satan doesn't approve of my sleeping on the job

let me take you back to last night...

so there i was, lying on the couch hoping to get a little shut-eye at work. it was around midnight, and i was exhausted. i closed my eyes and exhaled. things were getting quiet—it shouldn't be too long before i'd fall asleep.

woosh woosh!*

*(imagine the sound of someone in windbreakers walking while consciously rubbing their legs together)

"oh god. is he still awake?" i thought. i opened my eyes to a still-dark living room—no-one in sight. "if he is coming down here he'll turn on the lights," i reassured myself. i can jerk awake pretty quickly to bright lights and the lumbering sounds of approaching sex offenders, so i let my eyes rest once again.

woosh woosh woOSH WOOSH WOOSH!

"geez. what time is it?" i grabbed my phone to check the time. but for some reason it didn't light up, which was odd because it was fully charged.

i moaned, closed my eyes again, and tried to relax.

WOOSH WOOSH WOOSH WOOSH!

"i must be imagining it. he's not down here. but still...i know i'm not dreaming." maybe i just needed something to snap me back to reality. i bit my lip. "ah! that's it." i thought as i felt the pinch of my tooth on my lower lip. but moments later, i realized my mouth was still closed, and my lip didn't hurt. "i imagined that too?!"

woosh woosh!

he came downstairs, but just long enough for me to remind him how late it was. but again, moments later i realized i hadn't even opened my mouth, let alone conversed with anyone. and then i heard what sounded like demon yokels in a heated debate. i had left the TV on, but...

i rolled over to see what the commotion was.

ok. somehow CNN had become a demon news channel.

WOOSH WOOSH WOOSH!

"uhhnnn..." i tried harder to open my mouth, sit up, do anything. again, i noticed that i hadn't even rolled over but was still facing the back of the couch. the TV was still behind me.

"ok. this has to stop NOW." i redoubled my efforts. i felt like i was pushing pushing PUSHING against a wall. at long last i broke through, feeling thoroughly winded.

i sat up. the room was dark and quiet as ever. anderson cooper purred softly from the TV across the room. i was alone.

"fuck me." i thought as i closed my eyes.