies don't produce results i'm going to find a new dermatologist—one who actually has time to listen.
3) i will finally contact/consult a japanese gender specialist doctor
i've had the contact info of a highly recommended guy for a while now. i have no excuse.
4) my 101 list will get revamped.
some items have been made obsolete. others i've lost interest in. with the gusto of a new year, 101 in 1001 will live again (and you'll see updates, too!)
5) i am going to take and pass N1 (japanese language proficiency test - 日本語能力試験).
i was going to take it in secret a few weeks ago, but i was feeling a bit ill and chickened out that day. either way i wouldn't have passed—i just wanted to see what the test was like to get an idea of how much more i'd have to know to pass it. i missed that chance to preview it, but i intend to obliterate the test. that's how awesome i intend to become. (note that "the forecast" only includes #5 itself. all the commentary afterwards is just me rambling.)
6) i will audition for something!
seriously. i can't be forgettin' my dreams now, ya know?
i'll possibly have some more things to add to the forecast later. but this is an ok start.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Friday, November 25, 2011
what you didn't want to know about my head...
the battle for my scalp just got serious.
i wanted to grow out my hair (it was coming along so nicely!). but for the sake of a healthy head (that actually has some hair left on it), i had to cut it.
ever since late may (about 1 month after i moved to japan), i've had three huge, lingering, and terribly itchy scabs on my scalp. one's front and center, and the other two are on either side slightly above and behind the ears.
this also happened both times i came to japan previously, but then cleared up after i went back to america.
so i thought—maybe it's a problem with japanese shampoo? or something in the environment?
with that hope, i determined to bear my affliction until august, when i'd be in america for a few days and could get my hands on some safe shampoo.
all the while it got bigger and itchier, and more hair found its way to shower drain.
then at last i had the promised shampoo!—$1-suave from walmart.
but nothing changed. i wouldn't say it got worse after switching shampoos, but the leprosy has just run its course a little more, and yet more hair has ended up in my drain.
***grotesque picture interlude***
so i cut my hair, and lo and behold there was irritated, hairless skin underneath!
here is the hair i cut from that region of my head. THIS WAS HANGING OFF MY HEAD. it's as though my scalp melted and re-solidified with all my hair held captive, and then slowly peeled away from my head leaving me with thoroughly uncombable and entirely disgusting hair.
***back to the narrative***
so i bit the bullet and went to see a dermatologist. after the slightest of glances, he prescribed me some sort of topical lotion. i was dubious, but had no other options, finding most google searches on the issue completely useless.
but i had a problem. lots of out-of-control semi-long curly hair, a large area of scalp to cover, and only a 10ml bottle of lotion? i tried. the areas that i could get did feel a little better, but it was just too hard to see/feel where i was putting it.
so i struggled with the decision to cut my hair. now that i have a four day weekend, i decided to do it, hoping that my now naked head can heal up before i have to go back to work.
but given the picture above, i don't think my head will look entirely normal for a little while. (ToT)
if the lotion doesn't work, i just stumbled across something that suggests this might be fungal—in which case using a apple cider vinegar + peroxide combo is supposedly quite effective.
hope my hair comes back.
i wanted to grow out my hair (it was coming along so nicely!). but for the sake of a healthy head (that actually has some hair left on it), i had to cut it.
ever since late may (about 1 month after i moved to japan), i've had three huge, lingering, and terribly itchy scabs on my scalp. one's front and center, and the other two are on either side slightly above and behind the ears.
this also happened both times i came to japan previously, but then cleared up after i went back to america.
so i thought—maybe it's a problem with japanese shampoo? or something in the environment?
with that hope, i determined to bear my affliction until august, when i'd be in america for a few days and could get my hands on some safe shampoo.
all the while it got bigger and itchier, and more hair found its way to shower drain.
then at last i had the promised shampoo!—$1-suave from walmart.
but nothing changed. i wouldn't say it got worse after switching shampoos, but the leprosy has just run its course a little more, and yet more hair has ended up in my drain.
***grotesque picture interlude***
so i cut my hair, and lo and behold there was irritated, hairless skin underneath!
here is the hair i cut from that region of my head. THIS WAS HANGING OFF MY HEAD. it's as though my scalp melted and re-solidified with all my hair held captive, and then slowly peeled away from my head leaving me with thoroughly uncombable and entirely disgusting hair.
***back to the narrative***
so i bit the bullet and went to see a dermatologist. after the slightest of glances, he prescribed me some sort of topical lotion. i was dubious, but had no other options, finding most google searches on the issue completely useless.
but i had a problem. lots of out-of-control semi-long curly hair, a large area of scalp to cover, and only a 10ml bottle of lotion? i tried. the areas that i could get did feel a little better, but it was just too hard to see/feel where i was putting it.
so i struggled with the decision to cut my hair. now that i have a four day weekend, i decided to do it, hoping that my now naked head can heal up before i have to go back to work.
but given the picture above, i don't think my head will look entirely normal for a little while. (ToT)
if the lotion doesn't work, i just stumbled across something that suggests this might be fungal—in which case using a apple cider vinegar + peroxide combo is supposedly quite effective.
hope my hair comes back.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
speech! SPEECH!
so my last post was my rough draft of a speech i gave last week at a speech contest. i didn't win. but the participation prize was ¥5000 so i'm not complaining. :P
here's the final version of my speech (thanks to the friendly editors on lang-8 and friends here in japan!) and a sentence by sentence strict translation:
皆さん、こんにちは。
子供の頃のことをよく覚えていますか。嫌いな食べ物がいっぱいありましたね。納豆はどうでしたか？食べられましたか。それとも、大人になってから食べられるようになったのですか。まあ、今でも食べられない方もいると思いますが、一度成人したら、嫌いな食べ物は少なくなるでしょう。
私の場合、ライス、サラダ、キノコ、野菜などが大嫌いでした。生の人参以外はね。１４歳の頃、ニューヨーク市に引っ越すことになりました。新しい経験がたくさんありました。そして、両親と中華料理や韓国料理の店に月に何回も行きました。それをとおして、少しずつ以前に嫌いな物になれてきて、ついに「うぁ、うまい！これ」というところまでいったのです。
今は、野菜もご飯も大好きになって、嫌いな食べ物はほとんどありません。ウニだけですかね。しかし、私の友人の一人は完全に逆です。魚や脂が付いている肉はだめなので、日本に住んでいても和食を避けて、毎日マックで食事するらしいです。そんな彼と外食するのは大変です。それを考えたら、何でも食べられるようになった自分は、ラッキーですよね。誰とでも食事できるし、どこに行っても平気ですからね。しかも、選択肢があります。
飲み物もそうです。初めてコーヒーを飲んだ時はまずいと思ったのです。ミルクや砂糖を入れていなかったせいかもしれません。でもあきらめずに、飲み続けました。それは、二年前のことです。２４歳までコーヒーをずっと飲まなかった私が、どうしてこんなまずいものを好きになるまで飲み続けていたのでしょうか。それは、飲まないのは私だけじゃ寂しいし、「よかったらコーヒーでも飲みに行かない？」と言えずに、うまくデートに誘う事ができないんじゃないかというような事を思っていたからです。それで、だんだんどんな種類にもブラック・コーヒーにも慣れただけではなく、好きになりました。
確かに、新しい食べ物と飲み物を試して、味わう事が好きですけど、飲食関係ではない新しい経験も求めて、味わうのが好きだという事に最近気がつきました。今までの人生を振り返ってみると、それがはっきり分かりました。
高校を卒業した後、ニューヨークを出て、アメリカ西部のユタ州にある大学に入りました。一年後、学校を二年間休んで、自分の所属していた教会でボランティアをして、カリフォルニアに引っ越して、そこにある中国人の教会に入り、いろんな活動に参加しました。当然中国語も勉強していました。それが終わって、大学に戻って日本語を勉強しはじめたのです。日本語を専攻していて、卒業の一年前に時間があったので演劇の授業を受けることにしました。次の学期にクラスメートの劇に出て、その後、大学の夏芝居にも出演しました。それで、大学卒業して、今年四月に日本に引っ越してきたのです。
このように、新しい経験が次から次へとやってきます。これからも、未知の世界に挑みたいと思います。例えば、皆さんにかっこわるいと思われるかもしれませんけれども、コンビニか吉野家のようなバイトもしたいと思います。こういうのを体験すれば、同じような仕事をしている人の事をもっと分かるようになると思います。バイトの事だけではなく、他人の暮らし方、考え方、話し方などを試せば、いろんな人と関係ができるでしょう。コミュニケーションがとれるでしょう。
皆さん、いかがですか。未知の世界に行きませんか。向こうにはごちそうが私たちを待っています。さあ、行きましょう。
ありがとうございました。
hello everyone,
remember when you were a child? there were a lot of foods you hated, right? how about natto? did you eat that? or were you not able to eat until you were an adult? well, there are probably some people who still don't like it, but in general when we become adults we start to like many of the things we once hated.
in my case, i absolutely hated rice, salad, mushrooms, and all sorts of vegetables (raw carrots aside). when i was 14, my family moved to new york. i had many new experiences there. from around that time i started going out to eat a few times a month with my parents, often to chinese and korean restaurants. through that practice, i slowly became accustomed to eating those foods i previously hated, and even got to the point of feeling, "wow, this is GOOD."
now, i love vegetables and rice, and i feel like i no longer have any foods i genuinely dislike. except maybe sea-urchin. but i have a friend who's the complete opposite. he doesn't like fish and doesn't like meat that has any fat on it, so even though he lives in japan, he avoids japanese food, and basically eats at mcdonald's everyday. it's quite difficult to go out to eat with him. when i thought about that i realized that i'm very lucky that i can now eat anything. you see, i can go out to eat with anyone—it doesn't matter where we go because i'll be fine with whatever. and i have options.
it's the same with drinks. when i first tried coffee i thought it was disgusting. that might have been because there was no milk or sugar in it. but i didn't give up, and i kept drinking. so why exactly was i so determined to keep drinking coffee until i liked it, despite it being so gross? well, i felt a bit lonely being the only one who didn't drink coffee, and i wasn't sure if i could date properly or effectively without being able to say the words, "how about coffee sometime?". well eventually i not only came to tolerate all types/styles of coffee—even black—but i now legitimately like them.
clearly, i like trying and savoring new foods and drinks, but recently i realized that actually just like seeking out and enjoying new experiences, even ones unrelated to eating and drinking. looking back on my life, this is easy to see.
after i graduated high school, i left new york and went to a university in utah (a state in the western part of america). a year later, i took two years off to do volunteer work for the church i was in, and went to california to participate in the activities of a chinese congregation there. while i was there i studied chinese, naturally. after that, i returned to school and started studying japanese. i majored in japanese, and about 1 year before graduating i had some extra time, so i started taking acting classes. the next semester i appeared in some plays that my friends directed, and then i starred in my university's summer play. then i graduated and moved to japan this last april.
new experiences just come after the other. i want to continue exploring new worlds. for example, though i know you may not think much of me for this, i want to get a part time job at a convenience store or fast food joint. i feel that having this kind of experience would allow me to better understand the people who serve me at these establishments now. but not just part-time jobs—if we try out other people's ways of living, thinking, and talking we'll be ale to relate to them so much better. and we'll be able to communicate better.
well, what do you think? why don't you take a step or two into the unknown? there's a whole feast of new experiences waiting for us. so, shall we go?
thank you very much.
here's the final version of my speech (thanks to the friendly editors on lang-8 and friends here in japan!) and a sentence by sentence strict translation:
皆さん、こんにちは。
子供の頃のことをよく覚えていますか。嫌いな食べ物がいっぱいありましたね。納豆はどうでしたか？食べられましたか。それとも、大人になってから食べられるようになったのですか。まあ、今でも食べられない方もいると思いますが、一度成人したら、嫌いな食べ物は少なくなるでしょう。
私の場合、ライス、サラダ、キノコ、野菜などが大嫌いでした。生の人参以外はね。１４歳の頃、ニューヨーク市に引っ越すことになりました。新しい経験がたくさんありました。そして、両親と中華料理や韓国料理の店に月に何回も行きました。それをとおして、少しずつ以前に嫌いな物になれてきて、ついに「うぁ、うまい！これ」というところまでいったのです。
今は、野菜もご飯も大好きになって、嫌いな食べ物はほとんどありません。ウニだけですかね。しかし、私の友人の一人は完全に逆です。魚や脂が付いている肉はだめなので、日本に住んでいても和食を避けて、毎日マックで食事するらしいです。そんな彼と外食するのは大変です。それを考えたら、何でも食べられるようになった自分は、ラッキーですよね。誰とでも食事できるし、どこに行っても平気ですからね。しかも、選択肢があります。
飲み物もそうです。初めてコーヒーを飲んだ時はまずいと思ったのです。ミルクや砂糖を入れていなかったせいかもしれません。でもあきらめずに、飲み続けました。それは、二年前のことです。２４歳までコーヒーをずっと飲まなかった私が、どうしてこんなまずいものを好きになるまで飲み続けていたのでしょうか。それは、飲まないのは私だけじゃ寂しいし、「よかったらコーヒーでも飲みに行かない？」と言えずに、うまくデートに誘う事ができないんじゃないかというような事を思っていたからです。それで、だんだんどんな種類にもブラック・コーヒーにも慣れただけではなく、好きになりました。
確かに、新しい食べ物と飲み物を試して、味わう事が好きですけど、飲食関係ではない新しい経験も求めて、味わうのが好きだという事に最近気がつきました。今までの人生を振り返ってみると、それがはっきり分かりました。
高校を卒業した後、ニューヨークを出て、アメリカ西部のユタ州にある大学に入りました。一年後、学校を二年間休んで、自分の所属していた教会でボランティアをして、カリフォルニアに引っ越して、そこにある中国人の教会に入り、いろんな活動に参加しました。当然中国語も勉強していました。それが終わって、大学に戻って日本語を勉強しはじめたのです。日本語を専攻していて、卒業の一年前に時間があったので演劇の授業を受けることにしました。次の学期にクラスメートの劇に出て、その後、大学の夏芝居にも出演しました。それで、大学卒業して、今年四月に日本に引っ越してきたのです。
このように、新しい経験が次から次へとやってきます。これからも、未知の世界に挑みたいと思います。例えば、皆さんにかっこわるいと思われるかもしれませんけれども、コンビニか吉野家のようなバイトもしたいと思います。こういうのを体験すれば、同じような仕事をしている人の事をもっと分かるようになると思います。バイトの事だけではなく、他人の暮らし方、考え方、話し方などを試せば、いろんな人と関係ができるでしょう。コミュニケーションがとれるでしょう。
皆さん、いかがですか。未知の世界に行きませんか。向こうにはごちそうが私たちを待っています。さあ、行きましょう。
ありがとうございました。
hello everyone,
remember when you were a child? there were a lot of foods you hated, right? how about natto? did you eat that? or were you not able to eat until you were an adult? well, there are probably some people who still don't like it, but in general when we become adults we start to like many of the things we once hated.
in my case, i absolutely hated rice, salad, mushrooms, and all sorts of vegetables (raw carrots aside). when i was 14, my family moved to new york. i had many new experiences there. from around that time i started going out to eat a few times a month with my parents, often to chinese and korean restaurants. through that practice, i slowly became accustomed to eating those foods i previously hated, and even got to the point of feeling, "wow, this is GOOD."
now, i love vegetables and rice, and i feel like i no longer have any foods i genuinely dislike. except maybe sea-urchin. but i have a friend who's the complete opposite. he doesn't like fish and doesn't like meat that has any fat on it, so even though he lives in japan, he avoids japanese food, and basically eats at mcdonald's everyday. it's quite difficult to go out to eat with him. when i thought about that i realized that i'm very lucky that i can now eat anything. you see, i can go out to eat with anyone—it doesn't matter where we go because i'll be fine with whatever. and i have options.
it's the same with drinks. when i first tried coffee i thought it was disgusting. that might have been because there was no milk or sugar in it. but i didn't give up, and i kept drinking. so why exactly was i so determined to keep drinking coffee until i liked it, despite it being so gross? well, i felt a bit lonely being the only one who didn't drink coffee, and i wasn't sure if i could date properly or effectively without being able to say the words, "how about coffee sometime?". well eventually i not only came to tolerate all types/styles of coffee—even black—but i now legitimately like them.
clearly, i like trying and savoring new foods and drinks, but recently i realized that actually just like seeking out and enjoying new experiences, even ones unrelated to eating and drinking. looking back on my life, this is easy to see.
after i graduated high school, i left new york and went to a university in utah (a state in the western part of america). a year later, i took two years off to do volunteer work for the church i was in, and went to california to participate in the activities of a chinese congregation there. while i was there i studied chinese, naturally. after that, i returned to school and started studying japanese. i majored in japanese, and about 1 year before graduating i had some extra time, so i started taking acting classes. the next semester i appeared in some plays that my friends directed, and then i starred in my university's summer play. then i graduated and moved to japan this last april.
new experiences just come after the other. i want to continue exploring new worlds. for example, though i know you may not think much of me for this, i want to get a part time job at a convenience store or fast food joint. i feel that having this kind of experience would allow me to better understand the people who serve me at these establishments now. but not just part-time jobs—if we try out other people's ways of living, thinking, and talking we'll be ale to relate to them so much better. and we'll be able to communicate better.
well, what do you think? why don't you take a step or two into the unknown? there's a whole feast of new experiences waiting for us. so, shall we go?
thank you very much.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
未知の世界
まだ校正されてない、今週発表するスピーチです：
皆さん、こんにちは。
子供の頃よく覚えていますか。嫌いな食べ物はいっぱいありましたね。納豆はどうでしたか？食べられましたか。それとも、大人になってから食べるようになったのですか。まあ、今でも食べられない方もいると思いますが、一般成人したら、嫌いな食べ物は少なくなるでしょう。
私の場合、ライス、サラダ、キノコ、野菜などが大嫌いでした。生の人参以外がね。１４歳の頃、ニューヨーク市に引っ越すことになりました。新しい経験がたくさんありました。それに、両親と中華や韓国料理の店に月に何回も行く事をとおして、少しずつ以前に嫌いな物になれてきて、ついに「うぁ、うまい！これ」っていうことまでいったのです。
今、野菜もご飯も大好きになって、嫌いな食べ物はほとんどありません。だいたいウニだけですかね。しかし、私の友人の中で、一人は完全に逆です。魚や脂が付いている肉はだめなので、日本に住んでも和食を避けて、毎日マックで食べるらしいです。そんな彼と外食するのは大変です。それを考えたら、何でも食べられるようになった自分が、ラッキーですね。誰とも食事できるし、どこに行っても平気ですからね。しかも、選択肢があります。
飲み物もそうです。初めてコーヒーを飲んだ時にまずいと思ったのです。ミルクや砂糖を入れていないせいかもしれません。でもあきらめずに、飲み続きました。それは、二年前のことです。２４歳までコーヒーをずっと飲まなかった私は、どうしてこんなまずいものを好きになるまで飲んでいたのでしょうか。飲まないのは私だけじゃ寂しいし、よかったらコーヒーでも飲みに行かないって言えなくて、デートに誘う事がうまくできないっていうような事を思っていました。それで、だんだんどんな種類にもブラック・コーヒーにも慣れただけではなく、好きになりました。
確かに、新しい食べ物と飲み物を試して、味わう事が好きですけど、飲食関係ではない新しい経験も求めて、味わうのが好きだという事に最近気がつきました。今までの人生を振り返れば、それがはっきり分かりました。
高校を卒業した後で、ニューヨークを出て、アメリカ西部のユタ州にある大学に入りました。一年後、学校を二年間休んで、自分の所属していた教会のボランティアになって、カリフォルニアに引っ越して、そこにある中国人の教会に入り、いろんな活動に参加しました。当然中国語も勉強していました。それが終わって、大学に戻って日本語を勉強しはじめたのです。日本語を専攻していて、卒業の一年前に時間があったので演劇の授業を受けることにしました。次の学期にクラスメートの劇に出て、その後、大学の夏芝居にも出演しました。それで、大学卒業して、今年四月に日本に引っ越してきたのです。
このように、新しい経験が次から次にやってきます。これからも、未知の世界によく挑みたいと思います。例えば、皆さんにださいと思われるかもしれませんけれども、コンビニか吉野家のようなバイトもしたいと思います。こういうのを体験すれば、同じような仕事をしている人の事をもっと分かるようになると思います。バイトの事だけではなく、他人の暮らし方、考え方、話し方などを試せば、あの人と関係ができるでしょう。コミュニケーションができるでしょう。
皆さん、いかがですか。未知の世界に行きませんか。向こうにはごちそうが私たちを待っています。さあ、行きましょう。
ありがとうございました。
Sunday, November 6, 2011
just because i eat ramen doesn't mean i can't cook! (sort of...)
now is really not the time to be doing this. i should be writing my speech for a competition i'm in next week. or i should be writing my novel. or i should be taking a nap.
but i'm not one to exercise self-control.
so let's talk about how to take ordinary instant ramen and make it awesome!
1) buy the right ramen. try out different varieties until you find which one you like the best. buying bad noodles just to save 50 cents is silly. but you shouldn't have to pay more than $1.00 for a decent noodle/soup combo.
note: packages with two or more flavor packets are usually a sign of good ramen.
2) buy some extra goodies. this time around i used the following:
豆腐 (tofu). firmness depends on personal preference. just remember that soft/silken tofu won't be easy to pick up with chopsticks.
椎茸 (shiitake). most types of mushrooms will work in ramen. fresh are the tastiest, but frozen or dried will also work.
わかめ (wakame). this a type of seaweed. very healthy, very delicious, and very inexpensive.
キムチ (kimchi). this adds a kick and a contrasting texture. the best stuff is homemade, so i'd recommend making some korean friends.
油揚げ (aburaage). i think the english term for this is "fried tofu skin". it's often used in miso soup. i absolutely love this stuff!
other good fixins: eggs (hard-boiled, soft-boiled, or egg-drop-style), green onions, spinach, strips of meat (chicken, pork, beef), shrimp, soybean sprouts, corn, cabbage, and whatever else tickles your fancy.
note: some of these items can be hard to find outside of japan. your best bet is to find a nearby japanese or korean market.
3) preparation. know what you're doing. some things do well in boiling water for long periods of time, but most things don't. try to time when you add the ingredients, so that everything will taste it's best. DO NOT, DO NOT, DO NOT overcook the noodles! here's, let's look at how i did it:
add a large bowl's worth of water to the pot. throw in the dehydrated goods (wakame and mushrooms) and turn on the heat. cut the aburaage:
throw it into the pot. the water should be close to boiling.
while waiting for a rolling boil, cut the tofu and put in the bowl (the one used for measuring water earlier):
once the water is boiling, throw in the noodles. with a pot full of the goodies, the noodles might not submerge. don't worry—we'll flip 'em. extra points if you can do it with cooking chopsticks. flip those noodles:
different noodles have different cooking times. generally the best taste/texture is achieved by cooking just to the point when the curls have all become nearly straight. if you're unsure, it's better to undershoot the cooking time than overshoot it. the noodles will continue to soften even after removed from the heat.
pour everything over the tofu in the bowl. tofu is safe to eat as is—and it helps cool down the ramen to perfect eating temperature. as does the kimchi. finally, add the soup base and mix well. add extra water from the faucet if too much boiled out. if you've done it all right, the ramen will be delicious and just cool enough to eat really fast without burning yourself. it may look something like this:
ok, so my food has never been much on the presentation front. :-/ but it was super tasty! and really cheap. taking into account the ingredients and amounts, the whole meal cost under ¥225 (about $3.00).
have ramen ideas of your own? i'd love to hear 'em! happy bargain cooking and leave a comment!
but i'm not one to exercise self-control.
so let's talk about how to take ordinary instant ramen and make it awesome!
1) buy the right ramen. try out different varieties until you find which one you like the best. buying bad noodles just to save 50 cents is silly. but you shouldn't have to pay more than $1.00 for a decent noodle/soup combo.
note: packages with two or more flavor packets are usually a sign of good ramen.
2) buy some extra goodies. this time around i used the following:
豆腐 (tofu). firmness depends on personal preference. just remember that soft/silken tofu won't be easy to pick up with chopsticks.
椎茸 (shiitake). most types of mushrooms will work in ramen. fresh are the tastiest, but frozen or dried will also work.
わかめ (wakame). this a type of seaweed. very healthy, very delicious, and very inexpensive.
キムチ (kimchi). this adds a kick and a contrasting texture. the best stuff is homemade, so i'd recommend making some korean friends.
油揚げ (aburaage). i think the english term for this is "fried tofu skin". it's often used in miso soup. i absolutely love this stuff!
other good fixins: eggs (hard-boiled, soft-boiled, or egg-drop-style), green onions, spinach, strips of meat (chicken, pork, beef), shrimp, soybean sprouts, corn, cabbage, and whatever else tickles your fancy.
note: some of these items can be hard to find outside of japan. your best bet is to find a nearby japanese or korean market.
3) preparation. know what you're doing. some things do well in boiling water for long periods of time, but most things don't. try to time when you add the ingredients, so that everything will taste it's best. DO NOT, DO NOT, DO NOT overcook the noodles! here's, let's look at how i did it:
add a large bowl's worth of water to the pot. throw in the dehydrated goods (wakame and mushrooms) and turn on the heat. cut the aburaage:
throw it into the pot. the water should be close to boiling.
while waiting for a rolling boil, cut the tofu and put in the bowl (the one used for measuring water earlier):
once the water is boiling, throw in the noodles. with a pot full of the goodies, the noodles might not submerge. don't worry—we'll flip 'em. extra points if you can do it with cooking chopsticks. flip those noodles:
different noodles have different cooking times. generally the best taste/texture is achieved by cooking just to the point when the curls have all become nearly straight. if you're unsure, it's better to undershoot the cooking time than overshoot it. the noodles will continue to soften even after removed from the heat.
pour everything over the tofu in the bowl. tofu is safe to eat as is—and it helps cool down the ramen to perfect eating temperature. as does the kimchi. finally, add the soup base and mix well. add extra water from the faucet if too much boiled out. if you've done it all right, the ramen will be delicious and just cool enough to eat really fast without burning yourself. it may look something like this:
ok, so my food has never been much on the presentation front. :-/ but it was super tasty! and really cheap. taking into account the ingredients and amounts, the whole meal cost under ¥225 (about $3.00).
have ramen ideas of your own? i'd love to hear 'em! happy bargain cooking and leave a comment!
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
NaNoWriMo! + dancing by the ocean
so NaNoWriMo has officially begun! i'm sitting pretty on day 3 with 251 words. only 49749 words to go!
251 words doesn't really reflect how much time i've spent on this so far. i've put in about 4 hours already. i think my problem is that i'm trying to make it perfect—funny, deep, readable, and one-of-a-kind. that's not really the point. so, i just need to accept it's imperfections and plow through.
i keep getting distracted. i think i need a computer that can only do one thing at a time. to the point of having a web browser with only one tab. i started this post an hour and a half ago. (-_-)
in hopes of actually being productive today (day off! wooooo!), i'm going to end this short post with this:
my friend SweetFeetKoshka busting out an awesome dance cover of SNSD's new single, the boys.
251 words doesn't really reflect how much time i've spent on this so far. i've put in about 4 hours already. i think my problem is that i'm trying to make it perfect—funny, deep, readable, and one-of-a-kind. that's not really the point. so, i just need to accept it's imperfections and plow through.
i keep getting distracted. i think i need a computer that can only do one thing at a time. to the point of having a web browser with only one tab. i started this post an hour and a half ago. (-_-)
in hopes of actually being productive today (day off! wooooo!), i'm going to end this short post with this:
my friend SweetFeetKoshka busting out an awesome dance cover of SNSD's new single, the boys.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
お待たせしました〜
日本語の投稿を再開します〜
読者には、日本語が分かる人はほとんどいないと思いますけど……
今週の土曜に東京で性同一性障害の協会が交流会を開いて、その情報を聞いて、行くことにしました。実は、怖いです。
もちろん、行きたいです。でも、日本に来てからずっと、女装したり、女声を練習したり、一度もしなかったんです。進歩がなくて、むしろ退歩している気がする。
だから、行かなければならないと思います。
ところで、最近「電車男」というドラマを見ています。今終わったところです。話もいいけど、見てから私も「2ch」に悩みを投稿しようかなと考えてきました。
トクに、性同一性障害に関する質問が解答されるはずです。２ちゃんも今週の交流会も、楽しみにしています。
好奇心のせいか、以上の文をgoogleで訳したら……と思って、爆笑しちゃった！
どうぞ、読んでみてください (^o^)
good luck with that one!
読者には、日本語が分かる人はほとんどいないと思いますけど……
今週の土曜に東京で性同一性障害の協会が交流会を開いて、その情報を聞いて、行くことにしました。実は、怖いです。
もちろん、行きたいです。でも、日本に来てからずっと、女装したり、女声を練習したり、一度もしなかったんです。進歩がなくて、むしろ退歩している気がする。
だから、行かなければならないと思います。
ところで、最近「電車男」というドラマを見ています。今終わったところです。話もいいけど、見てから私も「2ch」に悩みを投稿しようかなと考えてきました。
トクに、性同一性障害に関する質問が解答されるはずです。２ちゃんも今週の交流会も、楽しみにしています。
好奇心のせいか、以上の文をgoogleで訳したら……と思って、爆笑しちゃった！
どうぞ、読んでみてください (^o^)
Japanese ~ Post Resumes-from google translate
The reader will understand that I think very few Japanese are ...
Open Exchange Meeting Association of GLBT in Tokyo on Saturday this week, hearing that information, I decided to go. This is in fact scary.
Of course, you go. But ever since coming to Japan, and transvestites, and women exercise, I did not even once. Without progress, and feel that rather backward.
So I must go.
Meanwhile, recent "Train Man" is a look at the drama. I just finished. I can talk better, I look at the "2ch" I think that you try to submit a trouble to.
In particular, questions should be answered by GLBT. Chan AC 2 times this week, we look forward to.
good luck with that one!
Sunday, October 9, 2011
fall cleaning
today is going to be a day of cleaning.
that means, of course, i'll be cleaning my room. but more than that, i'm going to do some cleaning of my whole life.
and i'm going to drink a lot of water.
(just so you don't get the wrong idea: cleaning my life doesn't mean i'll be doing some sort of moral reevaluation. it means getting rid of baggage—cleaning out the problems of my heart. i no have major qualms with my sense of morality.)
and since i'm writing this post at the start of my cleaning, that means i'll be doing some heart cleaning first. feel free to skip this section because chances are you won't understand it.
==heart cleaning==
i can't do it anymore. it's done. i'm not going to keep loving you—and in the process re-break my own heart every week. and that means i'm going to have to keep some distance.
it may seem weird to save a friendship by pulling away, but i don't know what else to do. i have to detach.
i've wondered if i just need to find someone else to be interested in. i don't think my heart works that way though. and i don't feel like i even have the energy to try.
i'm not going to slip. i need to be firm. i'm not going to let myself fall into my old habits of "what if..." and "if only...".
再见.
==house cleaning==
first the clutter. and dishes (only a cup, a plate, and a few knives—not that bad, eh?). and.............done
well that only took a few hours (distractions included). (>_<)
there'll be some re-cleaning to do after dinner, but the main job is done. the last main thing i need to do is sweeping. it's been a while, so i'm expecting a few kilos of dust/debris.
i'll conclude there. "i'm about to eat dinner and sweep my floor" isn't much of a cliff-hanger, so i don't feel in the least bit bad about cutting this one off.
until next time (^-^)\
that means, of course, i'll be cleaning my room. but more than that, i'm going to do some cleaning of my whole life.
and i'm going to drink a lot of water.
(just so you don't get the wrong idea: cleaning my life doesn't mean i'll be doing some sort of moral reevaluation. it means getting rid of baggage—cleaning out the problems of my heart. i no have major qualms with my sense of morality.)
and since i'm writing this post at the start of my cleaning, that means i'll be doing some heart cleaning first. feel free to skip this section because chances are you won't understand it.
==heart cleaning==
i can't do it anymore. it's done. i'm not going to keep loving you—and in the process re-break my own heart every week. and that means i'm going to have to keep some distance.
it may seem weird to save a friendship by pulling away, but i don't know what else to do. i have to detach.
i've wondered if i just need to find someone else to be interested in. i don't think my heart works that way though. and i don't feel like i even have the energy to try.
i'm not going to slip. i need to be firm. i'm not going to let myself fall into my old habits of "what if..." and "if only...".
再见.
==house cleaning==
first the clutter. and dishes (only a cup, a plate, and a few knives—not that bad, eh?). and.............done
well that only took a few hours (distractions included). (>_<)
there'll be some re-cleaning to do after dinner, but the main job is done. the last main thing i need to do is sweeping. it's been a while, so i'm expecting a few kilos of dust/debris.
i'll conclude there. "i'm about to eat dinner and sweep my floor" isn't much of a cliff-hanger, so i don't feel in the least bit bad about cutting this one off.
until next time (^-^)\
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Saturday, September 10, 2011
GO-ゆっくり
ゆっくり ("yukkuri") - my new mantra. it's japanese for "slow", "slowly", or "relaxed". i generally think of it as "take it easy" when used this way:
here's an outline of the day:
• mild sleeping in
• made general plans for the day
• set off at some point
• two-hour lunch (we had myanmar food. sooooo good!)—long for conversation, not over-eating
• stroll around waseda campus and nearby gardens
• 90 minutes of daytime karaoke
• shopping for dinner and ice cream ingredients
• few hours of shiritori (a japanese word game) over dinner
• home made ice cream!
• shower before bed
food is a must for yukkuri-ization. savor it! if you're with company savor the conversation too. good things shouldn't be rushed. strolls are great too. unless you're out for a power-walk, i think most people are very yukkuri with their walks already. enjoy the scenery. drink the air. clear your mind.
don't misunderstand though! yukkuri (according to me, anyway) is not the same as being lazy! if you stay at home all day mindlessly surfing the internet, watching movies, and what-have-you you're not being yukkuri. you're simply not doing anything at all.
yukkuri is doing and enjoying.
yukkuri is letting your day unfold.
yukkuri is living and being there for every moment.
of course, i tend to get a bit silly with it. i'm yukkuri in the bathroom (at least at home i am), and i think my body thanks me for it. i'm yukkuri in going places (as often as i have the luxury to leave early enough). but sometimes that's just my excuse for being slow to get ready, when in reality i'm dawdling.
i don't like rushing and being rushed. yukkuri could be the best thing ever. i just need to learn not to be lazy and procrastinate.
like that'll ever happen. ^0^
a: what'd you do yesterday?about two weeks ago, on my way back from kyoto (details on that) i stopped in tokyo to hang out with a friend for a few days. i was really travel weary and in no mood for shopping, sightseeing, clubbing or any other sort of normal fun city activity. so we just had a yukkuri day.
b: just took it easy. i've been so stressed lately—it was nice to just relax.
here's an outline of the day:
• mild sleeping in
• made general plans for the day
• set off at some point
• two-hour lunch (we had myanmar food. sooooo good!)—long for conversation, not over-eating
• stroll around waseda campus and nearby gardens
• 90 minutes of daytime karaoke
• shopping for dinner and ice cream ingredients
• few hours of shiritori (a japanese word game) over dinner
• home made ice cream!
• shower before bed
food is a must for yukkuri-ization. savor it! if you're with company savor the conversation too. good things shouldn't be rushed. strolls are great too. unless you're out for a power-walk, i think most people are very yukkuri with their walks already. enjoy the scenery. drink the air. clear your mind.
don't misunderstand though! yukkuri (according to me, anyway) is not the same as being lazy! if you stay at home all day mindlessly surfing the internet, watching movies, and what-have-you you're not being yukkuri. you're simply not doing anything at all.
yukkuri is doing and enjoying.
yukkuri is letting your day unfold.
yukkuri is living and being there for every moment.
of course, i tend to get a bit silly with it. i'm yukkuri in the bathroom (at least at home i am), and i think my body thanks me for it. i'm yukkuri in going places (as often as i have the luxury to leave early enough). but sometimes that's just my excuse for being slow to get ready, when in reality i'm dawdling.
i don't like rushing and being rushed. yukkuri could be the best thing ever. i just need to learn not to be lazy and procrastinate.
like that'll ever happen. ^0^
Sunday, September 4, 2011
untitled - but still subtitled!
another ex just got married. booooo!
i think i'd find it more amusing if i weren't in a weird place emotionally right now. amusing? don't i sound smug.
and was that a bit too leading?—weird place emotionally. i'll have to write about it now, won't i?
==PAUSE==
what's too private to blog about? i volunteer a good deal of personal information, though i think i've been pretty careful about mentioning other people's names. i do it on occasion, but only when i think nobody stands to be harmed by being named.
i've been pretty happy with my level of intimacy in blogging, but lately i've been finding it hard to write. i second guess some things as being "not interesting enough to share", some i think "it'd be pretty obvious who i'd be talking about here...and there's a high probability they'd read this", and everything else has just been too hard to put to words.
but today i'm gonna be a bit more forthcoming. and there's no way that this is not a good idea.
(i think the emotions have taken over)
==UNPAUSE==
i've got the blues. and i have some theories as to why:
1) lack of stability in life for the last month
this one's obvious. no work. 9 days in the states. 5 days in kyoto. 2 days in tokyo. staying over at friends' houses. day trips to nearby cities. being absolutely skint for most of the month. (i think i'm turning english @_@)
2) unrequited love
nobody likes a moaner, so i'll be brief with this one. i'm somewhere between like, love, and major crush with a really good friend of mine. being apart and being together both come with their own brand of emotional trauma.
3) poor diet
maybe this should fall under the "lack of stability" category as well. eating binges, fasting, periodic heavy drinking, random intense caffeine episodes, and a lot of fast food. it's been tapering off, but i think i'm still in the wake of it all.
4) lack of therapy
i haven't seen a therapist since april-ish. and i don't decompress as often as i should.
5) growing feeling of letting myself down
in multiple ways—poor time-management, no progress with my acting ambitions, not keeping in decent contact with friends and family, transition slow-down, not getting any better at japanese...
so which one is it?
silly question. it's all of them together, of course.
and i just got a kick-in-the-groin email that actually had me entertain the idea of cutting off ties with the sender. i doubt i actually will. no, in fact i won't. it's a little embarrassing to admit this, but part of the reason i don't want to get nasty in my response is because i think he'd get self-satisfied if i did. so i'm going to be civil out of spite. somewhat. :-/
my plan for getting out of this ditch (i'm making this up as i go):
• go to bed tonight within 2 hours (so i have until 1:01 am)
• take a shower before that
• have good tunes at the ready
• resume my tofu breakfasts
• start studying/reviewing japanese junior high level kanji
• do some more 101 shit (like the facebook fast?)
• go to the laser clinic
yeah, i gotta pee. so that's all the list we're gonna have.
was i even that brutally honest? just seems like a normal post, looking back at it. oh well :(
i think i'd find it more amusing if i weren't in a weird place emotionally right now. amusing? don't i sound smug.
and was that a bit too leading?—weird place emotionally. i'll have to write about it now, won't i?
==PAUSE==
what's too private to blog about? i volunteer a good deal of personal information, though i think i've been pretty careful about mentioning other people's names. i do it on occasion, but only when i think nobody stands to be harmed by being named.
i've been pretty happy with my level of intimacy in blogging, but lately i've been finding it hard to write. i second guess some things as being "not interesting enough to share", some i think "it'd be pretty obvious who i'd be talking about here...and there's a high probability they'd read this", and everything else has just been too hard to put to words.
but today i'm gonna be a bit more forthcoming. and there's no way that this is not a good idea.
(i think the emotions have taken over)
==UNPAUSE==
i've got the blues. and i have some theories as to why:
1) lack of stability in life for the last month
this one's obvious. no work. 9 days in the states. 5 days in kyoto. 2 days in tokyo. staying over at friends' houses. day trips to nearby cities. being absolutely skint for most of the month. (i think i'm turning english @_@)
2) unrequited love
nobody likes a moaner, so i'll be brief with this one. i'm somewhere between like, love, and major crush with a really good friend of mine. being apart and being together both come with their own brand of emotional trauma.
3) poor diet
maybe this should fall under the "lack of stability" category as well. eating binges, fasting, periodic heavy drinking, random intense caffeine episodes, and a lot of fast food. it's been tapering off, but i think i'm still in the wake of it all.
4) lack of therapy
i haven't seen a therapist since april-ish. and i don't decompress as often as i should.
5) growing feeling of letting myself down
in multiple ways—poor time-management, no progress with my acting ambitions, not keeping in decent contact with friends and family, transition slow-down, not getting any better at japanese...
so which one is it?
silly question. it's all of them together, of course.
and i just got a kick-in-the-groin email that actually had me entertain the idea of cutting off ties with the sender. i doubt i actually will. no, in fact i won't. it's a little embarrassing to admit this, but part of the reason i don't want to get nasty in my response is because i think he'd get self-satisfied if i did. so i'm going to be civil out of spite. somewhat. :-/
my plan for getting out of this ditch (i'm making this up as i go):
• go to bed tonight within 2 hours (so i have until 1:01 am)
• take a shower before that
• have good tunes at the ready
• resume my tofu breakfasts
• start studying/reviewing japanese junior high level kanji
• do some more 101 shit (like the facebook fast?)
• go to the laser clinic
yeah, i gotta pee. so that's all the list we're gonna have.
was i even that brutally honest? just seems like a normal post, looking back at it. oh well :(
Sunday, August 28, 2011
an 11-part montage of sami's last five weeks
maybe you've noticed.
maybe you haven't.
i'm a bit behind on my blogging.
but all your patience pays off right now because i have LOTS i want to write about, and OODLES of pictures to show.
so without further ado, i give you...
part 1: size
34-30-39.
i don't know what i was before starting hormones, but if i were to guess, i'd say 32-30-36.
according to wikipedia, the ideal healthy waist to hip ratio for women is 0.7, and for men is 0.9. i'm at 0.77. i can't help but feel a little shapely.
::blush::
part 2: my last attempt at a blog entry
"i'm about to finish an 800g block of gouda. i'm down to the last three slices. ugh, i'm gonna vomit."
to learn more, please check my latest vlog (youtube link on the left, yo)!
part 3: cheese follow-up
while i was back in the states earlier this month, i attempted to eat a 1lb block of kraft sharp cheddar. i finished about 80% of it and had to bail because i needed to get in a kayak and paddle with vigor. if i had continued eating the cheese, i still wouldn't have counted it because it just wouldn't seem like "one sitting".
so yeah. cheese fail #2.
part 4: the mountain behind my house
there's a "mountain" behind my house (yet in front of my front door?)!
so i like to climb it.
from my front door to the gazebo at the top takes about 1 hour at a relaxed, but steady pace.
the really cool thing? five minutes out my front door and i'm in the middle of the woods.
and these woods are pretty cool. made only cooler by weird concrete designs:
and cool highway underpasses:
the main trail from my area splits into multiple trails in the middle of the woods. both trails are super cool (and get super steep near the end). why are they super cool? because you burst out of the woods only to find yourself at the top of one of two hills—both with amazing views. it's really cool to have the sky open like that after a healthy jaunt under a dense canopy.
the gazebo is a great place to just sit and gaze out at the entire city and the ocean. here, take a look (8 shots facing 8 directions, paired in twos for better viewing pleasure):
NE / E:
SE / S:
SW / W:
NW / N:
i love how green japan is!
part 5: kyoto?
yes. i meant for that question mark to be there. why?
exhibit a:
ok, i was actually sober and awake for most of the trip. i did some really fun things including:
• 伏見稲荷大社 "fushimi inari taisha"—a huge shrine with a shit-ton of red gates (2 pictures below)
• walking around 三条 "sanjo"—a covered shopping street
• cycling from kyoto station to 鞍馬 "kurama" to go to an onsen (hot spring)—16 km
• walking around the imperial palace grounds
• general cycling around town
• cosplay karaoke!!! (picture below)
photo evidence of holiday sobriety:
in one of these three pictures i wasn't sober.
any guesses?
(^o^)
part 6: 101 in 1001
right. so i already mentioned the cheese fail.
but the successes?
• i watched the social network, up, little miss sunshine, and crash. movie progess 5/56
• i rode my bike drunk
• i read 星の王子様 ("le petit prince" in japanese). japanese novels 1/5
• i went to 2 new bars (tanya and rising sun—both in hitachi). new bars 2/20
• i sang two david bowie songs at karaoke ("space oddity" and "star man").
• i swallowed a piece of gum as i hiked the mountain behind my house (it's called 助川山 "sukegawa-yama" by the way).
and here are the almosts:
• i may or may not have won a staring contest. i can't rightly remember.
• i made avocado ice cream. oh how easily i could have turned that into a milkshake! if only i had been thinking. it was very delicious and creamy, btw.
part 7: ultimate
i played ultimate frisbee today.
part 8: exploring hitachi
one day i set out on my bike to explore this city i live in. i got sunburned. what a fool.
here are some pics:
look underneath the crane. what do you see? the gazebo on top of my "mountain"!
this pier is visible in the east-view shot from the gazebo.
the coast!
now admittedly, i had been to this pier/beach before. i cut through a lot of unknown neighborhoods on my way though. ready for more? it doesn't matter!
i'm a big fan of undisturbed nature. but this is kinda cool. and this is not the same beach, just so you know.
this is a cliff.
i am now on top of the cliff but a little further south.
unfortunately, the city is too big to adequately explore in one day. i think i'll explore a bit more when it gets cooler.
p.s. the second beach area (the last three pictures) are on the coast just north of hitachi station. google map it!
part 9: rethinking some parts of 101 in 1001
the blog weekly / vlog monthly goals are now impossible having missed over a month of both. so instead, i'll keep the overall goal number the same and have the weekly/monthly thing be a suggestion since it would help keep me on track.
part 10: painful choices
they suck. we don't really choose who we fall for, do we? but what if you fall for a friend? would you risk that friendship to see if it could become something more?
it's nice to be in love for a change (i thought i was becoming an asexual robot!). it is what it is, and willing myself out of it was both incredibly painful and ultimately unsuccessful. fingers crossed that i can enjoy emotional stability while in the throes of a love i may never confess. haha, really?
baka.
part 11: reflection
has this truly been the longest fucking blog post ever?
that i've written? yes.
that i've read? yes.
so in my reality (which you've willingly immersed yourself in) the answer is yes. this is the longest fucking blog post ever. thanks for reading!
Saturday, July 16, 2011
summer of sami
summer vacation is almost here!
here are the plans so far:
this coming week:
beach beer party (the last day of school)
izakaya and karaoke (the following night)
other upcoming plans:
mcfly concert in tokyo (next week)
family reunion in northern california (early august)
kyoto trip (in the sweltering august heat)
i've made some decent progress with my 101. here are the details since the last update:
3- blog weekly (4/144)
4- vlog monthly (1/34)
40- drink beer in a bowling alley (done)
41- watch "buffy the vampire slayer" in its entirety (seasons 1/7)
55- buy an area rug (done)
my area rug is totally awesome. i luvs it. ^o^
pics next time, perhaps?
Friday, July 8, 2011
"give me a second to write the damn title!"
i've always been weird.
throughout middle school and high school i wore shorts everyday to school. even in the coldest winter's chill. that sort of thing doesn't exactly go unnoticed, so to a lot of people i was "that shorts kid".
to this day i don't know why i did it. i had all sorts of reasons i'd give people at the time. "shorts are more comfortable," or "i don't really get cold," were the most common, perhaps. and there was some truth to both of those things, but that doesn't explain why i'd wear shorts in 0ºF weather—because i remember being very cold on those days.
over the last few years (5 or so?) i've been slowly letting go of my need to know why for a lot of things. "why am i transgender?" was the first big why-question i let go. thinking back on the shorts, though, knowing why wouldn't change much for me. i'm a very different person now than i was at age 12 (or 18). sure, there are probably things i could learn about myself if i could go back in time and psychoanalyze the younger me. but in trying to reflect on the whys of yore, i'd essentially be grasping at a shadow—and most of what i'd find would be invented by my brain as it unconsciously fills in the memory gaps.
+ + my friends keep telling me i think too much. well, the exact quote is "you overanalyze things too much." maybe there's some truth to that ^o^ + +
i'm not going to obsess over "why the shorts?" but the whole reason i started typing this was because just a moment ago i remembered how i did it.
i read lois lowry's the giver at some point toward the end of elementary school. and from then on whenever i got cold, i'd copy what jonas did to keep the baby warm. he transferred/shared memories of sunshine, warm places, etc. and those thoughts kept them both alive in their trek at the end of the book. it worked for me too. i would think of the beach—the hot sand, the warm breeze, the south carolina sun. i'd stop shivering and the goose bumps would go away.
it's so hot and humid at the moment, that i was thinking i ought to try using the reverse technique to help myself cool down. then my thoughts unfolded more or less as follows: "the giver...the giver...shorts! i used the giver to stay warm! what a weird memory. blog time!"
throughout middle school and high school i wore shorts everyday to school. even in the coldest winter's chill. that sort of thing doesn't exactly go unnoticed, so to a lot of people i was "that shorts kid".
to this day i don't know why i did it. i had all sorts of reasons i'd give people at the time. "shorts are more comfortable," or "i don't really get cold," were the most common, perhaps. and there was some truth to both of those things, but that doesn't explain why i'd wear shorts in 0ºF weather—because i remember being very cold on those days.
over the last few years (5 or so?) i've been slowly letting go of my need to know why for a lot of things. "why am i transgender?" was the first big why-question i let go. thinking back on the shorts, though, knowing why wouldn't change much for me. i'm a very different person now than i was at age 12 (or 18). sure, there are probably things i could learn about myself if i could go back in time and psychoanalyze the younger me. but in trying to reflect on the whys of yore, i'd essentially be grasping at a shadow—and most of what i'd find would be invented by my brain as it unconsciously fills in the memory gaps.
+ + my friends keep telling me i think too much. well, the exact quote is "you overanalyze things too much." maybe there's some truth to that ^o^ + +
i'm not going to obsess over "why the shorts?" but the whole reason i started typing this was because just a moment ago i remembered how i did it.
i read lois lowry's the giver at some point toward the end of elementary school. and from then on whenever i got cold, i'd copy what jonas did to keep the baby warm. he transferred/shared memories of sunshine, warm places, etc. and those thoughts kept them both alive in their trek at the end of the book. it worked for me too. i would think of the beach—the hot sand, the warm breeze, the south carolina sun. i'd stop shivering and the goose bumps would go away.
it's so hot and humid at the moment, that i was thinking i ought to try using the reverse technique to help myself cool down. then my thoughts unfolded more or less as follows: "the giver...the giver...shorts! i used the giver to stay warm! what a weird memory. blog time!"
Saturday, June 25, 2011
follow-up
a breakdown of some of the 101:
13- the list of ten drinks:
• bloody mary
• cosmopolitan
• eggnog
• long island iced tea
• manhattan
• margarita
• martini
• old fashioned
• piña colada
• tequila sunrise
78- the best picture winners/nominees from the last 15 years that i haven't seen:
• 8 from 2010 - the king's speech, black swan, the fighter, the kids are all right, the social network, toy story 3, true grit, winter's bone
• 6 from 2009 - the blind side, district 9, an education, precious, up, up in the air
• 4 from 2008 - the curious case of benjamin button, frost/nixon, milk, the reader
• 2 from 2007 - atonement, michael clayton
• 4 from 2006 - babel, letters from iwo jima, little miss sunshine, the queen
• 5 from 2005 - crash, brokeback mountain, capote, good night and good luck, munich
• 5 from 2004 - million dollar baby, the aviator, finding neverland, ray, sideways
• 3 from 2003 - master and commander, mystic river, seabiscuit
• 4 from 2002 - chicago, gangs of new york, the hours, the pianist
• 3 from 2001 - gosford park, in the bedroom, moulin rouge
• 2 from 2000 - erin brockovich, traffic
• 3 from 1999 - the cider house rules, the green mile, the insider
• 2 from 1998 - elizabeth, saving private ryan
• 2 from 1997 - the full monty, good will hunting
• 3 from 1996 - the english patient, secrets & lies, shine
and an update:
• i watched true grit yesterday. movie progress: 1/56
• i'm trying to put 1000 yen into savings everyday, but i just ran out of money so i'm using 1 yen coins as place holders until i can go to the bank. current total: ¥2001
• i blogged last week and with this post am blogging this week as well. weekly blogging: 2/144
13- the list of ten drinks:
• bloody mary
• cosmopolitan
• eggnog
• long island iced tea
• manhattan
• margarita
• martini
• old fashioned
• piña colada
• tequila sunrise
78- the best picture winners/nominees from the last 15 years that i haven't seen:
• 8 from 2010 - the king's speech, black swan, the fighter, the kids are all right, the social network, toy story 3, true grit, winter's bone
• 6 from 2009 - the blind side, district 9, an education, precious, up, up in the air
• 4 from 2008 - the curious case of benjamin button, frost/nixon, milk, the reader
• 2 from 2007 - atonement, michael clayton
• 4 from 2006 - babel, letters from iwo jima, little miss sunshine, the queen
• 5 from 2005 - crash, brokeback mountain, capote, good night and good luck, munich
• 5 from 2004 - million dollar baby, the aviator, finding neverland, ray, sideways
• 3 from 2003 - master and commander, mystic river, seabiscuit
• 4 from 2002 - chicago, gangs of new york, the hours, the pianist
• 3 from 2001 - gosford park, in the bedroom, moulin rouge
• 2 from 2000 - erin brockovich, traffic
• 3 from 1999 - the cider house rules, the green mile, the insider
• 2 from 1998 - elizabeth, saving private ryan
• 2 from 1997 - the full monty, good will hunting
• 3 from 1996 - the english patient, secrets & lies, shine
and an update:
• i watched true grit yesterday. movie progress: 1/56
• i'm trying to put 1000 yen into savings everyday, but i just ran out of money so i'm using 1 yen coins as place holders until i can go to the bank. current total: ¥2001
• i blogged last week and with this post am blogging this week as well. weekly blogging: 2/144
Thursday, June 23, 2011
my 101 in 1001
thanks to my friend sara, i've been inspired to create a list of 101 things i want to accomplish in the next 1001 days. i'm officially starting today (june 24, 2011), which means i will finish by march 20, 2014 at 11:59:59 pm.
be forewarned, a number of the items on my list might be considered tmi ("too much information" for the layperson). here we go:
1- visit china
2- be vegetarian for 30 days (again)
3- blog weekly (0/144)
4- vlog monthly (0/34)
5- learn to play 10 new songs on the bass (0/10)
6- do the splits (front-ways)
7- do a street performance (dance or music)
8- read 50 books (0/50)
9- get rid of all my facial hair
10- translate and subtitle a japanese drama series
11- write and direct a movie
12- host a dinner party at my house (3+ guests)
13- learn how to make 10 classic drinks (0/10)
14- read 5 japanese novels (0/5)
15- record an album
16- visit australia
17- go inside a pachinko parlor
18- write a letter by hand
19- wax my legs
20- bike to mito
21- learn 5 new recipes for every meal (0/15)
22- read the qur'an
23- appear on japanese tv
24- amass a savings of 1,000,000 yen (approx. $12,000)
25- take a yoga class
26- start/join a band
27- be "out" at work
28- bring a sketchbook to the zoo and draw animals
29- memorize the lyrics to 20 japanese songs (0/20)
30- engage in a gyoza-eating competition
31- pass jlpt level 1
32- legally change my name
33- take one picture a day for 30 days in a row
34- make an animated short
35- learn 15 pop dance routines (0/15)
36- find and meet with a therapist
37- visit shikoku
38- visit okinawa
39- make my own kimchi
40- drink beer in a bowling alley
41- watch "buffy the vampire slayer" in its entirety
42- NaNoWriMo
43- learn the prefectures and capitals of japan
44- do an all-day photo shoot
45- take in a bath in something aside from water
46- develop my own series of english, japanese, and chinese lessons
47- make a friend online and meet them in real life
48- literally meet someone for a cup of coffee
49- convince a friend to visit me in japan
50- buy an apron
51- have a sleepover at my house (2+ guests)
52- go to and use the public library
53- go to 20 new bars (0/20)
54- memorize 10 monologues in english and japanese (0/20)
55- buy an area rug
56- memorize the names and numbers of the first 151 pokemon in japanese
57- make a snow angel
58- survive a summer without turning on my ac
59- write a comedy routine
60- wear sunglasses at night
61- experience love
62- do a scavenger hunt
63- learn to play the ocarina
64- draw/write a graphic novel
65- buy something just to smash it
66- eat an entire meal upside down
67- draw my self portrait with crayons
68- sleep in the storage closet under my bed
69- decide what kanji i would use to represent my name
70- organize an enkai
71- get a part time job completely unrelated to teaching
72- dress as dr. girlfriend for halloween or some other costumed occasion
73- make an avocado milkshake
74- find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie-pop
75- get rid of the boys (like you cared to know?)
76- eat a block of cheese in one sitting
77- play hide and seek with people my age
78- watch the best picture winners/nominees from 1996-2010 (0/56)
79- sing a david bowie song at karaoke
80- be homeless for a week
81- go 30 days without facebook
82- go 12 days without the internet
83- design the floor plan of my dream house
84- swallow a piece of gum
85- develop the habit of brushing and flossing daily
86- write a ransom note using letters/words cut out from magazines
87- roll down a grassy hill
88- be someone's slave for a day
89- write 70 poems (0/70)
90- fly a kite
91- win a staring contest
92- visit south korea
93- learn how to sew
94- pick up a chicken
95- make a savory vegetarian sandwich with at least 5 ingredients
96- give a high five to each of the following: a policeman, a cook, and a store clerk
97- eat fresh wasabi root
98- ride my bike while completely drunk
99- swim a mile
100- volunteer
101- lose my virginity to someone i care about
be forewarned, a number of the items on my list might be considered tmi ("too much information" for the layperson). here we go:
1- visit china
2- be vegetarian for 30 days (again)
3- blog weekly (0/144)
4- vlog monthly (0/34)
5- learn to play 10 new songs on the bass (0/10)
6- do the splits (front-ways)
7- do a street performance (dance or music)
8- read 50 books (0/50)
9- get rid of all my facial hair
10- translate and subtitle a japanese drama series
11- write and direct a movie
12- host a dinner party at my house (3+ guests)
13- learn how to make 10 classic drinks (0/10)
14- read 5 japanese novels (0/5)
15- record an album
16- visit australia
17- go inside a pachinko parlor
18- write a letter by hand
19- wax my legs
20- bike to mito
21- learn 5 new recipes for every meal (0/15)
22- read the qur'an
23- appear on japanese tv
24- amass a savings of 1,000,000 yen (approx. $12,000)
25- take a yoga class
26- start/join a band
27- be "out" at work
28- bring a sketchbook to the zoo and draw animals
29- memorize the lyrics to 20 japanese songs (0/20)
30- engage in a gyoza-eating competition
31- pass jlpt level 1
32- legally change my name
33- take one picture a day for 30 days in a row
34- make an animated short
35- learn 15 pop dance routines (0/15)
36- find and meet with a therapist
37- visit shikoku
38- visit okinawa
39- make my own kimchi
40- drink beer in a bowling alley
41- watch "buffy the vampire slayer" in its entirety
42- NaNoWriMo
43- learn the prefectures and capitals of japan
44- do an all-day photo shoot
45- take in a bath in something aside from water
46- develop my own series of english, japanese, and chinese lessons
47- make a friend online and meet them in real life
48- literally meet someone for a cup of coffee
49- convince a friend to visit me in japan
50- buy an apron
51- have a sleepover at my house (2+ guests)
52- go to and use the public library
53- go to 20 new bars (0/20)
54- memorize 10 monologues in english and japanese (0/20)
55- buy an area rug
56- memorize the names and numbers of the first 151 pokemon in japanese
57- make a snow angel
58- survive a summer without turning on my ac
59- write a comedy routine
60- wear sunglasses at night
61- experience love
62- do a scavenger hunt
63- learn to play the ocarina
64- draw/write a graphic novel
65- buy something just to smash it
66- eat an entire meal upside down
67- draw my self portrait with crayons
68- sleep in the storage closet under my bed
69- decide what kanji i would use to represent my name
70- organize an enkai
71- get a part time job completely unrelated to teaching
72- dress as dr. girlfriend for halloween or some other costumed occasion
73- make an avocado milkshake
74- find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie-pop
75- get rid of the boys (like you cared to know?)
76- eat a block of cheese in one sitting
77- play hide and seek with people my age
78- watch the best picture winners/nominees from 1996-2010 (0/56)
79- sing a david bowie song at karaoke
80- be homeless for a week
81- go 30 days without facebook
82- go 12 days without the internet
83- design the floor plan of my dream house
84- swallow a piece of gum
85- develop the habit of brushing and flossing daily
86- write a ransom note using letters/words cut out from magazines
87- roll down a grassy hill
88- be someone's slave for a day
89- write 70 poems (0/70)
90- fly a kite
91- win a staring contest
92- visit south korea
93- learn how to sew
94- pick up a chicken
95- make a savory vegetarian sandwich with at least 5 ingredients
96- give a high five to each of the following: a policeman, a cook, and a store clerk
97- eat fresh wasabi root
98- ride my bike while completely drunk
99- swim a mile
100- volunteer
101- lose my virginity to someone i care about
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
gyaku-nanpa!
first, some business.
• i found a soda that i immensely enjoy: pepsi dry. it has about 1/5 the sugar of regular pepsi and no artificial sweeteners—making for a crisp, subtle cola.
• i went to a club a few cities south of here, discovering i don't need to go all the way to tokyo to boogie.
• i just finished watching the drama 「ママは昔パパだった」 ("Mom Used to Be Dad"). once the torrents finish (i had to watch most of it on tudou) i'll add english subtitles and distribute to those interested.
the way i've set this up, the above was business, which would make the following pleasure? personal? i'll go with personal because it reminds me of the godfather.
this is more or less a public record, so i feel a little weird about saying this here, but i don't like someone. and i'm pretty sure the feeling isn't at all mutual. we have similar interests, hobbies, and what-have-you. we also are in similar living situations. i just can't like someone with such a icky heart.
to be a little less vague—this is someone who sees women as objects for the taking (and as "things" that he is entitled to), and other men (even friends) as potential obstacles. maybe i've been sheltered, and this is actually more common than i thought.
so why am i getting all riled up about some chauvinistic acquaintance? i suppose because it's personal (i knew the godfather choice would make sense!). both the girl in question and her actual love interest are friends of mine. i think it'd bother me regardless—this just makes it more unsettling.
new topic. something less upsetting.
i got proposed to on monday. by this girl:
whenever i see her, she's usually staring at me, drooling, and mumbling to herself things like 「超かっこいい」. then out of nowhere she asked me to marry her. i said "yes" of course, but i did tell her it might be logistically difficult, my being twice her age and her teacher.
• i just finished watching the drama 「ママは昔パパだった」 ("Mom Used to Be Dad"). once the torrents finish (i had to watch most of it on tudou) i'll add english subtitles and distribute to those interested.
the way i've set this up, the above was business, which would make the following pleasure? personal? i'll go with personal because it reminds me of the godfather.
this is more or less a public record, so i feel a little weird about saying this here, but i don't like someone. and i'm pretty sure the feeling isn't at all mutual. we have similar interests, hobbies, and what-have-you. we also are in similar living situations. i just can't like someone with such a icky heart.
to be a little less vague—this is someone who sees women as objects for the taking (and as "things" that he is entitled to), and other men (even friends) as potential obstacles. maybe i've been sheltered, and this is actually more common than i thought.
so why am i getting all riled up about some chauvinistic acquaintance? i suppose because it's personal (i knew the godfather choice would make sense!). both the girl in question and her actual love interest are friends of mine. i think it'd bother me regardless—this just makes it more unsettling.
new topic. something less upsetting.
i got proposed to on monday. by this girl:
whenever i see her, she's usually staring at me, drooling, and mumbling to herself things like 「超かっこいい」. then out of nowhere she asked me to marry her. i said "yes" of course, but i did tell her it might be logistically difficult, my being twice her age and her teacher.
Friday, May 27, 2011
and you thought my blog was slowly dying!
random bullet-point-post!
• teaching english is fun, but teaching japanese is more fun!
• i was recently informed that the correct way to pronounce david bowie's last name is BOW-ee (as in "people bow in japan" not "bow and arrow"). i trust the informers because they're british.
• new 5 minute long vlog tour of my apartment in japan. youtube link on the left.
• showing up to an enkai (japanese dinner/drinking party) uninvited is awkward.
• i've only been here a month, but utah feels like it was ages ago.
• being a foreigner in japan is in many ways similar to being a non-mormon in utah. maybe i just don't like to fit in?
• maintaining two identities is annoying. i'm wondering if i can get away with having everyone call me sami, even at work...
• a proper meal!
• i want to learn how to shop for groceries correctly. i tend to buy whatever, and if it's fresh it goes bad before i can remember to eat it (tofu excluded).
• roundtrip flights to most places in the u.s. are around $3000 this summer. i don't think i'll be making it back for a visit anytime soon.
• i had this wonderful unwritten list of things i wanted to start doing everyday, but then i never got in the habit of doing any of them. they are: stretching to improve flexibility, studying japanese, practicing good hygiene, working on a more female voice, and reading for pleasure.
• the flaming lips.
• i'm trying to learn how to think in metric. the only one i've managed so far is kilometers (1k = a 10 minute walk).
• that might have been a lie. i think i've got a system for celsius too (below 5 = cold, 5-15 = chilly, 15-25 = warm, above 25 = hot).
• tranny party in tokyo next week! i'm so there!
• i've officially started up beer club here. thus far i've been the only one in attendance, but i have faith that i'll find some lovers of good beer soon.
• the espresso stout:
• teaching english is fun, but teaching japanese is more fun!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
in the bierit of things
about 2 weeks ago something weird happened. i was concerned that i might get fired and/or deported. but that wasn't the weird thing.
i sat alone in a hotel room in an unfamiliar city. i had no internet and no (usable) phone. and in my aloneness (and perhaps loneliness as well) as i was contemplating worst case scenarios, this weird thing happened.
"SAY IT ALREADY!"
hold your horses. this weird thing, well, i feel like it gives a good insight into my spirituality—or my sense of connection with things. so i'd like to, if i may, back up just a little bit to take a look at how my ideas and beliefs came to be where they are today.
but before i even digress, i'd like to bid a simple farewell to my phone of 4 years.
lychee, you will be missed.
speaking of phone names (most of my devices have fruit names), i still need to name my new AWESOME phone:
lucy! ok, now that we've settled that, maybe we can get back to my original tangent.
truthfully, my spiritual life began well before i left mormonism, but i had a pretty narrow view of things, which didn't make for very rapid growth. so for convenience's sake—and to not make this another "why i'm not mormon anymore" post—let's start with late fall of 2009.
i was a bit aimless at the time (being between belief systems—you know how it is), but i learned a great lesson: beer.
yes, beer. i learned that i didn't have to judge people anymore. i didn't have to put myself on some moral high ground. what do breaking the ice, reconciling differences, and making memories have in common? they all start with beer.
"come on in! grab yourself a beer from the fridge."
i know to some i'll sound like an alcoholic. so for those of you who don't get what i'm talking about, let me put it in other terms.
i'm just going to assume you like ice cream (everyone does, right?). let's say your parents raised you on a no-refined-sugar diet. you hear all the other kids talking about ice cream. you probably even see them eating it. it looks like they're having fun. but as you remember your parents warning ("if you eat ice cream you will get fat, you will get diabetes, and YOU WILL DIE!") you reassure yourself that you're better off. and besides the health risks, ice cream is just plain immoral. it leads people to do bad things—there's a definite correlation between ice cream consumption and crime rates.
and armed with your science and your sense of morality you turn your nose up at the other kids. perhaps you don't want to feel isolated so you tone it down in front of them. "oh yeah, well i don't do ice cream, but if you guys want to do it that's cool, i guess." or maybe you lay it on a bit thicker, "oh yeah, it looks good and all. i just don't want to become a fat-ass."
and then some friend of yours has a whole gallon of chocolate, and starts puking all over the place. you even hold their hair for them while that melted pancreatic blast comes shooting out of their mouth.
"i've made the right decision. i'm not like one of them," you say. and i suppose you aren't. you inevitably split ways after high school, because they're going on to experience life, and you're going elsewhere to celebrate the fact that you don't have one. because really, is a life without ice cream even a life at all?
but as you age you slowly begin to question those immutable facts you held dear for so many years. and then when you're at your weakest, an old friend offers you a scoop of moose tracks.
nothing could have prepared you for this. it's so fucking good you can't handle it. you swear off the strong stuff and dabble around in vanilla for a little while. and you start to go out again and meet people. you go to baskin robbins and ben & jerry's. you start to see people as your equals—not as malcreants. and life is sweet.
so it is with beer. sure you could overdo it or be irresponsible. but you can also do that with prescription drugs, ice cream, shopping, and the beatles.
and when (or if?) you develop your own palate for beer, you may get excited over something like this:
i finally found decent beer in japan! i have a pale ale, an amber, and an espresso stout in my fridge that i'm dying to try (though i'm not thrilled with the price: ~$5/bottle).
back to spirituality. beer helped me begin to see all people as my equals, and not as poor lost souls that i needed to help. and that's not because i became a scum-of-the-earth drunkard. rather, it's because i tore down the wall of moral superiority. and it felt (and feels) great.
and this post is already so long that i might as well get back to the weird thing without going through the rest of my spiritual journey.
i let japan go.
yes, you heard me right. i came to peace with the fact that i don't have total control over my future. and whether or not japan's in my future, i'm ready for it.
i suppose it took the threat of losing my visa and getting kicked out of the country to finally have a healthy outlook on career and life goals. but i'm ok with that.
oh, and i'm not getting fired or deported or anything like that. yet. or that i'm aware of.
i mean, there's no need for alarm. i'm in a stable work and living situation, and there's no reason to assume or predict that anything like that would happen now.
so let's just let it go, ok?
i sat alone in a hotel room in an unfamiliar city. i had no internet and no (usable) phone. and in my aloneness (and perhaps loneliness as well) as i was contemplating worst case scenarios, this weird thing happened.
"SAY IT ALREADY!"
hold your horses. this weird thing, well, i feel like it gives a good insight into my spirituality—or my sense of connection with things. so i'd like to, if i may, back up just a little bit to take a look at how my ideas and beliefs came to be where they are today.
but before i even digress, i'd like to bid a simple farewell to my phone of 4 years.
lychee, you will be missed.
speaking of phone names (most of my devices have fruit names), i still need to name my new AWESOME phone:
lucy! ok, now that we've settled that, maybe we can get back to my original tangent.
truthfully, my spiritual life began well before i left mormonism, but i had a pretty narrow view of things, which didn't make for very rapid growth. so for convenience's sake—and to not make this another "why i'm not mormon anymore" post—let's start with late fall of 2009.
i was a bit aimless at the time (being between belief systems—you know how it is), but i learned a great lesson: beer.
yes, beer. i learned that i didn't have to judge people anymore. i didn't have to put myself on some moral high ground. what do breaking the ice, reconciling differences, and making memories have in common? they all start with beer.
"come on in! grab yourself a beer from the fridge."
i know to some i'll sound like an alcoholic. so for those of you who don't get what i'm talking about, let me put it in other terms.
i'm just going to assume you like ice cream (everyone does, right?). let's say your parents raised you on a no-refined-sugar diet. you hear all the other kids talking about ice cream. you probably even see them eating it. it looks like they're having fun. but as you remember your parents warning ("if you eat ice cream you will get fat, you will get diabetes, and YOU WILL DIE!") you reassure yourself that you're better off. and besides the health risks, ice cream is just plain immoral. it leads people to do bad things—there's a definite correlation between ice cream consumption and crime rates.
and armed with your science and your sense of morality you turn your nose up at the other kids. perhaps you don't want to feel isolated so you tone it down in front of them. "oh yeah, well i don't do ice cream, but if you guys want to do it that's cool, i guess." or maybe you lay it on a bit thicker, "oh yeah, it looks good and all. i just don't want to become a fat-ass."
and then some friend of yours has a whole gallon of chocolate, and starts puking all over the place. you even hold their hair for them while that melted pancreatic blast comes shooting out of their mouth.
"i've made the right decision. i'm not like one of them," you say. and i suppose you aren't. you inevitably split ways after high school, because they're going on to experience life, and you're going elsewhere to celebrate the fact that you don't have one. because really, is a life without ice cream even a life at all?
but as you age you slowly begin to question those immutable facts you held dear for so many years. and then when you're at your weakest, an old friend offers you a scoop of moose tracks.
nothing could have prepared you for this. it's so fucking good you can't handle it. you swear off the strong stuff and dabble around in vanilla for a little while. and you start to go out again and meet people. you go to baskin robbins and ben & jerry's. you start to see people as your equals—not as malcreants. and life is sweet.
so it is with beer. sure you could overdo it or be irresponsible. but you can also do that with prescription drugs, ice cream, shopping, and the beatles.
and when (or if?) you develop your own palate for beer, you may get excited over something like this:
i finally found decent beer in japan! i have a pale ale, an amber, and an espresso stout in my fridge that i'm dying to try (though i'm not thrilled with the price: ~$5/bottle).
back to spirituality. beer helped me begin to see all people as my equals, and not as poor lost souls that i needed to help. and that's not because i became a scum-of-the-earth drunkard. rather, it's because i tore down the wall of moral superiority. and it felt (and feels) great.
and this post is already so long that i might as well get back to the weird thing without going through the rest of my spiritual journey.
i let japan go.
yes, you heard me right. i came to peace with the fact that i don't have total control over my future. and whether or not japan's in my future, i'm ready for it.
i suppose it took the threat of losing my visa and getting kicked out of the country to finally have a healthy outlook on career and life goals. but i'm ok with that.
oh, and i'm not getting fired or deported or anything like that. yet. or that i'm aware of.
i mean, there's no need for alarm. i'm in a stable work and living situation, and there's no reason to assume or predict that anything like that would happen now.
so let's just let it go, ok?
Monday, April 4, 2011
visual aid
it's not all unicorns and rainbows.
here is a chart to illustrate the above point:
though rainbows and unicorns win a clear majority, my life is at least 19% anger and sadness, and the remaining 9% is kafkaesque.
but lately, with the impending move it's felt more like 33-33-33. i'm saying goodbye to family, friends, stability, the familiar, convenience. but i'm about to welcome independence, new friends, adventure, my future.
am i entering adulthood finally? or will this be a sort of second childhood? (i'm leaning toward the second. being mature is stupid :P)
transition has felt very much on hold lately. electrolysis is moving forward quite well (my cheeks is gettin oh so smoove!), but it keeps me from shaving most of the week. beyond that though, i'm worried about going to japan and not having an in-person support network. i was hired as a man, and so for the time being that's how i'll appear in professional contexts. i'm hoping the company has a somewhat favorable attitude toward LGBT—i'll have to talk to HR once i'm there.
of course there's still plenty of things i can do without going en femme full time. i need to find a therapist and hormone doc once i'm settled in japan. i think there is a electrolysis clinic near to where i'll live. i'd like to work on speaking with a more feminine-sounding voice—meaning i need to practice at home. i need to get better at doing my makeup too, since without outside help i often give myself zombie eyes ^o^
it feels like a setback, given the momentum i had back in january, but i gotta remember that i can't do everything at once. one step at a time.
i've almost gotten rid of all my random junk i've been trying to push on everyone. seeing the dentist tomorrow. my to do list is slowly shrinking. i think i'm moving for real.
here is a chart to illustrate the above point:
though rainbows and unicorns win a clear majority, my life is at least 19% anger and sadness, and the remaining 9% is kafkaesque.
but lately, with the impending move it's felt more like 33-33-33. i'm saying goodbye to family, friends, stability, the familiar, convenience. but i'm about to welcome independence, new friends, adventure, my future.
am i entering adulthood finally? or will this be a sort of second childhood? (i'm leaning toward the second. being mature is stupid :P)
transition has felt very much on hold lately. electrolysis is moving forward quite well (my cheeks is gettin oh so smoove!), but it keeps me from shaving most of the week. beyond that though, i'm worried about going to japan and not having an in-person support network. i was hired as a man, and so for the time being that's how i'll appear in professional contexts. i'm hoping the company has a somewhat favorable attitude toward LGBT—i'll have to talk to HR once i'm there.
of course there's still plenty of things i can do without going en femme full time. i need to find a therapist and hormone doc once i'm settled in japan. i think there is a electrolysis clinic near to where i'll live. i'd like to work on speaking with a more feminine-sounding voice—meaning i need to practice at home. i need to get better at doing my makeup too, since without outside help i often give myself zombie eyes ^o^
it feels like a setback, given the momentum i had back in january, but i gotta remember that i can't do everything at once. one step at a time.
i've almost gotten rid of all my random junk i've been trying to push on everyone. seeing the dentist tomorrow. my to do list is slowly shrinking. i think i'm moving for real.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
suitcase 生活
it occurs to me that i haven't kept everyone updated about my japan plans. i aim to correct that:
in 2 weeks 16 hours and 30 minutes i'll take off from los angeles, landing in tokyo 12 hours later. i'll take a bus from the airport to hitachi, ibaraki. the gig is still on.
in more practical terms though, i'm leaving utah on the 13th to go see family in california for a few days. and my flight to tokyo leaves on the 17th. so i basically have 10 days to get my affairs in order and say my goodbyes.
and speaking of getting my affairs in order...all my free yard sale stuff that doesn't get claimed in the next 5 days is going to DI. i've already begun resorting to craigslist. c'mon people! bathrobes! jumpsuits!
oh. and i started a vlog. link on the left.
p.s. i have a lot of thoughts/emotions building up right now, so i assume they'll explode pretty soon into a long blog rant. get excited! (or nervous?)
in 2 weeks 16 hours and 30 minutes i'll take off from los angeles, landing in tokyo 12 hours later. i'll take a bus from the airport to hitachi, ibaraki. the gig is still on.
in more practical terms though, i'm leaving utah on the 13th to go see family in california for a few days. and my flight to tokyo leaves on the 17th. so i basically have 10 days to get my affairs in order and say my goodbyes.
and speaking of getting my affairs in order...all my free yard sale stuff that doesn't get claimed in the next 5 days is going to DI. i've already begun resorting to craigslist. c'mon people! bathrobes! jumpsuits!
oh. and i started a vlog. link on the left.
p.s. i have a lot of thoughts/emotions building up right now, so i assume they'll explode pretty soon into a long blog rant. get excited! (or nervous?)
Friday, March 25, 2011
satan doesn't approve of my sleeping on the job
let me take you back to last night...
so there i was, lying on the couch hoping to get a little shut-eye at work. it was around midnight, and i was exhausted. i closed my eyes and exhaled. things were getting quiet—it shouldn't be too long before i'd fall asleep.
woosh woosh!*
*(imagine the sound of someone in windbreakers walking while consciously rubbing their legs together)
"oh god. is he still awake?" i thought. i opened my eyes to a still-dark living room—no-one in sight. "if he is coming down here he'll turn on the lights," i reassured myself. i can jerk awake pretty quickly to bright lights and the lumbering sounds of approaching sex offenders, so i let my eyes rest once again.
woosh woosh woOSH WOOSH WOOSH!
"geez. what time is it?" i grabbed my phone to check the time. but for some reason it didn't light up, which was odd because it was fully charged.
i moaned, closed my eyes again, and tried to relax.
WOOSH WOOSH WOOSH WOOSH!
"i must be imagining it. he's not down here. but still...i know i'm not dreaming." maybe i just needed something to snap me back to reality. i bit my lip. "ah! that's it." i thought as i felt the pinch of my tooth on my lower lip. but moments later, i realized my mouth was still closed, and my lip didn't hurt. "i imagined that too?!"
woosh woosh!
he came downstairs, but just long enough for me to remind him how late it was. but again, moments later i realized i hadn't even opened my mouth, let alone conversed with anyone. and then i heard what sounded like demon yokels in a heated debate. i had left the TV on, but...
i rolled over to see what the commotion was.
ok. somehow CNN had become a demon news channel.
WOOSH WOOSH WOOSH!
"uhhnnn..." i tried harder to open my mouth, sit up, do anything. again, i noticed that i hadn't even rolled over but was still facing the back of the couch. the TV was still behind me.
"ok. this has to stop NOW." i redoubled my efforts. i felt like i was pushing pushing PUSHING against a wall. at long last i broke through, feeling thoroughly winded.
i sat up. the room was dark and quiet as ever. anderson cooper purred softly from the TV across the room. i was alone.
"fuck me." i thought as i closed my eyes.
so there i was, lying on the couch hoping to get a little shut-eye at work. it was around midnight, and i was exhausted. i closed my eyes and exhaled. things were getting quiet—it shouldn't be too long before i'd fall asleep.
woosh woosh!*
*(imagine the sound of someone in windbreakers walking while consciously rubbing their legs together)
"oh god. is he still awake?" i thought. i opened my eyes to a still-dark living room—no-one in sight. "if he is coming down here he'll turn on the lights," i reassured myself. i can jerk awake pretty quickly to bright lights and the lumbering sounds of approaching sex offenders, so i let my eyes rest once again.
woosh woosh woOSH WOOSH WOOSH!
"geez. what time is it?" i grabbed my phone to check the time. but for some reason it didn't light up, which was odd because it was fully charged.
i moaned, closed my eyes again, and tried to relax.
WOOSH WOOSH WOOSH WOOSH!
"i must be imagining it. he's not down here. but still...i know i'm not dreaming." maybe i just needed something to snap me back to reality. i bit my lip. "ah! that's it." i thought as i felt the pinch of my tooth on my lower lip. but moments later, i realized my mouth was still closed, and my lip didn't hurt. "i imagined that too?!"
woosh woosh!
he came downstairs, but just long enough for me to remind him how late it was. but again, moments later i realized i hadn't even opened my mouth, let alone conversed with anyone. and then i heard what sounded like demon yokels in a heated debate. i had left the TV on, but...
i rolled over to see what the commotion was.
ok. somehow CNN had become a demon news channel.
WOOSH WOOSH WOOSH!
"uhhnnn..." i tried harder to open my mouth, sit up, do anything. again, i noticed that i hadn't even rolled over but was still facing the back of the couch. the TV was still behind me.
"ok. this has to stop NOW." i redoubled my efforts. i felt like i was pushing pushing PUSHING against a wall. at long last i broke through, feeling thoroughly winded.
i sat up. the room was dark and quiet as ever. anderson cooper purred softly from the TV across the room. i was alone.
"fuck me." i thought as i closed my eyes.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
free yard sale v1.2
third post of the day. whew!
this one is to announce additions to the free yard sale. some highlights include:
• bathrobes
• chinese (board-esque) games
• sports equipment
• shoes
• and much much more
be sure to check out the yard sale page to see if there's anything you want. if you have any use (no matter how small or silly) for any of it, PLEASE take it off my hands. i need to fit my entire life into a few small suitcases, and owning multiple bathrobes doesn't help the cause.
this one is to announce additions to the free yard sale. some highlights include:
• bathrobes
• chinese (board-esque) games
• sports equipment
• shoes
• and much much more
be sure to check out the yard sale page to see if there's anything you want. if you have any use (no matter how small or silly) for any of it, PLEASE take it off my hands. i need to fit my entire life into a few small suitcases, and owning multiple bathrobes doesn't help the cause.
ワン・フォー・ジャパン
先週のツナミのことだけど
どう感じるかよく分からない。ありえなく怖くて、悲しくて、何も感じられない気分。来月から茨城県のひたちなか市にいると思って、もしこの大地震と津波が先週じゃなくて来月、つまり私がもう引っ越してしまった時に起こったら、どうなったでしょう？って思うと怖いよ。ひたちなかが沿海都市なので、津波がひどかったに違いない。逃げられても、ホームレスかもね、今。
今日のニュースによると、1600人が死んで、2000人不明だそうです。私の知り合いが全員無事だと思うけど、その家族や友人に死なれた人はかわいそうなぁ (-_-)
きれいに書けなく、こういう時には何と言えばいいかなぁと全然分かんない。
:-/
じゃ、 japan—this one's for you:
どう感じるかよく分からない。ありえなく怖くて、悲しくて、何も感じられない気分。来月から茨城県のひたちなか市にいると思って、もしこの大地震と津波が先週じゃなくて来月、つまり私がもう引っ越してしまった時に起こったら、どうなったでしょう？って思うと怖いよ。ひたちなかが沿海都市なので、津波がひどかったに違いない。逃げられても、ホームレスかもね、今。
今日のニュースによると、1600人が死んで、2000人不明だそうです。私の知り合いが全員無事だと思うけど、その家族や友人に死なれた人はかわいそうなぁ (-_-)
きれいに書けなく、こういう時には何と言えばいいかなぁと全然分かんない。
:-/
じゃ、 japan—this one's for you:
toss the ramen, save the friendship
my roommate lives off of beer, whiskey, and ramen. i wish i were exaggerating. he's pretty good about drinking his beers to the last drop, and he can be counted on to take care of other people's wounded soldiers. he'll suck whiskey bottles dry. but after he eats ramen, food remains. i don't mean to say he habitually wastes half of the ramen he cooks. no—he makes double recipes but only uses one flavor packet.
me? i don't like letting food go to waste. so i've been picking up these packets he leaves behind. i think, "i could use them in stir-fry, rice porridge, as a soup base..." and i have. there's just one big problem: he eats one or more double recipes a day. so they've been piling up.
this represents the difference between how fast he produces leftover packets and how fast i can use them. at least for the first few months.
though i stopped collecting new ones (except to replace ones i use—which has kept the total static for a while), i've held on to these flavor packets all this time. that changes today.
i've realized that i hold on to a lot more than just flavor packets in this relationship. i hold on to debts, the times i've felt cheated, the hope that i can change him—none of which are healthy. so i'm going to throw out those ramen seasoning packets. i'm going to forget that all of my beer disappeared while i was at work last night. no, really! the only way this friendship can live is if i let the past go, start fresh, and don't try to make my friend into something he's not, nor expect him to become that way on his own.
i should stop being a doormat, you say? i shouldn't let people take advantage of me? well, i don't have to. and i don't plan to. i can get mad about his stealing shit from me—i just can't hold on to the rage or resentment that usually go along with it. believe me, i have some strong words for him about my 5 hand-picked-from-the-liquor-store beers (not having a car, i can't really get to the liquor store very often).
time to be more assertive!
me? i don't like letting food go to waste. so i've been picking up these packets he leaves behind. i think, "i could use them in stir-fry, rice porridge, as a soup base..." and i have. there's just one big problem: he eats one or more double recipes a day. so they've been piling up.
this represents the difference between how fast he produces leftover packets and how fast i can use them. at least for the first few months.
though i stopped collecting new ones (except to replace ones i use—which has kept the total static for a while), i've held on to these flavor packets all this time. that changes today.
i've realized that i hold on to a lot more than just flavor packets in this relationship. i hold on to debts, the times i've felt cheated, the hope that i can change him—none of which are healthy. so i'm going to throw out those ramen seasoning packets. i'm going to forget that all of my beer disappeared while i was at work last night. no, really! the only way this friendship can live is if i let the past go, start fresh, and don't try to make my friend into something he's not, nor expect him to become that way on his own.
i should stop being a doormat, you say? i shouldn't let people take advantage of me? well, i don't have to. and i don't plan to. i can get mad about his stealing shit from me—i just can't hold on to the rage or resentment that usually go along with it. believe me, i have some strong words for him about my 5 hand-picked-from-the-liquor-store beers (not having a car, i can't really get to the liquor store very often).
time to be more assertive!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
from there to here
flash back: 2 1/2 years ago. after an emotionally difficult summer, i decided to try to accept myself as being transgender—at least intellectually and emotionally. i felt that i shouldn't need to transition, and as long as i didn't ignore my gender dysphoria i'd find a way to cope. i explained this to others as being a "faith-motivated decision". in other words, my being mormon (and mormonism doesn't blend well with transsexualism), or my desire to "do what god wanted me to do" kept me from transitioning.
in retrospect, it seems there was more to it. a year later i left the church (maybe this deserves it's own in-depth post?). but it was still another year before i decided to begin transitioning. if religion were the only thing holding me back, why the year-long wait?
the bigger issue was fear, naturally. i worried "what if i never pass as a female?" "will people think i'm a fake if i don't act girly enough?" "who would want to date me?" "what if i get assaulted, raped, or killed because of this?" "will my family be cool with it?" "will my friends?" "will i be able to get a job?" "will i be able to adopt children?" "what if i'm not as 100% girl as i think i am?"
oddly enough, i never had the specific fear "will god punish me?". i knew that transitioning could very likely mean being kicked out of the mormon church (or at least being made a second-class citizen within the church). maybe final judgment was just too obscure a concept for me. *shrug*
last year i started therapy and began working through my fears. a lot of them slowly melted away, and once my confidence reached critical mass it exploded—i came out on facebook, changed my name, started hormones & electrolysis, and began presenting as female on a part-time basis.
i do still have fears—the most crippling being my fear of looking...silly. but to hell with it! here's a picture of me from last weekend in a dress for the first time since coming out:
life is change. i'd rather enjoy it than fight it. ^-^
in retrospect, it seems there was more to it. a year later i left the church (maybe this deserves it's own in-depth post?). but it was still another year before i decided to begin transitioning. if religion were the only thing holding me back, why the year-long wait?
the bigger issue was fear, naturally. i worried "what if i never pass as a female?" "will people think i'm a fake if i don't act girly enough?" "who would want to date me?" "what if i get assaulted, raped, or killed because of this?" "will my family be cool with it?" "will my friends?" "will i be able to get a job?" "will i be able to adopt children?" "what if i'm not as 100% girl as i think i am?"
oddly enough, i never had the specific fear "will god punish me?". i knew that transitioning could very likely mean being kicked out of the mormon church (or at least being made a second-class citizen within the church). maybe final judgment was just too obscure a concept for me. *shrug*
last year i started therapy and began working through my fears. a lot of them slowly melted away, and once my confidence reached critical mass it exploded—i came out on facebook, changed my name, started hormones & electrolysis, and began presenting as female on a part-time basis.
i do still have fears—the most crippling being my fear of looking...silly. but to hell with it! here's a picture of me from last weekend in a dress for the first time since coming out:
life is change. i'd rather enjoy it than fight it. ^-^
Friday, March 4, 2011
yard sale in the sidebar
check out my new sidebar link (or click here) to get a look at the first few items i've catalogued as part of my pre-departure free yard sale. hopefully you live in utah and can score big from this opportunity to inherit all of my junk.
in other news i stumbled across a website for a japanese transgender support group here. looks like there are transgender conferences every two months just an hour away from where i'll be living! on a related note, i attended my first trans-support group last night. it was a huge emotional boost, since i've been feeling a bit isolated lately.
in other news i stumbled across a website for a japanese transgender support group here. looks like there are transgender conferences every two months just an hour away from where i'll be living! on a related note, i attended my first trans-support group last night. it was a huge emotional boost, since i've been feeling a bit isolated lately.
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