i've always hated the idea of public prayer. one person communicating with god vocally, representing everyone in the room? no, you don't represent me. and i doubt my honest prayer would represent you.
yesterday, i had a rather ugly experience with praying in public. the director and most of the cast of romeo & juliet are mormon (i'm one of two who aren't), so it's not that weird that we have cast prayer before each show. usually, someone will volunteer to say the prayer, though on occasion the director will ask a specific person to pray. last night, the director caught me off guard. she asked me to pray. really, me? don't you remember the time i drank champagne in front of you? don't you remember the conversation we had about how i'm a chameleon living among mormons?
i have no idea what was going through her head. maybe she was trying to give an outsider a chance to pray with the group in his own way. maybe she was trying to spur a lost soul back onto the path of redemption. maybe she just wasn't thinking at all.
the worst part of all: i said yes. "oh shit," i thought. "how do i even say a prayer that i'm comfortable with?" immediately and unintentionally i fell back into familiar patterns of prayer. and at "amen" i felt thoroughly disgusted. i couldn't even stand up for myself? i couldn't have said "no, thank you"? i couldn't have prayed in a way that felt true to my own beliefs? apparently not. i have been too well trained to pray for others' ears.
in my mind, prayer is (or should be) communication. the "god" i feel is everywhere—in everything. how the hell do i turn meditation into a 30-second public speech? shitty. next time i'm politely refusing. it's decided.
my past, you win this round. but i won't lie down so easily next time.
3 comments:
I remember this. At the time I didn't know you anywhere near as well as I do now. I think at this point I didn't fully know your self image and identity. I also was surprised she asked, even a little upset? (But, to be honest, not SUPER upset, I was probably too knocked off guard or focused on the show). She usually does things without thinking... Not to say she's not smart, but if she thinks she is doing something for the benefit of someone, somthing, or (most especially) herself, she'll do it.
I have to be honest though. It was refreshing to see and hear you pray. I understand that you didn't want to. I know you didn't believe what you said. I guess I'm just glad it happened because I care about you, and it was really the first time I saw/heard you do anything remotely religious or having anything to do with a belief system or higher power or anything really. I agree, you should always stand up for your beliefs. I'm so happy that you said no, and even more so, respectfully when you were asked to pray for the next show, the one you stage managed.
I guess to sum up (and to make sure I'm not sounding like an idiot, basically covering my bases), I respect your beliefs, I try to respect all beliefs. You didn't want to pray, and I'm sorry for your experience. But I am glad because it was the first time I got to see you in that light. And because I knew you better than most, I also knew how you felt at the time (but probably not to the true extent).
P.S.
Knowing the director, I think it was the latter of your two thought processes. But that's just me.
P.P.S.
This is Bryan.
thanks for stopping by!
you know if you want to see my spiritual you just have to ask :) or you could just go hiking with me sometime. nature brings it out of me.
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