why the face?

there are a lot of things going right in my life—fun job, acting prospects on the rise, living in a cool city, making new friends, etc.

and yet, i make this face daily:

i haven't gotten sick of japan. i'm not stressed. i'm not lonely. i don't have hemorrhoids. i'm in good health.

it's something else.

an auto-immune response to extreme laziness. and possible relationship issues. that's my current theory anyway.

but let's not focus on the bad!

let's talk acting. it's been almost two years since my last production. but that's all about to change. i've made some good contacts in the local film scene, i think i just got cast in a new musical (can't be too sure—i had a few drinks that night), and i'm auditioning for a community theatre production at the end of the month.

in other positive news, i'm going to a local transgender support group meeting this weekend. i've started seeing a doctor here in town—and i'm loving that the clinic is only 20 minutes away (as opposed to the 3 hour train ride to tokyo i had before). and i like the new doctor better.

but there is a downside: he switched me from pills to injections—and i HATE needles (see above "ohhh gawd!" face). guess i'll just have to deal. :P

how it was back then

it's official. i now live downtown. it may just be the downtown of a depressing industrial town, but at least i'm now near the train station, all the shops, and all the bars.

as i was unpacking i opened up an old journal from my freshman year of college. it was so weird looking back at my 19 year old self. i forgot how angsty, horny, and mormon (no offense) i was. at that time, i really thought i knew what love was, and i believed that some people were meant to be together. i also apparently used to hate my dad (2004 was a tough year for our relationship).

that was me 8 years ago. still, it didn't feel as though i was reading about myself. it felt like some entirely different person. nevermind a different chapter in the book of my life—that had to be a different book altogether.

maybe it's not that weird. i wasn't out as trans back then, and as a mormon my outlook on life was radically different. 8 game-changing years.

anyone had a similar experience? how have you felt when you picked up your old journal?

three thirteen

i've recently started getting into podcasts, which is great because i have a 30-minute walking commute.

thus far, i've listened to "trans-ponder" (a podcast by two trans-women who discuss transgender issues) and "this american life" (a public radio news show that focuses on a different theme each episode). here, check 'em out:

• trans-ponder
• this american life

i'm testing out a few others, but i'll hold off on naming them now in case i lose interest by episode 2.

i had been feeling a bit isolated and cut off from the outside world (beyond the bubble of this city)—i don't have any trans friends here, and only one good friend who's american.

but now i feel a little more grounded. (^-^) thanks, podcasts!


i have an appointment to see a doctor (transgender specialist) in about 3 1/2 weeks. i'm a little nervous that i'll have to start from square one, since we're talking new country new doctor. :-/

maybe i should translate my letters from my last therapist into japanese...

i've been thinking a bit lately about transition and where i am at the moment. i'm mostly in boy-mode / androgynous-mode, all the while taking hormones and taking care of permanent facial hair removal.

i think people get a weird impression of me. quite a few people have assumed (or at least questioned) that i'm gay. i don't imagine people would think i'm trans, without my telling them.

does it bother me? not really. just an observation (^o^)

i bet things will just slowly shift from "he's gay...?" to "she's a he...?" and maybe ultimately to "she's a lesbian...?"

or maybe not. don't know if i'm that butch.

リンゴ酢 yo

i'm not sure how i forgot to mention this, but my head is all better!

so how did i do it? behold!

apple cider vinegar.

yup. 1 part water, 1 part acv. used it like shampoo. two weeks later, my head was good as new.

i learned some interesting facts along the way.

1. vinegar burns your eyes. i would have guessed as much, but now i know.
   
2. vinegar stings on open wounds and freshly shaven skin. i wasn't sure about sunburns, but i decided against testing it out last week after i got bright pink from a day of snowboarding.
3. vinegar odors dissipate quickly. i usually stop smelling like a salad about an hour after showering.

i'm still using it maybe once a week—just to keep the problem from recurring.

in other news, naruto:

life

here we go—the second post i've been meaning to write.

on valentine's day i went out with some friends for dinner to an awesome ramen place here in hitachi. i gave them their valentine's chocolates (see previous post) as we were just finishing up our bowls.

my phone vibrated—it was a facebook notification. it was a wall post from a friend back in america. i hadn't heard from him in a long while, so i was anxious to see what was up.

he posted a link whose caption read: "Melissa Joy Dietzel: Decomposing body of woman found 30ft up tree in Sydney is missing US tourist".

what.

the.

hell.

???????????

melissa WROTE the article? no...melissa IS the decomposing body?

it's a joke. he posted some sick joke on my wall.

he's said some pretty mean things about her before. but...really?

load. load. FUCKING LOAD!

"Was it suicide?...decomposing body of a young woman...the remains of Melissa Joy Dietzel, 22, of Redlands, California, were found by a tree surgeon..."

---------------------------

ramen ended awkwardly. i don't think my friends knew what to say. i didn't know what to say.

when i got home i poured over every article i could get my hands on. i read all the posts on her wall back to when she was last heard from in november.

but what was i to her? what was she to me? i didn't even know that she had been missing!

we hadn't spoken in quite a few months. we last hung out a few weeks before i moved to japan last april.

when did i first meet melissa? was it 2009?

i remember it was the fourth of july. swappo met her at smith's or a 7-11 or something and invited her to hang out with us.

we hung out a lot that summer. must've been 2010 (i was in japan in the summer of 2009). really? i'd only known her for a year and a half?

was it really a suicide? there must have been some sort of foul play. she wouldn't have taken her own life!

she was so chill. down to earth. upbeat. people like HER don't just call it quits.

---------------------------

my thoughts were all over the place.

i know somewhere, someone has written down the stages of grief.

i don't really care to look up what they are, but here's what i felt:

"shock" --> "denial" --> "bizarro" --> "sad" --> "bittersweet" --> "sad (again)" --> "wait, did something happen?" --> "reflective" --> "distracted" --> "anxious to blog"

---------------------------

i'm sorry i just vomited all over you, but i needed to get it out.

life gives us lessons, and death does too. it may be a futile hope, but i want to keep this feeling—that life is too short to be mean or petty. you just gotta love.

---------------------------

hope i can be as rad as you someday. you are and will be missed.

the colour and the shape of 2012

it's never too early to make new year's resolutions. but because nobody ever actually accomplishes the so-named resolutions, i think a name change is in order.

i'm hereby renaming my new year's resolutions "the forecast".

so here's the forecast:

1) i'm going to inquire at an american consulate about legal name changes.

looking back, it all probably would've been a lot less headache had i changed my name before leaving the country. (>_<) let's see if we can make it happen from overseas.

2) my scalp is going to be happy again.

if my current strategies don't produce results i'm going to find a new dermatologist—one who actually has time to listen.

3) i will finally contact/consult a japanese gender specialist doctor

i've had the contact info of a highly recommended guy for a while now. i have no excuse.

4) my 101 list will get revamped.

some items have been made obsolete. others i've lost interest in. with the gusto of a new year, 101 in 1001 will live again (and you'll see updates, too!)

5) i am going to take and pass N1 (japanese language proficiency test - 日本語能力試験).

i was going to take it in secret a few weeks ago, but i was feeling a bit ill and chickened out that day. either way i wouldn't have passed—i just wanted to see what the test was like to get an idea of how much more i'd have to know to pass it. i missed that chance to preview it, but i intend to obliterate the test. that's how awesome i intend to become. (note that "the forecast" only includes #5 itself. all the commentary afterwards is just me rambling.)

6) i will audition for something!

seriously. i can't be forgettin' my dreams now, ya know?


i'll possibly have some more things to add to the forecast later. but this is an ok start.

what you didn't want to know about my head...

the battle for my scalp just got serious.

i wanted to grow out my hair (it was coming along so nicely!). but for the sake of a healthy head (that actually has some hair left on it), i had to cut it.

ever since late may (about 1 month after i moved to japan), i've had three huge, lingering, and terribly itchy scabs on my scalp. one's front and center, and the other two are on either side slightly above and behind the ears.

this also happened both times i came to japan previously, but then cleared up after i went back to america.

so i thought—maybe it's a problem with japanese shampoo? or something in the environment?

with that hope, i determined to bear my affliction until august, when i'd be in america for a few days and could get my hands on some safe shampoo.

all the while it got bigger and itchier, and more hair found its way to shower drain.

then at last i had the promised shampoo!—$1-suave from walmart.

but nothing changed. i wouldn't say it got worse after switching shampoos, but the leprosy has just run its course a little more, and yet more hair has ended up in my drain.

***grotesque picture interlude***

so i cut my hair, and lo and behold there was irritated, hairless skin underneath!

here is the hair i cut from that region of my head. THIS WAS HANGING OFF MY HEAD. it's as though my scalp melted and re-solidified with all my hair held captive, and then slowly peeled away from my head leaving me with thoroughly uncombable and entirely disgusting hair.

***back to the narrative***

so i bit the bullet and went to see a dermatologist. after the slightest of glances, he prescribed me some sort of topical lotion. i was dubious, but had no other options, finding most google searches on the issue completely useless.

but i had a problem. lots of out-of-control semi-long curly hair, a large area of scalp to cover, and only a 10ml bottle of lotion? i tried. the areas that i could get did feel a little better, but it was just too hard to see/feel where i was putting it.

so i struggled with the decision to cut my hair. now that i have a four day weekend, i decided to do it, hoping that my now naked head can heal up before i have to go back to work.

but given the picture above, i don't think my head will look entirely normal for a little while. (ToT)

if the lotion doesn't work, i just stumbled across something that suggests this might be fungal—in which case using a apple cider vinegar + peroxide combo is supposedly quite effective.

hope my hair comes back.

fall cleaning

today is going to be a day of cleaning.

that means, of course, i'll be cleaning my room. but more than that, i'm going to do some cleaning of my whole life.

and i'm going to drink a lot of water.

(just so you don't get the wrong idea: cleaning my life doesn't mean i'll be doing some sort of moral reevaluation. it means getting rid of baggage—cleaning out the problems of my heart. i no have major qualms with my sense of morality.)

and since i'm writing this post at the start of my cleaning, that means i'll be doing some heart cleaning first. feel free to skip this section because chances are you won't understand it.

==heart cleaning==

i can't do it anymore. it's done. i'm not going to keep loving you—and in the process re-break my own heart every week. and that means i'm going to have to keep some distance.

it may seem weird to save a friendship by pulling away, but i don't know what else to do. i have to detach.

i've wondered if i just need to find someone else to be interested in. i don't think my heart works that way though. and i don't feel like i even have the energy to try.

i'm not going to slip. i need to be firm. i'm not going to let myself fall into my old habits of "what if..." and "if only...".

再见.

==house cleaning==

first the clutter. and dishes (only a cup, a plate, and a few knives—not that bad, eh?). and.............done

well that only took a few hours (distractions included). (>_<)

there'll be some re-cleaning to do after dinner, but the main job is done. the last main thing i need to do is sweeping. it's been a while, so i'm expecting a few kilos of dust/debris.

i'll conclude there. "i'm about to eat dinner and sweep my floor" isn't much of a cliff-hanger, so i don't feel in the least bit bad about cutting this one off.

until next time (^-^)\

GO-ゆっくり

ゆっくり ("yukkuri") - my new mantra. it's japanese for "slow", "slowly", or "relaxed". i generally think of it as "take it easy" when used this way:

a: what'd you do yesterday?
b: just took it easy. i've been so stressed lately—it was nice to just relax.

about two weeks ago, on my way back from kyoto (details on that) i stopped in tokyo to hang out with a friend for a few days. i was really travel weary and in no mood for shopping, sightseeing, clubbing or any other sort of normal fun city activity. so we just had a yukkuri day.

here's an outline of the day:
• mild sleeping in
• made general plans for the day
• set off at some point
• two-hour lunch (we had myanmar food. sooooo good!)—long for conversation, not over-eating
• stroll around waseda campus and nearby gardens
• 90 minutes of daytime karaoke
• shopping for dinner and ice cream ingredients
• few hours of shiritori (a japanese word game) over dinner
• home made ice cream!
• shower before bed

food is a must for yukkuri-ization. savor it! if you're with company savor the conversation too. good things shouldn't be rushed. strolls are great too. unless you're out for a power-walk, i think most people are very yukkuri with their walks already. enjoy the scenery. drink the air. clear your mind.

don't misunderstand though! yukkuri (according to me, anyway) is not the same as being lazy! if you stay at home all day mindlessly surfing the internet, watching movies, and what-have-you you're not being yukkuri. you're simply not doing anything at all.

yukkuri is doing and enjoying.

yukkuri is letting your day unfold.

yukkuri is living and being there for every moment.

of course, i tend to get a bit silly with it. i'm yukkuri in the bathroom (at least at home i am), and i think my body thanks me for it. i'm yukkuri in going places (as often as i have the luxury to leave early enough). but sometimes that's just my excuse for being slow to get ready, when in reality i'm dawdling.

i don't like rushing and being rushed. yukkuri could be the best thing ever. i just need to learn not to be lazy and procrastinate.

like that'll ever happen. ^0^

untitled - but still subtitled!

another ex just got married. booooo!

i think i'd find it more amusing if i weren't in a weird place emotionally right now. amusing? don't i sound smug.

and was that a bit too leading?—weird place emotionally. i'll have to write about it now, won't i?

==PAUSE==

what's too private to blog about? i volunteer a good deal of personal information, though i think i've been pretty careful about mentioning other people's names. i do it on occasion, but only when i think nobody stands to be harmed by being named.

i've been pretty happy with my level of intimacy in blogging, but lately i've been finding it hard to write. i second guess some things as being "not interesting enough to share", some i think "it'd be pretty obvious who i'd be talking about here...and there's a high probability they'd read this", and everything else has just been too hard to put to words.

but today i'm gonna be a bit more forthcoming. and there's no way that this is not a good idea.

(i think the emotions have taken over)

==UNPAUSE==

i've got the blues. and i have some theories as to why:

1) lack of stability in life for the last month

this one's obvious. no work. 9 days in the states. 5 days in kyoto. 2 days in tokyo. staying over at friends' houses. day trips to nearby cities. being absolutely skint for most of the month. (i think i'm turning english @_@)

2) unrequited love

nobody likes a moaner, so i'll be brief with this one. i'm somewhere between like, love, and major crush with a really good friend of mine. being apart and being together both come with their own brand of emotional trauma.

3) poor diet

maybe this should fall under the "lack of stability" category as well. eating binges, fasting, periodic heavy drinking, random intense caffeine episodes, and a lot of fast food. it's been tapering off, but i think i'm still in the wake of it all.

4) lack of therapy

i haven't seen a therapist since april-ish. and i don't decompress as often as i should.

5) growing feeling of letting myself down

in multiple ways—poor time-management, no progress with my acting ambitions, not keeping in decent contact with friends and family, transition slow-down, not getting any better at japanese...

so which one is it?

silly question. it's all of them together, of course.

and i just got a kick-in-the-groin email that actually had me entertain the idea of cutting off ties with the sender. i doubt i actually will. no, in fact i won't. it's a little embarrassing to admit this, but part of the reason i don't want to get nasty in my response is because i think he'd get self-satisfied if i did. so i'm going to be civil out of spite. somewhat. :-/

my plan for getting out of this ditch (i'm making this up as i go):

• go to bed tonight within 2 hours (so i have until 1:01 am)
• take a shower before that
• have good tunes at the ready
• resume my tofu breakfasts
• start studying/reviewing japanese junior high level kanji
• do some more 101 shit (like the facebook fast?)
• go to the laser clinic

yeah, i gotta pee. so that's all the list we're gonna have.

was i even that brutally honest? just seems like a normal post, looking back at it. oh well :(

an 11-part montage of sami's last five weeks

maybe you've noticed.

maybe you haven't.

i'm a bit behind on my blogging.

but all your patience pays off right now because i have LOTS i want to write about, and OODLES of pictures to show.

so without further ado, i give you...

part 1: size

34-30-39.

i don't know what i was before starting hormones, but if i were to guess, i'd say 32-30-36.

according to wikipedia, the ideal healthy waist to hip ratio for women is 0.7, and for men is 0.9. i'm at 0.77. i can't help but feel a little shapely.

::blush::

part 2: my last attempt at a blog entry

"i'm about to finish an 800g block of gouda. i'm down to the last three slices. ugh, i'm gonna vomit."

to learn more, please check my latest vlog (youtube link on the left, yo)!

part 3: cheese follow-up

while i was back in the states earlier this month, i attempted to eat a 1lb block of kraft sharp cheddar. i finished about 80% of it and had to bail because i needed to get in a kayak and paddle with vigor. if i had continued eating the cheese, i still wouldn't have counted it because it just wouldn't seem like "one sitting".

so yeah. cheese fail #2.

part 4: the mountain behind my house

there's a "mountain" behind my house (yet in front of my front door?)!

so i like to climb it.

from my front door to the gazebo at the top takes about 1 hour at a relaxed, but steady pace.

the really cool thing? five minutes out my front door and i'm in the middle of the woods.

and these woods are pretty cool. made only cooler by weird concrete designs:

and cool highway underpasses:

the main trail from my area splits into multiple trails in the middle of the woods. both trails are super cool (and get super steep near the end). why are they super cool? because you burst out of the woods only to find yourself at the top of one of two hills—both with amazing views. it's really cool to have the sky open like that after a healthy jaunt under a dense canopy.

the gazebo is a great place to just sit and gaze out at the entire city and the ocean. here, take a look (8 shots facing 8 directions, paired in twos for better viewing pleasure):

NE / E:

SE / S:

SW / W:

NW / N:

i love how green japan is!

part 5: kyoto?

yes. i meant for that question mark to be there. why?

exhibit a:

ok, i was actually sober and awake for most of the trip. i did some really fun things including:

• 伏見稲荷大社 "fushimi inari taisha"—a huge shrine with a shit-ton of red gates (2 pictures below)
• walking around 三条 "sanjo"—a covered shopping street
• cycling from kyoto station to 鞍馬 "kurama" to go to an onsen (hot spring)—16 km
• walking around the imperial palace grounds
• general cycling around town
• cosplay karaoke!!! (picture below)

photo evidence of holiday sobriety:

in one of these three pictures i wasn't sober.

any guesses?

(^o^)

part 6: 101 in 1001

right. so i already mentioned the cheese fail.

but the successes?

• i watched the social network, up, little miss sunshine, and crash. movie progess 5/56
• i rode my bike drunk
• i read 星の王子様 ("le petit prince" in japanese). japanese novels 1/5
• i went to 2 new bars (tanya and rising sun—both in hitachi). new bars 2/20
• i sang two david bowie songs at karaoke ("space oddity" and "star man").
• i swallowed a piece of gum as i hiked the mountain behind my house (it's called 助川山 "sukegawa-yama" by the way).

and here are the almosts:

• i may or may not have won a staring contest. i can't rightly remember.
• i made avocado ice cream. oh how easily i could have turned that into a milkshake! if only i had been thinking. it was very delicious and creamy, btw.

part 7: ultimate

i played ultimate frisbee today.

part 8: exploring hitachi

one day i set out on my bike to explore this city i live in. i got sunburned. what a fool.

here are some pics:

look underneath the crane. what do you see? the gazebo on top of my "mountain"!

this pier is visible in the east-view shot from the gazebo.

the coast!

now admittedly, i had been to this pier/beach before. i cut through a lot of unknown neighborhoods on my way though. ready for more? it doesn't matter!

i'm a big fan of undisturbed nature. but this is kinda cool. and this is not the same beach, just so you know.

this is a cliff.

i am now on top of the cliff but a little further south.

unfortunately, the city is too big to adequately explore in one day. i think i'll explore a bit more when it gets cooler.

p.s. the second beach area (the last three pictures) are on the coast just north of hitachi station. google map it!

part 9: rethinking some parts of 101 in 1001

the blog weekly / vlog monthly goals are now impossible having missed over a month of both. so instead, i'll keep the overall goal number the same and have the weekly/monthly thing be a suggestion since it would help keep me on track.

part 10: painful choices

they suck. we don't really choose who we fall for, do we? but what if you fall for a friend? would you risk that friendship to see if it could become something more?

it's nice to be in love for a change (i thought i was becoming an asexual robot!). it is what it is, and willing myself out of it was both incredibly painful and ultimately unsuccessful. fingers crossed that i can enjoy emotional stability while in the throes of a love i may never confess. haha, really?

baka.

part 11: reflection

has this truly been the longest fucking blog post ever?

that i've written? yes.

that i've read? yes.

so in my reality (which you've willingly immersed yourself in) the answer is yes. this is the longest fucking blog post ever. thanks for reading!

summer of sami

summer vacation is almost here!

here are the plans so far:

this coming week:

beach beer party (the last day of school)

izakaya and karaoke (the following night)

other upcoming plans:

mcfly concert in tokyo (next week)

family reunion in northern california (early august)

kyoto trip (in the sweltering august heat)

i've made some decent progress with my 101. here are the details since the last update:

3- blog weekly (4/144)

4- vlog monthly (1/34)

40- drink beer in a bowling alley (done)

41- watch "buffy the vampire slayer" in its entirety (seasons 1/7)

55- buy an area rug (done)

my area rug is totally awesome. i luvs it. ^o^

pics next time, perhaps?

"give me a second to write the damn title!"

i've always been weird.

throughout middle school and high school i wore shorts everyday to school. even in the coldest winter's chill. that sort of thing doesn't exactly go unnoticed, so to a lot of people i was "that shorts kid".

to this day i don't know why i did it. i had all sorts of reasons i'd give people at the time. "shorts are more comfortable," or "i don't really get cold," were the most common, perhaps. and there was some truth to both of those things, but that doesn't explain why i'd wear shorts in 0ºF weather—because i remember being very cold on those days.

over the last few years (5 or so?) i've been slowly letting go of my need to know why for a lot of things. "why am i transgender?" was the first big why-question i let go. thinking back on the shorts, though, knowing why wouldn't change much for me. i'm a very different person now than i was at age 12 (or 18). sure, there are probably things i could learn about myself if i could go back in time and psychoanalyze the younger me. but in trying to reflect on the whys of yore, i'd essentially be grasping at a shadow—and most of what i'd find would be invented by my brain as it unconsciously fills in the memory gaps.

 + + my friends keep telling me i think too much. well, the exact quote is "you overanalyze things too much." maybe there's some truth to that ^o^ + +

i'm not going to obsess over "why the shorts?" but the whole reason i started typing this was because just a moment ago i remembered how i did it.

i read lois lowry's the giver at some point toward the end of elementary school. and from then on whenever i got cold, i'd copy what jonas did to keep the baby warm. he transferred/shared memories of sunshine, warm places, etc. and those thoughts kept them both alive in their trek at the end of the book. it worked for me too. i would think of the beach—the hot sand, the warm breeze, the south carolina sun. i'd stop shivering and the goose bumps would go away.

it's so hot and humid at the moment, that i was thinking i ought to try using the reverse technique to help myself cool down. then my thoughts unfolded more or less as follows: "the giver...the giver...shorts! i used the giver to stay warm! what a weird memory. blog time!"

my 101 in 1001

thanks to my friend sara, i've been inspired to create a list of 101 things i want to accomplish in the next 1001 days. i'm officially starting today (june 24, 2011), which means i will finish by march 20, 2014 at 11:59:59 pm.

be forewarned, a number of the items on my list might be considered tmi ("too much information" for the layperson). here we go:

1- visit china

2- be vegetarian for 30 days (again)

3- blog weekly (0/144)

4- vlog monthly (0/34)

5- learn to play 10 new songs on the bass (0/10)

6- do the splits (front-ways)

7- do a street performance (dance or music)

8- read 50 books (0/50)

9- get rid of all my facial hair

10- translate and subtitle a japanese drama series

11- write and direct a movie

12- host a dinner party at my house (3+ guests)

13- learn how to make 10 classic drinks (0/10)

14- read 5 japanese novels (0/5)

15- record an album

16- visit australia

17- go inside a pachinko parlor

18- write a letter by hand

19- wax my legs

20- bike to mito

21- learn 5 new recipes for every meal (0/15)

22- read the qur'an

23- appear on japanese tv

24- amass a savings of 1,000,000 yen (approx. $12,000)

25- take a yoga class

26- start/join a band

27- be "out" at work

28- bring a sketchbook to the zoo and draw animals

29- memorize the lyrics to 20 japanese songs (0/20)

30- engage in a gyoza-eating competition

31- pass jlpt level 1

32- legally change my name

33- take one picture a day for 30 days in a row

34- make an animated short

35- learn 15 pop dance routines (0/15)

36- find and meet with a therapist

37- visit shikoku

38- visit okinawa

39- make my own kimchi

40- drink beer in a bowling alley

41- watch "buffy the vampire slayer" in its entirety

42- NaNoWriMo

43- learn the prefectures and capitals of japan

44- do an all-day photo shoot

45- take in a bath in something aside from water

46- develop my own series of english, japanese, and chinese lessons

47- make a friend online and meet them in real life

48- literally meet someone for a cup of coffee

49- convince a friend to visit me in japan

50- buy an apron

51- have a sleepover at my house (2+ guests)

52- go to and use the public library

53- go to 20 new bars (0/20)

54- memorize 10 monologues in english and japanese (0/20)

55- buy an area rug

56- memorize the names and numbers of the first 151 pokemon in japanese

57- make a snow angel

58- survive a summer without turning on my ac

59- write a comedy routine

60- wear sunglasses at night

61- experience love

62- do a scavenger hunt

63- learn to play the ocarina

64- draw/write a graphic novel

65- buy something just to smash it

66- eat an entire meal upside down

67- draw my self portrait with crayons

68- sleep in the storage closet under my bed

69- decide what kanji i would use to represent my name

70- organize an enkai

71- get a part time job completely unrelated to teaching

72- dress as dr. girlfriend for halloween or some other costumed occasion

73- make an avocado milkshake

74- find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie-pop

75- get rid of the boys (like you cared to know?)

76- eat a block of cheese in one sitting

77- play hide and seek with people my age

78- watch the best picture winners/nominees from 1996-2010 (0/56)

79- sing a david bowie song at karaoke

80- be homeless for a week

81- go 30 days without facebook

82- go 12 days without the internet

83- design the floor plan of my dream house

84- swallow a piece of gum

85- develop the habit of brushing and flossing daily

86- write a ransom note using letters/words cut out from magazines

87- roll down a grassy hill

88- be someone's slave for a day

89- write 70 poems (0/70)

90- fly a kite

91- win a staring contest

92- visit south korea

93- learn how to sew

94- pick up a chicken

95- make a savory vegetarian sandwich with at least 5 ingredients

96- give a high five to each of the following: a policeman, a cook, and a store clerk

97- eat fresh wasabi root

98- ride my bike while completely drunk

99- swim a mile

100- volunteer

101- lose my virginity to someone i care about

gyaku-nanpa!

first, some business.

• i found a soda that i immensely enjoy: pepsi dry. it has about 1/5 the sugar of regular pepsi and no artificial sweeteners—making for a crisp, subtle cola.

• i went to a club a few cities south of here, discovering i don't need to go all the way to tokyo to boogie.
• i just finished watching the drama 「ママは昔パパだった」 ("Mom Used to Be Dad"). once the torrents finish (i had to watch most of it on tudou) i'll add english subtitles and distribute to those interested.

the way i've set this up, the above was business, which would make the following pleasure? personal? i'll go with personal because it reminds me of the godfather.

this is more or less a public record, so i feel a little weird about saying this here, but i don't like someone. and i'm pretty sure the feeling isn't at all mutual. we have similar interests, hobbies, and what-have-you. we also are in similar living situations. i just can't like someone with such a icky heart.

to be a little less vague—this is someone who sees women as objects for the taking (and as "things" that he is entitled to), and other men (even friends) as potential obstacles. maybe i've been sheltered, and this is actually more common than i thought.

so why am i getting all riled up about some chauvinistic acquaintance? i suppose because it's personal (i knew the godfather choice would make sense!). both the girl in question and her actual love interest are friends of mine. i think it'd bother me regardless—this just makes it more unsettling.

new topic. something less upsetting.

i got proposed to on monday. by this girl:

whenever i see her, she's usually staring at me, drooling, and mumbling to herself things like 「超かっこいい」. then out of nowhere she asked me to marry her. i said "yes" of course, but i did tell her it might be logistically difficult, my being twice her age and her teacher.

and you thought my blog was slowly dying!

random bullet-point-post!

• i was recently informed that the correct way to pronounce david bowie's last name is BOW-ee (as in "people bow in japan" not "bow and arrow"). i trust the informers because they're british.

• new 5 minute long vlog tour of my apartment in japan. youtube link on the left.

• showing up to an enkai (japanese dinner/drinking party) uninvited is awkward.

• i've only been here a month, but utah feels like it was ages ago.

• being a foreigner in japan is in many ways similar to being a non-mormon in utah. maybe i just don't like to fit in?

• maintaining two identities is annoying. i'm wondering if i can get away with having everyone call me sami, even at work...

• a proper meal!

• i want to learn how to shop for groceries correctly. i tend to buy whatever, and if it's fresh it goes bad before i can remember to eat it (tofu excluded).

• roundtrip flights to most places in the u.s. are around $3000 this summer. i don't think i'll be making it back for a visit anytime soon.

• i had this wonderful unwritten list of things i wanted to start doing everyday, but then i never got in the habit of doing any of them. they are: stretching to improve flexibility, studying japanese, practicing good hygiene, working on a more female voice, and reading for pleasure.

• the flaming lips.

• i'm trying to learn how to think in metric. the only one i've managed so far is kilometers (1k = a 10 minute walk).

• that might have been a lie. i think i've got a system for celsius too (below 5 = cold, 5-15 = chilly, 15-25 = warm, above 25 = hot).

• tranny party in tokyo next week! i'm so there!

• i've officially started up beer club here. thus far i've been the only one in attendance, but i have faith that i'll find some lovers of good beer soon.

• the espresso stout:

• teaching english is fun, but teaching japanese is more fun!

visual aid

it's not all unicorns and rainbows.

here is a chart to illustrate the above point:

though rainbows and unicorns win a clear majority, my life is at least 19% anger and sadness, and the remaining 9% is kafkaesque.

but lately, with the impending move it's felt more like 33-33-33. i'm saying goodbye to family, friends, stability, the familiar, convenience. but i'm about to welcome independence, new friends, adventure, my future.

am i entering adulthood finally? or will this be a sort of second childhood? (i'm leaning toward the second. being mature is stupid :P)

transition has felt very much on hold lately. electrolysis is moving forward quite well (my cheeks is gettin oh so smoove!), but it keeps me from shaving most of the week. beyond that though, i'm worried about going to japan and not having an in-person support network. i was hired as a man, and so for the time being that's how i'll appear in professional contexts. i'm hoping the company has a somewhat favorable attitude toward LGBT—i'll have to talk to HR once i'm there.

of course there's still plenty of things i can do without going en femme full time. i need to find a therapist and hormone doc once i'm settled in japan. i think there is a electrolysis clinic near to where i'll live. i'd like to work on speaking with a more feminine-sounding voice—meaning i need to practice at home. i need to get better at doing my makeup too, since without outside help i often give myself zombie eyes ^o^

it feels like a setback, given the momentum i had back in january, but i gotta remember that i can't do everything at once. one step at a time.

i've almost gotten rid of all my random junk i've been trying to push on everyone. seeing the dentist tomorrow. my to do list is slowly shrinking. i think i'm moving for real.

toss the ramen, save the friendship

my roommate lives off of beer, whiskey, and ramen. i wish i were exaggerating. he's pretty good about drinking his beers to the last drop, and he can be counted on to take care of other people's wounded soldiers. he'll suck whiskey bottles dry. but after he eats ramen, food remains. i don't mean to say he habitually wastes half of the ramen he cooks. no—he makes double recipes but only uses one flavor packet.

me? i don't like letting food go to waste. so i've been picking up these packets he leaves behind. i think, "i could use them in stir-fry, rice porridge, as a soup base..." and i have. there's just one big problem: he eats one or more double recipes a day. so they've been piling up.

this represents the difference between how fast he produces leftover packets and how fast i can use them. at least for the first few months.

though i stopped collecting new ones (except to replace ones i use—which has kept the total static for a while), i've held on to these flavor packets all this time. that changes today.

i've realized that i hold on to a lot more than just flavor packets in this relationship. i hold on to debts, the times i've felt cheated, the hope that i can change him—none of which are healthy. so i'm going to throw out those ramen seasoning packets. i'm going to forget that all of my beer disappeared while i was at work last night. no, really! the only way this friendship can live is if i let the past go, start fresh, and don't try to make my friend into something he's not, nor expect him to become that way on his own.

i should stop being a doormat, you say? i shouldn't let people take advantage of me? well, i don't have to. and i don't plan to. i can get mad about his stealing shit from me—i just can't hold on to the rage or resentment that usually go along with it. believe me, i have some strong words for him about my 5 hand-picked-from-the-liquor-store beers (not having a car, i can't really get to the liquor store very often).

time to be more assertive!

from there to here

flash back: 2 1/2 years ago. after an emotionally difficult summer, i decided to try to accept myself as being transgender—at least intellectually and emotionally. i felt that i shouldn't need to transition, and as long as i didn't ignore my gender dysphoria i'd find a way to cope. i explained this to others as being a "faith-motivated decision". in other words, my being mormon (and mormonism doesn't blend well with transsexualism), or my desire to "do what god wanted me to do" kept me from transitioning.

in retrospect, it seems there was more to it. a year later i left the church (maybe this deserves it's own in-depth post?). but it was still another year before i decided to begin transitioning. if religion were the only thing holding me back, why the year-long wait?

the bigger issue was fear, naturally. i worried "what if i never pass as a female?" "will people think i'm a fake if i don't act girly enough?" "who would want to date me?" "what if i get assaulted, raped, or killed because of this?" "will my family be cool with it?" "will my friends?" "will i be able to get a job?" "will i be able to adopt children?" "what if i'm not as 100% girl as i think i am?"

oddly enough, i never had the specific fear "will god punish me?". i knew that transitioning could very likely mean being kicked out of the mormon church (or at least being made a second-class citizen within the church). maybe final judgment was just too obscure a concept for me. *shrug*

last year i started therapy and began working through my fears. a lot of them slowly melted away, and once my confidence reached critical mass it exploded—i came out on facebook, changed my name, started hormones & electrolysis, and began presenting as female on a part-time basis.

i do still have fears—the most crippling being my fear of looking...silly. but to hell with it! here's a picture of me from last weekend in a dress for the first time since coming out:

life is change. i'd rather enjoy it than fight it. ^-^

spoke too soon

a few hours after my last post i got a phone call from my future manager with a few more job details:

while i don't have a specific date yet for moving, i've been told that it'll likely be early april. also, i was a few cities off. i'll be in hitachinaka, which is two towns south of hitachi. it's about 2/3 the population of hitachi but twice as dense.

and because i'm moving pretty soon, i'm going to have a free yard sale sometime in the next month. i'll make a page with pictures and descriptions of all items and put it on the left side bar.