another ex just got married. booooo!
i think i'd find it more amusing if i weren't in a weird place emotionally right now. amusing? don't i sound smug.
and was that a bit too leading?—weird place emotionally. i'll have to write about it now, won't i?
==PAUSE==
what's too private to blog about? i volunteer a good deal of personal information, though i think i've been pretty careful about mentioning other people's names. i do it on occasion, but only when i think nobody stands to be harmed by being named.
i've been pretty happy with my level of intimacy in blogging, but lately i've been finding it hard to write. i second guess some things as being "not interesting enough to share", some i think "it'd be pretty obvious who i'd be talking about here...and there's a high probability they'd read this", and everything else has just been too hard to put to words.
but today i'm gonna be a bit more forthcoming. and there's no way that this is not a good idea.
(i think the emotions have taken over)
==UNPAUSE==
i've got the blues. and i have some theories as to why:
1) lack of stability in life for the last month
this one's obvious. no work. 9 days in the states. 5 days in kyoto. 2 days in tokyo. staying over at friends' houses. day trips to nearby cities. being absolutely skint for most of the month. (i think i'm turning english @_@)
2) unrequited love
nobody likes a moaner, so i'll be brief with this one. i'm somewhere between like, love, and major crush with a really good friend of mine. being apart and being together both come with their own brand of emotional trauma.
3) poor diet
maybe this should fall under the "lack of stability" category as well. eating binges, fasting, periodic heavy drinking, random intense caffeine episodes, and a lot of fast food. it's been tapering off, but i think i'm still in the wake of it all.
4) lack of therapy
i haven't seen a therapist since april-ish. and i don't decompress as often as i should.
5) growing feeling of letting myself down
in multiple ways—poor time-management, no progress with my acting ambitions, not keeping in decent contact with friends and family, transition slow-down, not getting any better at japanese...
so which one is it?
silly question. it's all of them together, of course.
and i just got a kick-in-the-groin email that actually had me entertain the idea of cutting off ties with the sender. i doubt i actually will. no, in fact i won't. it's a little embarrassing to admit this, but part of the reason i don't want to get nasty in my response is because i think he'd get self-satisfied if i did. so i'm going to be civil out of spite. somewhat. :-/
my plan for getting out of this ditch (i'm making this up as i go):
• go to bed tonight within 2 hours (so i have until 1:01 am)
• take a shower before that
• have good tunes at the ready
• resume my tofu breakfasts
• start studying/reviewing japanese junior high level kanji
• do some more 101 shit (like the facebook fast?)
• go to the laser clinic
yeah, i gotta pee. so that's all the list we're gonna have.
was i even that brutally honest? just seems like a normal post, looking back at it. oh well :(
3 comments:
Thanks for your post Sami. I'm just sitting down to write you an email. Love, Mom
Be gentle with yourself, Sami! We all have faults that we are working to overcome. Take a deep breath, return to the present moment, and the magnitude of those faults seem to shrink a bit.
Yeah, I let myself down all the time. I think I'll promise myself to get certain things done tomorrow.
Ooh! I hate it when I want to blog something so bad, but don't want to name names, but it's hard to blog about anything else until I get it out of my system. Sometimes I just save stuff to draft, then I feel like I did it, but I didn't actually put it out there.
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