i have some rather big news. i'm changing my name! and i'm 100% out!
for those of you who are new here or were directed here by the facebook post 'outting' myself, i'm transgender! born a boy, want to be/feel like a/wish i were a girl. no big deal. i'm changing my name to samantha (sam and sami are agreeable nicknames). i'll respond to 'ben' by force of habit, but i'd prefer sami or sam (or samantha, as occasion dictates).
for those of who find this news alienating and/or disturbing, maybe we shouldn't be friends? i mean, this is who i am, and your bad vibes aren't going to change that or make me want to pretend to be a normal guy who likes testosterone charged conversation.
but don't let me be too harsh! i know that accepting something like this can take time, so i won't hate you regardless if you're cool with this or not.
so, i decided to shave my legs today (since a part of this whole thing is allowing myself to be as much of a girl as i want to be). wow—that's tedious! it took me an hour to do a shoddy job on one leg:
i'm guessing regrowth is easier to shave (being shorter and sticking up more) and takes less time. luckily, it's winter so no one will know that i have one hairy leg and one smooth one!
feel free to leave a comment (i take questions—any and all!)
i somehow got out of the habit of blogging regularly, so here's a kick-start! (and as you'll notice from the link in the previous sentence, i'm now titling my links just like my pictures)
in my last post on food i left out a very important picture:
this was my pineapple rendition of mumbo jumbo, of banjo-kazooie fame.
ok. back to the whole "i haven't posted in a while" topic. given the month-long dry spell, i have a lovely set of things i can write about. and for your reading pleasure, i will write about all of them. right now. GO!
the first weekend of december, i roadtripped with cool kid sara to southern california to take the jlpt (japanese language proficiency test). the test was a bit harder than i had anticipated. at this point i'm giving it about a 50-50 that i passed (apparently it takes two months to grade a scantron #facepalm).
wait...i thought i was good at japanese? did i not study hard enough? lemme think...i did study, right?
exhibit a
right, right. i dinked around on read the kanji, mainly because it charted my level of awesomeness with characters (see all the colors?!).
exhibit b
well, yeah they're comic books. but they're in japanese! that's studying!
exhibit c
it's listening practice!
ok, so maybe i didn't really study per se. sigh. however! even if i didn't pass, at least some good came out of the whole experience. like the road trip. which gave me new hope that there are in fact good things to say about LA. traffic, of course, is not one of them. but little tokyo is! check out this cool map:
we ate at the deliciously wonderful, though hardly hole-in-the-wall, curry house. (and if you're interested here's the menu.) we didn't have this awesome map at the time, so we mostly hung out in weller court (the upper left block on the map that is cut through diagonally by onizuka street), which also housed kinokuniya, a japanese book store.
all of this was over-shadowed by a later drive down to san diego the following day, when we went to book-off:
for the uninitiated, book-off is an amazing used book store that has a very large selection of $1 books (¥100 in japan), the most important of which are comic books. i bought $40 worth of books (some were from the higher priced sections):
i'm currently reading at a rate of 2 volumes per week, working on gto (see exhibit b). so with any luck, this supply (and the 10 not-pictured volumes i already owned) will last me until it's time for another road trip.
continuing with the good that came out of the jlpt experience, i discovered the wonders of evernote and livestation. just to show you how cool evernote is, here's a screenshot:
i have a note open entitled "studying for the jlpt" with the tags ブログ and 日本語 ("blog" and "japanese"). whenever i think of something i want to blog about but don't have time to write a post immediately, i make a note in evernote. since i've started a trend with the above picture, let's take it a step further (this is random and unrelated to using evernote).
ok, lemme see if i can get this right. this is a screenshot of my blogger window, which contains a screenshot of evernote, in which the open note contains a cropped screenshot of my read the kanji progress chart. pretty cool, huh?
*completely different topic warning*
my home brews turned out ok. mostly. the first ones i opened (about a week and a half after bottling) were rather sweet, tasting more like cider than beer. they were very drinkable, just not very beer-y. it was lacking in maltiness, hop flavor and aroma, and body. the brews that i let condition for a few more weeks had a more subdued sweetness, but were otherwise the same.
the results shouldn't be too surprising though. the west coast pale ale batch is half booster (a packet of fermentable sugars), which essentially waters down (or alcohols down?) the malt and hops of the wort.
the beer, dubbed "ben's breakfast blend", won't need too much work to be a solid beer. replace the booster with another can of hme (hopped malt extract), and the flavors should be more or less balanced.
in 6 of the 20 bottles, i added an extra spoon of sugar (NB: sugar is added during bottling to carbonate and raise the alcohol level of the beer). after 3 weeks of conditioning they tasted the same as the early batch, but quite a bit more alcoholic. unfortunately, i didn't get them all in time:
this is the ceiling of my closet. i kept the brews in my closet to minimize light exposure. the extra sugar brews were more alcoholic and more carbonated. until i discovered glass shards on my floor and this in the ceiling i hadn't appreciated just how much more carbonated they were. 4 bottles exploded about 36 hours ago, leaving my closet full of glass and my clothes soaked in sugary beer. (-_-)
i think there were more things i was going to write about, but i'll leave it there for now.
food is a very important part of my life, and yet, i frequently settle for buying/eating garbage. in an ideal world—one where tanuki exercised self-control—i'd eat healthy, and i'd eat delicious.
for example, i could be eating this:
tonjiru (豚汁 - pork, veggies & miso soup)
instead of cooking something awesome (see above), i usually follow this unfortunate pattern:
i live with 5 guys. some of them wash their own dishes. some of them don't. as such, the natural state of our kitchen sink is too-full-to-fit-a-cup-under-the-faucet. i'm gonna go ahead and blame my poor eating habits on circumstance.
no, really! i feel justified because when i was living by myself in japan during the summer of 2009, this happened:
mabo tofu (麻婆豆腐)
frequently.
so. as an incentive to eat better, i want to start including food more often in the blog, in a series i will call tanuki food. it may include recipes, pictures, and sound clips of how much i'm enjoying what i'm eating.
today i became a level 1 brewmeister. my mr. beer home brewing kit arrived in the mail a few days ago, and after buying a few extra ingredients today, i began brewing my first batch.
pictured above: tools and ingredients, from left to right—home brewing guide, mr. beer home brewing kit box, starter kit instructions, one-step sanitizer, a pot, a booster pack (non-malt sugars used to enhance the body and alcohol content of the beer), can of west coast pale ale hme (hopped malt extract) with yeast packet under the lid, 'simply orange' orange juice, measuring cup, spoon, can opener, plate, walmart bottled water, mr. beer 2-gallon fermenter.
for the most part, i just followed the steps as printed in the instructions. the wort took a little extra time to make, though, because i didn't pour the booster in slowly enough so it all clumped together. it took a lot of stirring and some low heat on the stove to remedy that.
and then, of course, i added 2 1/2 cups of orange juice to the wort. this may prove disastrous OR it may prove the special touch needed to make my first home brew the most awesome beer ever.
in some ways i feel that brewing a new variety of beer is like having a baby. i'm already thinking about some names, but i'll wait until it's ready to drink before i finalize the name. i'll just have to sit and wait in anticipation for a few weeks as my 2 gallons of embryonic beer slowly develop and mature.
be patient, little one. you'll have your chance to shine. you may be stuck in a dark, room temperature cupboard now, but someday you'll bring happiness to the world.
oh, and to you out there reading this, if you would like some of the finished product, let me know! i'll have 20 bottles worth, ready to drink in about 3 weeks or so.
i'm not a morbid person. but i've been thinking, if i were to die without leaving any requests regarding my funeral/body what would my family decide on?
here's what they'd probably do:
• hold the funeral in utah.
• have me cremated, but i'm not sure what they'd do with my ashes.
• the funeral would focus on the last few years of my life—on the more honest-with-myself version of me.
• funeral food would include some of my favorite dishes.
• some aspect or two of the funeral would be non-traditional (knowing my family), but it's hard to guess exactly what would be.
here's what i'd like to happen:
• cremated—ashes returned to the earth. anywhere is fine.
• catered dinner party funeral. guests can choose from the following entrees: sushi combo plate, mabo tofu, mushroom & beef stroganoff, carnitas tacos (corn tortillas) w/ guacamole, something vegetarian, something italian.
• talking about me at the funeral is optional.
• if i leave behind money (beyond what's needed to cover funeral costs) it should be put in a big pot. funeral attendees have a chance to win part of the pot by competing in various carnival games.
• during the funeral, my current ipod mix will play on shuffle. remember: it's a dinner party.
• if people want to pour out a cold one for me, i'd prefer it be a sierra nevada pale ale, but any sam adams (aside from samuel adams light) would be acceptable. home brews are ok too. especially if they're named after me.
i think my family knows me pretty well, but there are some key differences between the two lists. but honestly, i'll be dead. how could i possibly care?
i have a hobby. or an addiction. every tuesday night, starting as early as 5:00 pm, i play a warcraft 3 mod with a bunch of guys. this mod (dota) is so popular that it has spawned threestand-alonegames, with a fourth currently being developed. i've played dota for 3 years now (damn, it's been that long), faithfully attending "game night" every week (even over WAN a few times in japan).
well, it's an awesome game. it's like an RTS (but without the vast army to command and worry about) with some RPG elements (leveling, item collection—not story) that feels like a WoW battleground except it's entirely skilled-based (no twinks). it's my favorite multiplayer game. ever.
this is the load screen (what you see while you wait for the game to load).
uncle vanya (the play i'm stage managing) opens this coming saturday! here are the performance details:
saturday, october 23, 2pm @ byu harris fine arts center, b201
monday, october 25, 7pm @ byu harris fine arts center, b201
wednesday, october 27, 7pm @ byu harris fine arts center, b201
saturday, october 30, 12pm @ orem library
during friday and saturday's rehearsals, i took about 300 pictures with my canon point-and-shoot, and here are my top picks (or pics?):
i took a bunch of shots outside. unfortunately, about half of the backlit ones had major lens flare. but i think this one turned out quite well. from left to right with character names in parentheses: kendal (madame voitskaya), jordan (serebrekov), kat (marina), and jackie (yelena).
telegin recounts his wife's betrayal. from left to right: bryan (vanya), lawrence (telegin), critter (astrov), and kat (marina).
whenever i'm in charge of a camera, a good number of the shots end up being of me.
i have a series of new ideas for life and the blog:
life related:
• watch some japanese tv everyday - i have a lot of yet-to-be-watched anime and j-drama. i also could use the listening practice.
• read something in japanese everyday - i have a shelf of unread manga and other japanese books. again, i could use the reading practice.
• come out as a post-mormon - a lot of people already know i'm not in the lds church anymore, but all too often i let people believe what they want because it's easier. of course, this is only really necessary with people who have always known me as mormon.
• come out as transgender - i've told my family, (now) ex-girlfriends, a few close friends, and the blogosphere. i could facebook status it, but that only handles facebook friends who check their news feed. i'm not yet sure how to be open / clear about who i am to other people without resorting to one-on-one serious talks.
• become quasi-vegetarian at the end of my 30-day vegetarian stint - i've lapsed twice (once, on accident with calamari that i thought was onion rings. the first bite told me otherwise. the second time was not exactly an accident—i ate ramen with shrimp powder. in my defense though, i didn't know there was shrimp powder in it until i had already prepared a full meal out of it). i'd like to limit myself to one serving of meat per day.
blog related:
• write the entire post, then pick a title - i don't want to stifle free-writing by locking myself in to a specific topic.
• たまに日本語で書く (write in japanese now and then) - ok, so this isn't a new idea. but i should recommit to it.
• pictures will be larger - that way you won't necessarily feel the need to click to enlarge a picture just to have an idea about what's going on.
i've started compiling a short list of sayings that help me regain perspective whenever i'm angry, frustrated, or otherwise absorbed in some negative thought/emotion pattern. thus far i have two:
今しかない (ima shika nai - "nothing exists but now")
敵がない (teki ga nai - "i have no enemies")
inspired by eckhart tolle, but of my own making. i don't need to leave angry notes over the kitchen sink directed at whichever person keeps leaving the pot crusted over with spaghetti sauce. it's just not worth getting upset over, and it's not worth making enemies over.
the other night at uncle vanya rehearsal, i took paparazzi pictures of everyone (my prerogative as stage manager). my favorite picture, was of my own shoes:
these are hand-me-down vans my roommate gave me. i like pictures with red in the middle. which reminds me of some pictures i took in japan in 2008:
i need to get back to japan. or at least somewhere green.
two weeks ago i mentioned that i was going to start drawing again. here's this morning's attempt:
this is a copy of an early mega-tokyo strip. a few years ago i printed out some mega-tokyo pages to help my cartooning. the drawing style is fairly simple, but as the series went on it got much more detailed and interesting. feeling out of practice i chose to copy the simpler style.
when i first printed those pages off in 2007, i drew this:
this is from the later, more sophisticated mega-tokyo days. at the time, i drew on a regular basis. with a little practice, i should be able to draw like this again.
there are some wonderfully simple things i can do to feel awesome about myself. i just did a handful of them:
• showering
• shaving (not the process, more the result)
• washing my face
• putting on clean undies
the result:
with my last post i intended to put a stop to my shirtless photos, but i got the lighting to be a bit more flattering by posing in my fluorescent kitchen. and i can be vain at times.
i'm gonna go put on my oversized t-shirt (yes, the girly kind) and crawl into bed. two more things that make me feel good. ^_^
after reading hyperbole and a half i've realized that my blog doesn't display enough of my personality. it's often intellectually revealing, but my wackiness is perhaps masked a bit too much. i'm inspired to use my real camera more (instead of my built-in macbook webcam), and also insert some of my drawings. remember how i said i'd put in a picture with every post? now there'll be interesting drawings and photos instead of unflattering shirtless snapshots of me.
i just glanced in my old (and only) sketchbook and found a few gems. i'll share four:
i started my sketchbook as a dream journal. this is the first and only page dealing with dreams. this would've been early 2004.
the hudson river and new jersey as viewed from the financial district in manhattan. this is hands-down my most time consuming and visually appealing ballpoint sketch. summer 2004.
this is bailey, my childhood dog. three of her legs are hidden because she is lying down. i didn't draw the floor. late summer 2004.
so this one time i was riding in someone's car in east provo, south of byu campus, and i saw a lady pushing around an empty stroller. i connected the dots and drew this picture. early 2007.
given my status as a level 4 penmaster, i should be able to draw a decent-looking tanuki for the blog banner. the real problem is i have spent so little time leveling since 2004. time to get back into it, eh?
WAIT. i can't be a penmaster. i need to think of a more all-encompassing class...bohemian? renaissance kid? renaissance kid. or lancer.
...small spaces. i was recently reminded of how i often volunteer to ride in the trunk when there are more people than seats. i have the hardest time convincing people that i actually enjoy it.
...tacky things. like my straightener from walmart. i don't like everything to be tacky, but i do need some token tacky in my life.
...unsweetened soy milk. why mask excellence with sugar?
...wacky ideas. i decided to learn french the other day. i can conjugate être now. if this is like any of my other wacky ideas, it'll be forgotten about next week.
...this moment. sitting on the floor. the lingering taste of moose drool. random three-year-old ogling the cat. almost hot enough to be uncomfortable.
last night i won a bet. i downed 50 chicken mcnuggets, large fries, and a large drink in under an hour (it only took me 35 minutes). the shitty feeling that followed inspired me to declare myself vegetarian for the next 30 days.
the rules:
• no meat (including but not limited to: beef, chicken, pork, turkey, fish, shellfish, or any flavoring derived from animal meat)
• yes milk (and its derivatives)
• yes eggs
honestly, i was thinking of going vegan for 30 days, but i have a carton of eggs in the fridge that i really ought to use in the next few weeks, and i don't want to be wasteful.
also, i'm gonna start including pictures with every post. as a rule. and there will be mouse-over text. as a rule.
romeo & juliet went out with a bang last monday. before the show, the director told us, "if you want to do something on stage, go for it. follow your impulses." the result? the best show of the whole run. and the most fun. everyone went deeper with their characters, they made riskier decisions, and it paid off big. awesome.
the company's next show is uncle vanya, which will run the last two weeks of october. i auditioned for it—and came more excited and prepared than i had to any previous audition—but i didn't make the cut >.< i did volunteer to help out, so now i've been dubbed "stage manager". rehearsals just started up on wednesday.
i've started studying for the jlpt, which i'll take in december (in los angeles whoo!). i haven't done much with japanese in the last three months, and it feels good to be reading, hearing, and using the language again. i added a japanese introduction page (タヌキって誰？ is actually a button now).
most exciting of all (for me at least): my mind is being blown away by the power of now (i mentioned this in an earlier post). literally. i don't feel there's one book or one philosopher / religious teacher that has all the answers, but this makes my list of awesome words to live by. for your reference i've included the list so far:
• tao te ching
• the bible
• the book of mormon
• the tao of pooh
• the power of now
i suspect i'll add the qur'an once i read it. something by rousseau might end up on the list too. i may pick a good shakespeare to throw in as well.
oh. and here's a picture update:
despite what the picture may seem to convey, i'm actually feeling quite good about life! this may be related to the fact that i just bought a bottle of sake.
i'm willing to bet that every single person in the world is fascinating. the reason we think most people are boring is because they don't embrace their awesome.
it may sound a bit vain, but i think i'm a beautifully complicated human being. for a long time i thought i was a math-science kid. now, i'm japanese degree toting thespian. i dream of having my own tiny restaurant where no wall separates the customers from the kitchen. i enjoy plain lattes (no flavoring or sugar). i like walking home from work—all 6 miles of it. i'm a chameleon, adapting to whatever situation and locale i'm in. i secretly enjoy my own farts. i believe in love, but rarely allow myself to be that vulnerable. sometimes i worry that my ass is too big, and at other times i worry that it's slowly disappearing. i fear, but have not yet experienced, hair loss. pastrami is my drug. i put a lot of stock in dreams, and sometimes read too much into them.
i'm weird, and that's awesome. next time you're about to write someone off, you should ask, "what's your awesome?" push them long enough, and they'll spit it out.
find their fascinating. embrace your awesome.
in other news, i'm working on a stage adaptation of a christmas carol.
i've always hated the idea of public prayer. one person communicating with god vocally, representing everyone in the room? no, you don't represent me. and i doubt my honest prayer would represent you.
yesterday, i had a rather ugly experience with praying in public. the director and most of the cast of romeo & juliet are mormon (i'm one of two who aren't), so it's not that weird that we have cast prayer before each show. usually, someone will volunteer to say the prayer, though on occasion the director will ask a specific person to pray. last night, the director caught me off guard. she asked me to pray. really, me? don't you remember the time i drank champagne in front of you? don't you remember the conversation we had about how i'm a chameleon living among mormons?
i have no idea what was going through her head. maybe she was trying to give an outsider a chance to pray with the group in his own way. maybe she was trying to spur a lost soul back onto the path of redemption. maybe she just wasn't thinking at all.
the worst part of all: i said yes. "oh shit," i thought. "how do i even say a prayer that i'm comfortable with?" immediately and unintentionally i fell back into familiar patterns of prayer. and at "amen" i felt thoroughly disgusted. i couldn't even stand up for myself? i couldn't have said "no, thank you"? i couldn't have prayed in a way that felt true to my own beliefs? apparently not. i have been too well trained to pray for others' ears.
in my mind, prayer is (or should be) communication. the "god" i feel is everywhere—in everything. how the hell do i turn meditation into a 30-second public speech? shitty. next time i'm politely refusing. it's decided.
my past, you win this round. but i won't lie down so easily next time.
i went for a walk today (or yesterday, since it's past midnight). according to google maps it was about 10 miles total—with two sizable breaks.
part 1:
my roommate wanted to go out for some grub and i decided to tag along. as luck would have it, the used jeep he bought yesterday refused to start. having sat around all day—and feeling extremely tired for having done nothing—i was determined to leave the house for a bit. so i set out on foot. i crossed university parkway, and with walmart sinking out of view behind me i headed north on an oddly charming street with a rather sterile name—400 west.
if i had to choose one word to describe the street, it would be personality. this is no cookie-cutter neighborhood (at least not until you get north of center street). it was as if each plot of land was a large-scale caricature of its owner. some flashy, some plain. some private, some open. some lush, some barren. i passed by a peach orchard, and at the end of it there was a young girl yelling "peaches! we got peaches and nectarines!" ("nectarines" sounded like "ice cream" from far away, and i was a bit disappointed when that became clear). i bought a peach for 50 cents. it was quite good—not the most flavorful peach, but it had a good, crisp consistent texture. there's something wonderful about the unplanned roadside purchase of a piece of fruit. 400 west lost the diversity of personality a few blocks later, but i took my time with the peach and hardly noticed the loss.
part 2:
i met up with a friend for coffee at the end of my 400 west walk. we took the bus down to starbucks, sipped our designer drinks, and tried to talk of happy things (which can be hard in utah valley). we missed the last bus by 10 minutes, so we had to walk back. our path took us north on 400 east. i'm not sure how 400 east and 400 west compare visually—good conversation and low light made such observation impossible. we talked. it was nice. i have far too many inane conversations, so 400 east was refreshing.
part 3:
after hanging out for a few minutes, i headed out once more. i retraced my steps along 400 west, now dark and deserted. with little visual stimuli and no desire to entertain an hour of inner monologue, i sang some shibuya-kei classics by pizzicato five and capsule all the way home—a good way to wrap up the night:
i didn't really dive too deeply into my beliefs, so i'll give you a bit more. here's a tanuki belief sampler (i.e. this list is not exhaustive):
i believe...
1. people are more important than possessions.
-one time, someone spilled beer on my laptop. getting angry wouldn't have solved anything, but it could have hurt the relationship. computers are replaceable. people aren't.
2. in living in harmony with nature.
-nature operates in cycles—give and take. as a species we're out of harmony with nature. let's give as much as we take.
3. in respect.
-respect your own body, respect other people, respect animals, respect life, respect the earth itself. don't be an asshole to anyone or anything.
4. honesty is usually the best policy.
-lies can be hurtful. so can secrets. avoid them as much as possible. when truth hurts, it should be delivered delicately.
5. murder is unjust.
-microwaving cats and squashing spiders are forms of murder.
6. in leaving the world a better place than it was when you found it.
-be a force for good in the world.
7. sexual preference has nothing to do with right and wrong.
-an ideal relationship is founded on mutual love and respect. i fail to see how loving homosexual relationships are bad and cold heterosexual ones are good.
8. beliefs should never be forced on anyone.
-not by guilt, not by fear. if only byu (my alma mater) felt the same way.
i realize some of these don't exactly seem like religious/spiritual beliefs. that's fine. for me they are.
finally have an internet connection at home. i am happy ^_^
my brother sent me a book called the power of now, that i just started reading yesterday. favorite quote thus far:
all the things that truly matter—beauty, love, creativity, joy, inner peace—arise from beyond the mind.
i've noticed a lot of overlap between tolle's (the author) ideas and taoism. which reminds me...i need to track down my copy of the tao of pooh (a great introduction to taoism). anyway, i'm looking forward to getting deeper into the book.
so, if i don't identify myself as a mormon anymore, what or where am i spiritually?
recently i was asked, "well, do you still believe in god?" why is that the one important question? am i a better person if i do believe in god? my answer: "i believe in a power beyond what we see—a positive force. is it a man with a beard? i imagine not, but does that really matter? what matters to me is that we all can feel it, have access to it, and are part of it, whether we realize that or not." i prefer not to use the word/name god. it's a judeo-christian word, and my beliefs don't really align with that religious tradition. i lean more towards words like "power", "force", "energy", "life", "light", "current", and sometimes "the tao" (i feel rather taoist from time to time).
a friend of mine recently blogged about the beauty and humility of the phrase "i don't know." i don't claim to know anything with absolute certainty—especially things of a spiritual nature. i can only say that i feel this is the right direction for me at the present. and as i evolve as a person, my beliefs will evolve too.
i won't ever tell you that your beliefs are wrong. how can i judge what's best for you? please do me the same favor. and everyone else, too, while you're at it
we've cancelled our last week of shows and changed locations/times of a few others. here's the updated performance schedule for romeo & juliet:
August 27 Pioneer Park, 500 W Center Street, Provo 7 pm
August 28 Memorial Park @ 800 E and Center Street, Provo 7 pm
August 30 Memorial Park @ 800 E and Center Street, Provo 7 pm
Sept 2 the Duck Pond @ 800 N, BYU 7 pm
Sept 3 the Duck Pond @ 800 N, BYU 7 pm
Sept 4 Pioneer Park, 500 W Center Street, Provo 7 pm
Sept 6 Memorial Park @ 800 E and Center Street, Provo 7 pm
so now i sit in anticipation. in three days i'll find out whether or not i'm a college graduate.
have i been careful enough? i could have been spotted entering provo's liquor store or bar. i've walked out of smith's and walmart, booze-in-hand, in broad daylight. i drink coffee on campus. my hair is about 7 months too long. i haven't been to church in about 11 months. i went to the pride festival in salt lake. (nb: these are all things that could get me suspended or kicked out of byu.) maybe least careful of all—i'm blogging this.
in three days, if all goes well, i'll be able to openly admit that i've parted ways with mormonism—the faith, the culture, and the organization. i'm glad this charade is coming to an end.
it would be nice to be open about other things as well. but should i tell people up front that i'm transgender and somewhere on the bisexual spectrum? are those things better kept private? sexuality can be kept private, for sure. but transitioning (living as a female) is a bit too obvious. but as long as i continue presenting myself as male, no one really knows unless i tell them.
under the iron rule of byu, "coming out" was never an option. but now that those days are quickly drawing to a close, i for the first time in my life have that option. this will take some more soul-searching.
i'm done with school. one of my jobs ends next thursday. romeo and juliet ends in about three weeks. i'm confronted with an odd conundrum: i have free time. now, to figure out what to do...
i could get back into songwriting. or start on that big pile of books i've been meaning to read. rekindle old friendships. catch up on sleep. ooo—i could actually cook for a change! ahh, the possibilities!
is it an improvement? i'd like to think so. i've spent the last 5 hours designing it. the page "about tanuki" was a post from last week. i haven't written the equivalent japanese page (タヌキって誰？) yet.
in other news, romeo & juliet is going well. performances are in full swing, and we've been having decent-sized audiences come. the director (aptly named anne shakespeare) has helped me develop a lot as an actor—take more risks on stage, engage the audience, have better posture, etc. so what this play isn't a paying gig. i'm getting free training ^_^
here's the schedule for my upcoming show, romeo & juliet:
August 12 200 S Main Street, Pleasant Grove, 7 pm
August 13 Memorial Park @ 800 E and Center Street, Provo 7 pm August 14 Provo Farmers Market, 500 W Center Street, Provo 12 noon August 14 Kiwanis Park, 820 N 1100 E, Provo 7 pm August 16 Nielson’s Grove, 2000 S Sandhill Road, Orem 7 pm August 19 Short Version* Orem Library, 58 N State Street, 6:30 pm August 20 Short Version* 645 E 400 S, Salt Lake City, 6 pm August 21 Provo Farmers Market, 500 W Center Street, Provo 12 noon August 21 Pioneer Park, 500 W Center Street, Provo 7 pm August 28 Memorial Park @ 800 E and Center Street, Provo 7 pm August 30 A park in Orem that will be announced soon. . . Sept 2 Outside the south entrance to the Harris Fine Arts Center, BYU, 7 pm Sept 3 Outside the south entrance to the Harris Fine Arts Center, BYU, 7 pm Sept 4 Pioneer Park @ 300 S 300 W, Salt Lake City, 9 am Sept 6 Rock Canyon Park @ 2620 N 1200 E, Provo 7 pm Sept 9 the Duck Pond @ 800 N, BYU 7 pm Sept 10 the Duck Pond @ 800 N, BYU 7 pm Sept 11 Memorial Park @ 800 E and Center Street, Provo 7 pm
whew! we have a lot of performance dates. i pulled the calendar from the theatre company blog. last time i checked, they still hadn't put my bio up yet >_<
oh right. i'm playing paris and lord montague. come check it out!
i recently learned that my seventh grade english teacher is serving a five-year prison term for molestation of a former student. i was shocked. i loved that teacher. but then again, maybe i shouldn't be shocked? i hear that teachers exposed to be sex offenders were often the ones that everyone liked.
after reading several newspaper articles about the ordeal, i wanted to write him a letter. i'm sure he's gotten plenty of letters telling him what a rotten person he is, but i wanted to write a different letter. i wanted to tell him that whatever his failings and wrongdoings, he influenced me for the better. i haven't found out how to write to him yet, but in the meantime i stumbled across a facebook group dedicated to his arrest and court case. i wrote the following on the wall:
so, I may be the only one who feels this way...but here goes:
he pled guilty and was convicted. i don't have any doubts about what he did. it scares me that i was in his 7th grade english class at frost in 1998 (around the same time that the first offense happened). HOWEVER, i personally owe a lot to him. i gained a lot of appreciation for the arts because of his influence as a teacher. i know and love jim morrison (of the doors) and edgar allen poe because of mr. ballmann.
he did some really sick and wrong things. and he hurt people in ways that can't ever be made fully right. the good he did does not in any way undo the bad he did. BUT the converse is also true: the bad he did does not in any way undo the good he did.
i hope that both mr. ballmann and the victims can heal from this awful experience, and that there is a bright future for all parties. and may you read this and in your own way forgive the man as well.
in combining blogs, i want to actually repost a poem i wrote for "tanuki poetry" a few months ago:
i like weeds
they must be nature's way of saying
fuck you
one day as i was walking home from the bus stop i noticed all the weeds growing between the cracks in the pavement. concrete and glass dominate the landscape. a few token trees are planted on grass islands. but nature still muscles its way through the cracks, frustrating mr. has-the-best-lawn-in-the-neighborhood.
(warning: i'm about to wax poetic) people talk of pioneers "making the desert bloom". what do i see? i see stems of steel, flowers fluorescent. i watch sprinklers flood the fields.
nature, let's be friends. i won't stamp out your weeds.
i have too many blogs, so i'm now posting everything on this new unified "tanuki talk" blog. the old ones (http://mytgissues.blogspot.com and http://thoughtpoetry.blogspot.com) are still up, but i won't be adding anything there anymore.
i will be adding an intro page in japanese and english.
今月「Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind」という不条理劇とアーサー・ミラーの「The Last Yankee」という芝居、両方に出る。その二番目はただのエキストラだけだ。しかし、それでもケッコ楽しい。そして、５月から６月まで続演される「Mysteries of Monster Grove」というオリジナルの劇に出演！
