tea thinking

i wanted to write, so here i write.

i'm going to try a little exercise from my college writing class days. i write but i'm not allowed to delete anything. i have to write exactly what comes into my head.

this could be scary and dangerous, depending on my mind, but i've been feeling a kind of inner weirdness lately that has stifled creativity and created a general feeling of "blah". that's why a little uncomfortable digging may be just the thing i need.

a sip of my tea.

here we go. i fear that i will miss out on the chance to do something incredibly important. i don't know what that really means, but it's a nagging feeling i have been nursing for a good while now. or at least, since things went south in japan.

another sip of tea.

what does it mean? do i need to make a career for myself? or, do i need to get my shit together in general? i feel rather not put together right now.

since i came back to the states last august i've been living in a strange limbo. i've been spending a lot of great time with family, but i kind of feel like i'm on an inescapable vacation.

tea is making me hot. i don't know if i should stop drinking tea or just take my shirt off.

taking my shirt off.

that's better.

a nice sip of tea.

should i make a more concerted effort to develop my hobbies into something more meaningful? i love languages and i want to learn more (and improve in the ones i already kinda know), but i find it really hard to get into a real routine.

a pleasantly warming sip of tea.

the truth is, i binge on video games and mindless internet browsing. and tv shows, though i'm not guilty of that now, since i haven't picked a new show after finishing "the l word" last month. the process is very enjoyable, but the result almost never is.

i feel differently about books though. i enjoy books during the read, but also after i finish.

so what benefit do i get out of video games? i don't feel a need to kill boredom, truly. i'm not bored. i just crave the game. or games, rather. i get drawn into the world in much the same you would with a well-written novel, but it's harder to put down. it's harder to say, "enough for today," and move on to something else.

a slightly tepid sip of tea.

i've never been a good goal-setter. that doesn't mean i can't become one, true. but would i respond better to other tactics?

i've tried stopping things cold-turkey before and that generally comes back to bite me. maybe i need to strive for moderation. i CAN play games every day. but i don't have to play ALL day.

i am resistant to set strict rules for myself of, "you can only play video games after doing X task." resistant? i meant hesitant. if i set strict rules i'm bound to break them.

rather, i think i should not set rules, but rather (two rathers in a sentence? really?) but just make a goal to do one X thing today. the "X" thing could be:

-write some in my book
-write a blog post
-knit a bit
-read

i have a lot of options as to what that "X" could be.

a sip of tea to put me back on topic.

back on topic? well, more like back to the original conundrum. feeling off. i think video game/internet/TV binging contributes to a general feeling of aimlessness, but the core issue lies elsewhere.

either, i need to start thinking about a long-term "i'm down with this" type of career, or i need to fully embrace not having one and being a renaissance woman.

because i want to start my own business. no. i don't like the word business.

i want to start my own trade. i want to be a creative handyman of sorts. i'm going to think about this some more because this sounds a lot cooler than finding a "career". but first i'll do some laundry and play video games.

a final gulp of tea.

wasting time making favicons

i've been spending all morning making favicons.

here are the results:

16x16:
 

32x32:


let's see if i can get them to display correctly...

today's mail

it's finally here:

glad to be done with the DMV. (^-^)

for a while anyway.

i'm still alive

...and i'm gonna start blogging again!

i just wrote a dinky little japanese blog piece. and now i'm doing this english one!

lucky you (^_–)–☆


i'm thinking about writing a book about the last three years of my life. i think it'd make for a fun read, but i don't feel entirely comfortable calling it an autobiography. i have a few reasons why.

1) the word "autobiography" sounds boring.

2) i believe autobiographies are for people who think they're important but lack either the money or fame to commission biographies.

3) this most recent period of my life has felt decidedly like a drama and not a documentary.


so it'll be a novel.

and i'll change everyone's names to vegetables.

so "joe" could very well become "rhubarb". at least for the first draft.


should i start before november? yes. and if i finish before november, i can write another for NaNoWriMo! :D

toodles!

surgery scrapbook

lucky for me, things get time stamped.

like facebook posts.

and tweets.

and the photos i take on my phone.

this miracle of technology will allow me to recover in peace, not having to stress out about when i did what in order to keep a good record.

i think it'd be quite personally interesting to later see a compilation of all my photos, tweets, FB posts, etc. of my time here in thailand.

like a scrapbook. a digital one.

i'm a very time-oriented person. i like to remember what year things happened in my life. but i can usually remember when events happened to the month.

my experience with surgery in thailand will only span 3 weeks. a year from now i won't remember the order of things so well (cuz my brain only gets specific to the month).

i'm grateful for time stamps.

oh and by the way—it's been a week since surgery and i'm doing well! my stitches came out today, and tomorrow i'll start dilation.

but, i've got a real pain in my ass.

literally.

i've got bed sore on my bum-bum from not being able to lie on my side for 4+ days. now i HAVE to lie on my side (at least i have 2. sides, that is.).

and i'm typing this from a modified "orz" position: on my knees, leaning forward on my elbows typing.

and it's getting old (aka my back and shoulders don't like this position) so i'm gonna lie down on my side for a while.

someday soon i'll give you the REAL skinny on how surgery and recovery have been. (^_~)

hormone-less days, sleepless nights

another blog post is definitely in order.

oh.

MY.

GOD.

surgery is like, WAY soon.

let's see...it's currently friday morning (in japan)? i'm having surgery in three days. THREE DAYS.

without a doubt, i'm excited / nervous / happy / terrified.

you know that feeling you have before you give a big speech? you know, where your heart feels a little weak and your tummy is all kinds of unsettled? yeah, that feeling is not going away. (◉д◉;)

and i get the sense that i won't really feel better until i wake up after surgery, when ironically, i'll actually be in real pain (unless i'm still pretty doped up?).

ok, to be fair, writing this has taken the edge off a bit.

maybe i just need to have a good scream?

one sec....



hmm, screaming into a pillow is not as stress relieving as i had hoped. :-/

wait a minute....maybe it's hormones (or lack thereof)!

yeah! hmm, that could definitely be a contributor here...

you see, the thing is—the doctor told me to stop taking hormones two weeks before surgery. and that was a week and a half ago.

maybe my body is less able to manage / channel stress without any hormones! i think i like that theory.

yeah. we'll go with that.


oh and it's been taking me almost 3 hours to fall asleep every night this week. which kinda blows.

we'll blame that one on lack of hormones too. :D



am i having second thoughts / some sort of crisis?

no.

surgery just scares me. not so much the idea of surgery, but the reality of it.

and it's really just three days away! (^o^)

my lifelong crush

so.

i have this growing suspicion that i have a crush on myself.

i do photograph myself a lot....