satan doesn't approve of my sleeping on the job

let me take you back to last night...

so there i was, lying on the couch hoping to get a little shut-eye at work. it was around midnight, and i was exhausted. i closed my eyes and exhaled. things were getting quiet—it shouldn't be too long before i'd fall asleep.

woosh woosh!*

*(imagine the sound of someone in windbreakers walking while consciously rubbing their legs together)

"oh god. is he still awake?" i thought. i opened my eyes to a still-dark living room—no-one in sight. "if he is coming down here he'll turn on the lights," i reassured myself. i can jerk awake pretty quickly to bright lights and the lumbering sounds of approaching sex offenders, so i let my eyes rest once again.

woosh woosh woOSH WOOSH WOOSH!

"geez. what time is it?" i grabbed my phone to check the time. but for some reason it didn't light up, which was odd because it was fully charged.

i moaned, closed my eyes again, and tried to relax.

WOOSH WOOSH WOOSH WOOSH!

"i must be imagining it. he's not down here. but still...i know i'm not dreaming." maybe i just needed something to snap me back to reality. i bit my lip. "ah! that's it." i thought as i felt the pinch of my tooth on my lower lip. but moments later, i realized my mouth was still closed, and my lip didn't hurt. "i imagined that too?!"

woosh woosh!

he came downstairs, but just long enough for me to remind him how late it was. but again, moments later i realized i hadn't even opened my mouth, let alone conversed with anyone. and then i heard what sounded like demon yokels in a heated debate. i had left the TV on, but...

i rolled over to see what the commotion was.

ok. somehow CNN had become a demon news channel.

WOOSH WOOSH WOOSH!

"uhhnnn..." i tried harder to open my mouth, sit up, do anything. again, i noticed that i hadn't even rolled over but was still facing the back of the couch. the TV was still behind me.

"ok. this has to stop NOW." i redoubled my efforts. i felt like i was pushing pushing PUSHING against a wall. at long last i broke through, feeling thoroughly winded.

i sat up. the room was dark and quiet as ever. anderson cooper purred softly from the TV across the room. i was alone.

"fuck me." i thought as i closed my eyes.

free yard sale v1.2

third post of the day. whew!

this one is to announce additions to the free yard sale. some highlights include:

• bathrobes
• chinese (board-esque) games
• sports equipment
• shoes
• and much much more

be sure to check out the yard sale page to see if there's anything you want. if you have any use (no matter how small or silly) for any of it, PLEASE take it off my hands. i need to fit my entire life into a few small suitcases, and owning multiple bathrobes doesn't help the cause.

ワン・フォー・ジャパン

先週のツナミのことだけど

どう感じるかよく分からない。ありえなく怖くて、悲しくて、何も感じられない気分。来月から茨城県のひたちなか市にいると思って、もしこの大地震と津波が先週じゃなくて来月、つまり私がもう引っ越してしまった時に起こったら、どうなったでしょう？って思うと怖いよ。ひたちなかが沿海都市なので、津波がひどかったに違いない。逃げられても、ホームレスかもね、今。

今日のニュースによると、1600人が死んで、2000人不明だそうです。私の知り合いが全員無事だと思うけど、その家族や友人に死なれた人はかわいそうなぁ (-_-)

きれいに書けなく、こういう時には何と言えばいいかなぁと全然分かんない。

:-/

じゃ、 japan—this one's for you:

toss the ramen, save the friendship

my roommate lives off of beer, whiskey, and ramen. i wish i were exaggerating. he's pretty good about drinking his beers to the last drop, and he can be counted on to take care of other people's wounded soldiers. he'll suck whiskey bottles dry. but after he eats ramen, food remains. i don't mean to say he habitually wastes half of the ramen he cooks. no—he makes double recipes but only uses one flavor packet.

me? i don't like letting food go to waste. so i've been picking up these packets he leaves behind. i think, "i could use them in stir-fry, rice porridge, as a soup base..." and i have. there's just one big problem: he eats one or more double recipes a day. so they've been piling up.

this represents the difference between how fast he produces leftover packets and how fast i can use them. at least for the first few months.

though i stopped collecting new ones (except to replace ones i use—which has kept the total static for a while), i've held on to these flavor packets all this time. that changes today.

i've realized that i hold on to a lot more than just flavor packets in this relationship. i hold on to debts, the times i've felt cheated, the hope that i can change him—none of which are healthy. so i'm going to throw out those ramen seasoning packets. i'm going to forget that all of my beer disappeared while i was at work last night. no, really! the only way this friendship can live is if i let the past go, start fresh, and don't try to make my friend into something he's not, nor expect him to become that way on his own.

i should stop being a doormat, you say? i shouldn't let people take advantage of me? well, i don't have to. and i don't plan to. i can get mad about his stealing shit from me—i just can't hold on to the rage or resentment that usually go along with it. believe me, i have some strong words for him about my 5 hand-picked-from-the-liquor-store beers (not having a car, i can't really get to the liquor store very often).

time to be more assertive!

from there to here

flash back: 2 1/2 years ago. after an emotionally difficult summer, i decided to try to accept myself as being transgender—at least intellectually and emotionally. i felt that i shouldn't need to transition, and as long as i didn't ignore my gender dysphoria i'd find a way to cope. i explained this to others as being a "faith-motivated decision". in other words, my being mormon (and mormonism doesn't blend well with transsexualism), or my desire to "do what god wanted me to do" kept me from transitioning.

in retrospect, it seems there was more to it. a year later i left the church (maybe this deserves it's own in-depth post?). but it was still another year before i decided to begin transitioning. if religion were the only thing holding me back, why the year-long wait?

the bigger issue was fear, naturally. i worried "what if i never pass as a female?" "will people think i'm a fake if i don't act girly enough?" "who would want to date me?" "what if i get assaulted, raped, or killed because of this?" "will my family be cool with it?" "will my friends?" "will i be able to get a job?" "will i be able to adopt children?" "what if i'm not as 100% girl as i think i am?"

oddly enough, i never had the specific fear "will god punish me?". i knew that transitioning could very likely mean being kicked out of the mormon church (or at least being made a second-class citizen within the church). maybe final judgment was just too obscure a concept for me. *shrug*

last year i started therapy and began working through my fears. a lot of them slowly melted away, and once my confidence reached critical mass it exploded—i came out on facebook, changed my name, started hormones & electrolysis, and began presenting as female on a part-time basis.

i do still have fears—the most crippling being my fear of looking...silly. but to hell with it! here's a picture of me from last weekend in a dress for the first time since coming out:

life is change. i'd rather enjoy it than fight it. ^-^

yard sale in the sidebar

check out my new sidebar link (or click here) to get a look at the first few items i've catalogued as part of my pre-departure free yard sale. hopefully you live in utah and can score big from this opportunity to inherit all of my junk.

in other news i stumbled across a website for a japanese transgender support group here. looks like there are transgender conferences every two months just an hour away from where i'll be living! on a related note, i attended my first trans-support group last night. it was a huge emotional boost, since i've been feeling a bit isolated lately.