how it was back then

it's official. i now live downtown. it may just be the downtown of a depressing industrial town, but at least i'm now near the train station, all the shops, and all the bars.

as i was unpacking i opened up an old journal from my freshman year of college. it was so weird looking back at my 19 year old self. i forgot how angsty, horny, and mormon (no offense) i was. at that time, i really thought i knew what love was, and i believed that some people were meant to be together. i also apparently used to hate my dad (2004 was a tough year for our relationship).

that was me 8 years ago. still, it didn't feel as though i was reading about myself. it felt like some entirely different person. nevermind a different chapter in the book of my life—that had to be a different book altogether.

maybe it's not that weird. i wasn't out as trans back then, and as a mormon my outlook on life was radically different. 8 game-changing years.

anyone had a similar experience? how have you felt when you picked up your old journal?

trans-japan: doctor, doctor!

yesterday i had my first appointment with a gender specialist doctor in japan.

i wasn't sure what to expect, but i tried to prepare beforehand in all the ways i could think of.

i had a copy of a letter from my american therapist. i brought my hormone prescriptions (spironolactone and estradiol). and i also made myself a little cheat sheet of relevant japanese words that i might not know off the top of my head.

the intake process began like most first-time doctor visits do. i filled out a form with my personal details and some basic medical history questions.

after a short wait i had an interview with a psychologist. she asked me a lot of general questions (family size, hometown, education level, etc.), and then some ones specific to my seeking treatment (how long i've known i'm trans, treatment i've received, etc.).

after another wait i met with the psychiatrist who runs the clinic. we went into much greater detail about my gender dysphoria. i was surprised by how unequipped i felt to answer his questions in japanese.

for example, he asked me, "what is it you don't like about being male?"

i thought for a moment and said, "there's a cultural/social aspect and a physical aspect. socially, i don't think, feel, and communicate like men do. and then physically, i sometimes feel disgust at my own body/anatomy." there were a lot of pauses as i thought how to say all that.

then he asked me, "well, what specifically do you not like about the male way of thinking/acting? please give me some examples."

and then my brain (already severely straining at this point) simply stopped working.

he encouraged me to speak in english if i couldn't get the japanese out. i couldn't really gauge his english level, but he seemed to get the gist of what i was saying.

once the intake questions were finished. he asked me point-blank, "so, you want more hormones, is that it?"

"well...yes. yes, i do. but i also want to get counseling to talk about the future."

"the future?"

"i want surgery."

he said, "alright. for today let's take care of your hormones. how much do you want? i can give you any amount."

"...uhh...? maybe like a few mo—"

"let's set your next appointment. how often do you want to come?"

"it's kind of far from home, but i'd like to do once a month." i live three hours away.

we set the next appointment, and he gave me exactly enough hormones to carry me through until the appointment.

there was a bit of a change though. japan has a medication that's identical to estradiol, but it's prohibitively expensive, so (with his recommendation) i opted to switch to premarin.

national health insurance covers counseling/therapy but i'll have to pay for my hormones out-of-pocket.

oh yeah—the final thing i did at the doctor's. he had me draw a tree. he said it was some sort of psychological test.

am i gonna screw it up? can i just draw any tree? maybe i should do a lollipop tree and be done with it. but what if that's a red flag or something? hmm, this tree looks a bit dead. lots of branches, no leaves. what does that say about me? they're probably wondering why i'm spending so much time on this tree. hmm, good enough, right?

damn doctor head-games! (>_<) haha.

ideas for change

up until now i've been using tags (labels) to mark the main topics of any given post. being in japanese, they're probably only useful to me.

going back and switching them all over to english is not an idea that appeals to me, but maybe there is something i can do to improve the organization of tanuki talk.

and so, i'm introducing columns! by column i mean section, like in a newspaper. the blog won't change visually so much, but now you'll see what you're getting into when you read a post title (they can be cryptic sometimes).

for example, a post about food could be titled "munchies: my conversion to goya"—with "munchies" being the column title of any post about food.

it's late, and i'm tired. so we'll call it good with two columns for now. "munchies" for food posts and "trans-japan" for posts relating to being transgender in japan.