life

here we go—the second post i've been meaning to write.

on valentine's day i went out with some friends for dinner to an awesome ramen place here in hitachi. i gave them their valentine's chocolates (see previous post) as we were just finishing up our bowls.

my phone vibrated—it was a facebook notification. it was a wall post from a friend back in america. i hadn't heard from him in a long while, so i was anxious to see what was up.

he posted a link whose caption read: "Melissa Joy Dietzel: Decomposing body of woman found 30ft up tree in Sydney is missing US tourist".

what.

the.

hell.

???????????

melissa WROTE the article? no...melissa IS the decomposing body?

it's a joke. he posted some sick joke on my wall.

he's said some pretty mean things about her before. but...really?

load. load. FUCKING LOAD!

"Was it suicide?...decomposing body of a young woman...the remains of Melissa Joy Dietzel, 22, of Redlands, California, were found by a tree surgeon..."

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ramen ended awkwardly. i don't think my friends knew what to say. i didn't know what to say.

when i got home i poured over every article i could get my hands on. i read all the posts on her wall back to when she was last heard from in november.

but what was i to her? what was she to me? i didn't even know that she had been missing!

we hadn't spoken in quite a few months. we last hung out a few weeks before i moved to japan last april.

when did i first meet melissa? was it 2009?

i remember it was the fourth of july. swappo met her at smith's or a 7-11 or something and invited her to hang out with us.

we hung out a lot that summer. must've been 2010 (i was in japan in the summer of 2009). really? i'd only known her for a year and a half?

was it really a suicide? there must have been some sort of foul play. she wouldn't have taken her own life!

she was so chill. down to earth. upbeat. people like HER don't just call it quits.

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my thoughts were all over the place.

i know somewhere, someone has written down the stages of grief.

i don't really care to look up what they are, but here's what i felt:

"shock" --> "denial" --> "bizarro" --> "sad" --> "bittersweet" --> "sad (again)" --> "wait, did something happen?" --> "reflective" --> "distracted" --> "anxious to blog"

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i'm sorry i just vomited all over you, but i needed to get it out.

life gives us lessons, and death does too. it may be a futile hope, but i want to keep this feeling—that life is too short to be mean or petty. you just gotta love.

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hope i can be as rad as you someday. you are and will be missed.

in the bierit of things

about 2 weeks ago something weird happened. i was concerned that i might get fired and/or deported. but that wasn't the weird thing.

i sat alone in a hotel room in an unfamiliar city. i had no internet and no (usable) phone. and in my aloneness (and perhaps loneliness as well) as i was contemplating worst case scenarios, this weird thing happened.

"SAY IT ALREADY!"

hold your horses. this weird thing, well, i feel like it gives a good insight into my spirituality—or my sense of connection with things. so i'd like to, if i may, back up just a little bit to take a look at how my ideas and beliefs came to be where they are today.

but before i even digress, i'd like to bid a simple farewell to my phone of 4 years.

lychee, you will be missed.

speaking of phone names (most of my devices have fruit names), i still need to name my new AWESOME phone:

lucy! ok, now that we've settled that, maybe we can get back to my original tangent.

truthfully, my spiritual life began well before i left mormonism, but i had a pretty narrow view of things, which didn't make for very rapid growth. so for convenience's sake—and to not make this another "why i'm not mormon anymore" post—let's start with late fall of 2009.

i was a bit aimless at the time (being between belief systems—you know how it is), but i learned a great lesson: beer.

yes, beer. i learned that i didn't have to judge people anymore. i didn't have to put myself on some moral high ground. what do breaking the ice, reconciling differences, and making memories have in common? they all start with beer.

"come on in! grab yourself a beer from the fridge."

i know to some i'll sound like an alcoholic. so for those of you who don't get what i'm talking about, let me put it in other terms.

i'm just going to assume you like ice cream (everyone does, right?). let's say your parents raised you on a no-refined-sugar diet. you hear all the other kids talking about ice cream. you probably even see them eating it. it looks like they're having fun. but as you remember your parents warning ("if you eat ice cream you will get fat, you will get diabetes, and YOU WILL DIE!") you reassure yourself that you're better off. and besides the health risks, ice cream is just plain immoral. it leads people to do bad things—there's a definite correlation between ice cream consumption and crime rates.

and armed with your science and your sense of morality you turn your nose up at the other kids. perhaps you don't want to feel isolated so you tone it down in front of them. "oh yeah, well i don't do ice cream, but if you guys want to do it that's cool, i guess." or maybe you lay it on a bit thicker, "oh yeah, it looks good and all. i just don't want to become a fat-ass."

and then some friend of yours has a whole gallon of chocolate, and starts puking all over the place. you even hold their hair for them while that melted pancreatic blast comes shooting out of their mouth.

"i've made the right decision. i'm not like one of them," you say. and i suppose you aren't. you inevitably split ways after high school, because they're going on to experience life, and you're going elsewhere to celebrate the fact that you don't have one. because really, is a life without ice cream even a life at all?

but as you age you slowly begin to question those immutable facts you held dear for so many years. and then when you're at your weakest, an old friend offers you a scoop of moose tracks.

nothing could have prepared you for this. it's so fucking good you can't handle it. you swear off the strong stuff and dabble around in vanilla for a little while. and you start to go out again and meet people. you go to baskin robbins and ben & jerry's. you start to see people as your equals—not as malcreants. and life is sweet.

so it is with beer. sure you could overdo it or be irresponsible. but you can also do that with prescription drugs, ice cream, shopping, and the beatles.

and when (or if?) you develop your own palate for beer, you may get excited over something like this:

i finally found decent beer in japan! i have a pale ale, an amber, and an espresso stout in my fridge that i'm dying to try (though i'm not thrilled with the price: ~$5/bottle).

back to spirituality. beer helped me begin to see all people as my equals, and not as poor lost souls that i needed to help. and that's not because i became a scum-of-the-earth drunkard. rather, it's because i tore down the wall of moral superiority. and it felt (and feels) great.

and this post is already so long that i might as well get back to the weird thing without going through the rest of my spiritual journey.

i let japan go.

yes, you heard me right. i came to peace with the fact that i don't have total control over my future. and whether or not japan's in my future, i'm ready for it.

i suppose it took the threat of losing my visa and getting kicked out of the country to finally have a healthy outlook on career and life goals. but i'm ok with that.

oh, and i'm not getting fired or deported or anything like that. yet. or that i'm aware of.

i mean, there's no need for alarm. i'm in a stable work and living situation, and there's no reason to assume or predict that anything like that would happen now.

so let's just let it go, ok?

from there to here

flash back: 2 1/2 years ago. after an emotionally difficult summer, i decided to try to accept myself as being transgender—at least intellectually and emotionally. i felt that i shouldn't need to transition, and as long as i didn't ignore my gender dysphoria i'd find a way to cope. i explained this to others as being a "faith-motivated decision". in other words, my being mormon (and mormonism doesn't blend well with transsexualism), or my desire to "do what god wanted me to do" kept me from transitioning.

in retrospect, it seems there was more to it. a year later i left the church (maybe this deserves it's own in-depth post?). but it was still another year before i decided to begin transitioning. if religion were the only thing holding me back, why the year-long wait?

the bigger issue was fear, naturally. i worried "what if i never pass as a female?" "will people think i'm a fake if i don't act girly enough?" "who would want to date me?" "what if i get assaulted, raped, or killed because of this?" "will my family be cool with it?" "will my friends?" "will i be able to get a job?" "will i be able to adopt children?" "what if i'm not as 100% girl as i think i am?"

oddly enough, i never had the specific fear "will god punish me?". i knew that transitioning could very likely mean being kicked out of the mormon church (or at least being made a second-class citizen within the church). maybe final judgment was just too obscure a concept for me. *shrug*

last year i started therapy and began working through my fears. a lot of them slowly melted away, and once my confidence reached critical mass it exploded—i came out on facebook, changed my name, started hormones & electrolysis, and began presenting as female on a part-time basis.

i do still have fears—the most crippling being my fear of looking...silly. but to hell with it! here's a picture of me from last weekend in a dress for the first time since coming out:

life is change. i'd rather enjoy it than fight it. ^-^

my gay rant

as i was walking home from work today i did some thinking. on sexuality.

i grew up in a culture that views homosexuality as immoral. and it follows that if something is immoral, it stems from a personal *wrong* choice. like the following examples:

murder? immoral. manslaughter? unfortunate, but not immoral.
stealing? immoral. mistaking someone else's bag for yours at the airport? not immoral.

i'm thinking that if everyone recognized that homosexuality is NOT a choice they'd have a hard time seeing it as immoral—assuming they believe in a just god.

sure, there's the argument that homosexual attraction isn't immoral, while homosexual behavior is. in which case, behavior is the choice, and the attraction is beyond one's control.

so, even though a healthy intimate relationship is considered to be one of humanity's greatest sources of happiness, it's immoral to strive for that if you're gay?

no one should have to hide who they are and how they feel from their partner/spouse. a gay man marrying a straight woman IS NOT his best chance for happiness.

homosexuality isn't immoral. gay people aren't ruining marriage.

why this tirade? well, i've been thinking about my own sexuality a lot. and i've been using the label bisexual, but i think in reality i'm pansexual. i've been attracted to women and men, but i think the person is more important to me than the gender. while i most often am attracted to women (making me a lesbian?), i recognize that relationship compatibility for me has less to do with equipment, and more to do with personality—and not simply "masculine" versus "feminine" personality differences.

i'd like to be accepted and loved for who i am. and i think everyone else deserves the same.

and if you feel homosexuality (or anything other than heterosexuality) is immoral, i invite you to do a little mental exercise:

imagine that you are gay. you don't want to be. but you are. you find members of your own gender to be attractive, while members of the opposite sex are either repulsive to you, or simply nothing special. you'd probably try pretty hard not to be gay. but at some point you'd realize that you need to choose. happiness in intimate relationships or social/religious acceptance. most people never have to make that choice. doesn't it suck that you do? choosing the acceptance of society or what's moral from a religious standpoint is nothing short of repressing your own feelings. maybe you're good at it. but it will eat away at you your entire life. you'll be lucky to make it through and feel any sort of inner peace and contentment. now what if you made the other choice? you might lose family and friends. you might make yourself the target of violence. you might make yourself the target of general ridicule from society. but you'd also be choosing to embrace something that is part of you. you'd be choosing to live an honest life, one in which you wouldn't have to keep secrets. you'd be choosing to try for happiness.

so what'll it be? outward stability with inner turmoil? or the opposite: inner peace with outside sources of harm? not an easy choice. i hope you can at least sympathize with people in this position, and not demonize them.

sorry for the heavy tone in this post, but i'm very passionate about issues of gender and sexuality. and i wish we all loved each other a little more.

p.s. if you happen to disagree with me, that's ok. you can believe what you want to believe. i'll try to be understanding, but i just hope you realize that we all choose our belief systems, but we do not choose who we are sexually attracted to.

the past 1 - tanuki 0

i've always hated the idea of public prayer. one person communicating with god vocally, representing everyone in the room? no, you don't represent me. and i doubt my honest prayer would represent you.

yesterday, i had a rather ugly experience with praying in public. the director and most of the cast of romeo & juliet are mormon (i'm one of two who aren't), so it's not that weird that we have cast prayer before each show. usually, someone will volunteer to say the prayer, though on occasion the director will ask a specific person to pray. last night, the director caught me off guard. she asked me to pray. really, me? don't you remember the time i drank champagne in front of you? don't you remember the conversation we had about how i'm a chameleon living among mormons?

i have no idea what was going through her head. maybe she was trying to give an outsider a chance to pray with the group in his own way. maybe she was trying to spur a lost soul back onto the path of redemption. maybe she just wasn't thinking at all.

the worst part of all: i said yes. "oh shit," i thought. "how do i even say a prayer that i'm comfortable with?" immediately and unintentionally i fell back into familiar patterns of prayer. and at "amen" i felt thoroughly disgusted. i couldn't even stand up for myself? i couldn't have said "no, thank you"? i couldn't have prayed in a way that felt true to my own beliefs? apparently not. i have been too well trained to pray for others' ears.

in my mind, prayer is (or should be) communication. the "god" i feel is everywhere—in everything. how the hell do i turn meditation into a 30-second public speech? shitty. next time i'm politely refusing. it's decided.

my past, you win this round. but i won't lie down so easily next time.

further thoughts

i didn't really dive too deeply into my beliefs, so i'll give you a bit more. here's a tanuki belief sampler (i.e. this list is not exhaustive):

i believe...
1. people are more important than possessions.
-one time, someone spilled beer on my laptop. getting angry wouldn't have solved anything, but it could have hurt the relationship. computers are replaceable. people aren't.

2. in living in harmony with nature.
-nature operates in cycles—give and take. as a species we're out of harmony with nature. let's give as much as we take.

3. in respect.
-respect your own body, respect other people, respect animals, respect life, respect the earth itself. don't be an asshole to anyone or anything.

4. honesty is usually the best policy.
-lies can be hurtful. so can secrets. avoid them as much as possible. when truth hurts, it should be delivered delicately.

5. murder is unjust.
-microwaving cats and squashing spiders are forms of murder.

6. in leaving the world a better place than it was when you found it.
-be a force for good in the world.

7. sexual preference has nothing to do with right and wrong.
-an ideal relationship is founded on mutual love and respect. i fail to see how loving homosexual relationships are bad and cold heterosexual ones are good.

8. beliefs should never be forced on anyone.
-not by guilt, not by fear. if only byu (my alma mater) felt the same way.

i realize some of these don't exactly seem like religious/spiritual beliefs. that's fine. for me they are.

internets! & some thoughts on spirituality/religion

finally have an internet connection at home. i am happy ^_^

my brother sent me a book called the power of now, that i just started reading yesterday. favorite quote thus far:

all the things that truly matter—beauty, love, creativity, joy, inner peace—arise from beyond the mind.

i've noticed a lot of overlap between tolle's (the author) ideas and taoism. which reminds me...i need to track down my copy of the tao of pooh (a great introduction to taoism). anyway, i'm looking forward to getting deeper into the book.

so, if i don't identify myself as a mormon anymore, what or where am i spiritually?

recently i was asked, "well, do you still believe in god?" why is that the one important question? am i a better person if i do believe in god? my answer: "i believe in a power beyond what we see—a positive force. is it a man with a beard? i imagine not, but does that really matter? what matters to me is that we all can feel it, have access to it, and are part of it, whether we realize that or not." i prefer not to use the word/name god. it's a judeo-christian word, and my beliefs don't really align with that religious tradition. i lean more towards words like "power", "force", "energy", "life", "light", "current", and sometimes "the tao" (i feel rather taoist from time to time).

a friend of mine recently blogged about the beauty and humility of the phrase "i don't know." i don't claim to know anything with absolute certainty—especially things of a spiritual nature. i can only say that i feel this is the right direction for me at the present. and as i evolve as a person, my beliefs will evolve too.

i won't ever tell you that your beliefs are wrong. how can i judge what's best for you? please do me the same favor. and everyone else, too, while you're at it