ideas for change

up until now i've been using tags (labels) to mark the main topics of any given post. being in japanese, they're probably only useful to me.

going back and switching them all over to english is not an idea that appeals to me, but maybe there is something i can do to improve the organization of tanuki talk.

and so, i'm introducing columns! by column i mean section, like in a newspaper. the blog won't change visually so much, but now you'll see what you're getting into when you read a post title (they can be cryptic sometimes).

for example, a post about food could be titled "munchies: my conversion to goya"—with "munchies" being the column title of any post about food.

it's late, and i'm tired. so we'll call it good with two columns for now. "munchies" for food posts and "trans-japan" for posts relating to being transgender in japan.

bus post am short (@@)

greetings from a bus!

i had something important to write about, but in the time it took me to figure out how to disable auto-capitalization i forgot what it was. (-_-)

on a loosely related note, i had a thought the other day that i should make a post about everything that i don't like about myself. that might end up in some really dark territory, but it could also be very therapeutic. i'm not gonna write that one now, so let's change the topic!

i'm 27. that just happened. sometimes i feel old. luckily someone's always there to tell me i'm being silly. 26 was a weird year. definitely not bad, but strange nonetheless.

well this has been unsubstantitive and short. let's hope for something better next time. (^_~)

pre-post post

gonna write a post soon.

get ready for it!

an 11-part montage of sami's last five weeks

maybe you've noticed.

maybe you haven't.

i'm a bit behind on my blogging.

but all your patience pays off right now because i have LOTS i want to write about, and OODLES of pictures to show.

so without further ado, i give you...

part 1: size

34-30-39.

i don't know what i was before starting hormones, but if i were to guess, i'd say 32-30-36.

according to wikipedia, the ideal healthy waist to hip ratio for women is 0.7, and for men is 0.9. i'm at 0.77. i can't help but feel a little shapely.

::blush::

part 2: my last attempt at a blog entry

"i'm about to finish an 800g block of gouda. i'm down to the last three slices. ugh, i'm gonna vomit."

to learn more, please check my latest vlog (youtube link on the left, yo)!

part 3: cheese follow-up

while i was back in the states earlier this month, i attempted to eat a 1lb block of kraft sharp cheddar. i finished about 80% of it and had to bail because i needed to get in a kayak and paddle with vigor. if i had continued eating the cheese, i still wouldn't have counted it because it just wouldn't seem like "one sitting".

so yeah. cheese fail #2.

part 4: the mountain behind my house

there's a "mountain" behind my house (yet in front of my front door?)!

so i like to climb it.

from my front door to the gazebo at the top takes about 1 hour at a relaxed, but steady pace.

the really cool thing? five minutes out my front door and i'm in the middle of the woods.

and these woods are pretty cool. made only cooler by weird concrete designs:

and cool highway underpasses:

the main trail from my area splits into multiple trails in the middle of the woods. both trails are super cool (and get super steep near the end). why are they super cool? because you burst out of the woods only to find yourself at the top of one of two hills—both with amazing views. it's really cool to have the sky open like that after a healthy jaunt under a dense canopy.

the gazebo is a great place to just sit and gaze out at the entire city and the ocean. here, take a look (8 shots facing 8 directions, paired in twos for better viewing pleasure):

NE / E:

SE / S:

SW / W:

NW / N:

i love how green japan is!

part 5: kyoto?

yes. i meant for that question mark to be there. why?

exhibit a:

ok, i was actually sober and awake for most of the trip. i did some really fun things including:

• 伏見稲荷大社 "fushimi inari taisha"—a huge shrine with a shit-ton of red gates (2 pictures below)
• walking around 三条 "sanjo"—a covered shopping street
• cycling from kyoto station to 鞍馬 "kurama" to go to an onsen (hot spring)—16 km
• walking around the imperial palace grounds
• general cycling around town
• cosplay karaoke!!! (picture below)

photo evidence of holiday sobriety:

in one of these three pictures i wasn't sober.

any guesses?

(^o^)

part 6: 101 in 1001

right. so i already mentioned the cheese fail.

but the successes?

• i watched the social network, up, little miss sunshine, and crash. movie progess 5/56
• i rode my bike drunk
• i read 星の王子様 ("le petit prince" in japanese). japanese novels 1/5
• i went to 2 new bars (tanya and rising sun—both in hitachi). new bars 2/20
• i sang two david bowie songs at karaoke ("space oddity" and "star man").
• i swallowed a piece of gum as i hiked the mountain behind my house (it's called 助川山 "sukegawa-yama" by the way).

and here are the almosts:

• i may or may not have won a staring contest. i can't rightly remember.
• i made avocado ice cream. oh how easily i could have turned that into a milkshake! if only i had been thinking. it was very delicious and creamy, btw.

part 7: ultimate

i played ultimate frisbee today.

part 8: exploring hitachi

one day i set out on my bike to explore this city i live in. i got sunburned. what a fool.

here are some pics:

look underneath the crane. what do you see? the gazebo on top of my "mountain"!

this pier is visible in the east-view shot from the gazebo.

the coast!

now admittedly, i had been to this pier/beach before. i cut through a lot of unknown neighborhoods on my way though. ready for more? it doesn't matter!

i'm a big fan of undisturbed nature. but this is kinda cool. and this is not the same beach, just so you know.

this is a cliff.

i am now on top of the cliff but a little further south.

unfortunately, the city is too big to adequately explore in one day. i think i'll explore a bit more when it gets cooler.

p.s. the second beach area (the last three pictures) are on the coast just north of hitachi station. google map it!

part 9: rethinking some parts of 101 in 1001

the blog weekly / vlog monthly goals are now impossible having missed over a month of both. so instead, i'll keep the overall goal number the same and have the weekly/monthly thing be a suggestion since it would help keep me on track.

part 10: painful choices

they suck. we don't really choose who we fall for, do we? but what if you fall for a friend? would you risk that friendship to see if it could become something more?

it's nice to be in love for a change (i thought i was becoming an asexual robot!). it is what it is, and willing myself out of it was both incredibly painful and ultimately unsuccessful. fingers crossed that i can enjoy emotional stability while in the throes of a love i may never confess. haha, really?

baka.

part 11: reflection

has this truly been the longest fucking blog post ever?

that i've written? yes.

that i've read? yes.

so in my reality (which you've willingly immersed yourself in) the answer is yes. this is the longest fucking blog post ever. thanks for reading!

my 101 in 1001

thanks to my friend sara, i've been inspired to create a list of 101 things i want to accomplish in the next 1001 days. i'm officially starting today (june 24, 2011), which means i will finish by march 20, 2014 at 11:59:59 pm.

be forewarned, a number of the items on my list might be considered tmi ("too much information" for the layperson). here we go:

1- visit china

2- be vegetarian for 30 days (again)

3- blog weekly (0/144)

4- vlog monthly (0/34)

5- learn to play 10 new songs on the bass (0/10)

6- do the splits (front-ways)

7- do a street performance (dance or music)

8- read 50 books (0/50)

9- get rid of all my facial hair

10- translate and subtitle a japanese drama series

11- write and direct a movie

12- host a dinner party at my house (3+ guests)

13- learn how to make 10 classic drinks (0/10)

14- read 5 japanese novels (0/5)

15- record an album

16- visit australia

17- go inside a pachinko parlor

18- write a letter by hand

19- wax my legs

20- bike to mito

21- learn 5 new recipes for every meal (0/15)

22- read the qur'an

23- appear on japanese tv

24- amass a savings of 1,000,000 yen (approx. $12,000)

25- take a yoga class

26- start/join a band

27- be "out" at work

28- bring a sketchbook to the zoo and draw animals

29- memorize the lyrics to 20 japanese songs (0/20)

30- engage in a gyoza-eating competition

31- pass jlpt level 1

32- legally change my name

33- take one picture a day for 30 days in a row

34- make an animated short

35- learn 15 pop dance routines (0/15)

36- find and meet with a therapist

37- visit shikoku

38- visit okinawa

39- make my own kimchi

40- drink beer in a bowling alley

41- watch "buffy the vampire slayer" in its entirety

42- NaNoWriMo

43- learn the prefectures and capitals of japan

44- do an all-day photo shoot

45- take in a bath in something aside from water

46- develop my own series of english, japanese, and chinese lessons

47- make a friend online and meet them in real life

48- literally meet someone for a cup of coffee

49- convince a friend to visit me in japan

50- buy an apron

51- have a sleepover at my house (2+ guests)

52- go to and use the public library

53- go to 20 new bars (0/20)

54- memorize 10 monologues in english and japanese (0/20)

55- buy an area rug

56- memorize the names and numbers of the first 151 pokemon in japanese

57- make a snow angel

58- survive a summer without turning on my ac

59- write a comedy routine

60- wear sunglasses at night

61- experience love

62- do a scavenger hunt

63- learn to play the ocarina

64- draw/write a graphic novel

65- buy something just to smash it

66- eat an entire meal upside down

67- draw my self portrait with crayons

68- sleep in the storage closet under my bed

69- decide what kanji i would use to represent my name

70- organize an enkai

71- get a part time job completely unrelated to teaching

72- dress as dr. girlfriend for halloween or some other costumed occasion

73- make an avocado milkshake

74- find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie-pop

75- get rid of the boys (like you cared to know?)

76- eat a block of cheese in one sitting

77- play hide and seek with people my age

78- watch the best picture winners/nominees from 1996-2010 (0/56)

79- sing a david bowie song at karaoke

80- be homeless for a week

81- go 30 days without facebook

82- go 12 days without the internet

83- design the floor plan of my dream house

84- swallow a piece of gum

85- develop the habit of brushing and flossing daily

86- write a ransom note using letters/words cut out from magazines

87- roll down a grassy hill

88- be someone's slave for a day

89- write 70 poems (0/70)

90- fly a kite

91- win a staring contest

92- visit south korea

93- learn how to sew

94- pick up a chicken

95- make a savory vegetarian sandwich with at least 5 ingredients

96- give a high five to each of the following: a policeman, a cook, and a store clerk

97- eat fresh wasabi root

98- ride my bike while completely drunk

99- swim a mile

100- volunteer

101- lose my virginity to someone i care about

suitcase 生活

it occurs to me that i haven't kept everyone updated about my japan plans. i aim to correct that:

in 2 weeks 16 hours and 30 minutes i'll take off from los angeles, landing in tokyo 12 hours later. i'll take a bus from the airport to hitachi, ibaraki. the gig is still on.

in more practical terms though, i'm leaving utah on the 13th to go see family in california for a few days. and my flight to tokyo leaves on the 17th. so i basically have 10 days to get my affairs in order and say my goodbyes.

and speaking of getting my affairs in order...all my free yard sale stuff that doesn't get claimed in the next 5 days is going to DI. i've already begun resorting to craigslist. c'mon people! bathrobes! jumpsuits!

oh. and i started a vlog. link on the left.


p.s. i have a lot of thoughts/emotions building up right now, so i assume they'll explode pretty soon into a long blog rant. get excited! (or nervous?)

free yard sale v1.2

third post of the day. whew!

this one is to announce additions to the free yard sale. some highlights include:

• bathrobes
• chinese (board-esque) games
• sports equipment
• shoes
• and much much more

be sure to check out the yard sale page to see if there's anything you want. if you have any use (no matter how small or silly) for any of it, PLEASE take it off my hands. i need to fit my entire life into a few small suitcases, and owning multiple bathrobes doesn't help the cause.

yard sale in the sidebar

check out my new sidebar link (or click here) to get a look at the first few items i've catalogued as part of my pre-departure free yard sale. hopefully you live in utah and can score big from this opportunity to inherit all of my junk.

in other news i stumbled across a website for a japanese transgender support group here. looks like there are transgender conferences every two months just an hour away from where i'll be living! on a related note, i attended my first trans-support group last night. it was a huge emotional boost, since i've been feeling a bit isolated lately.

too lazy for a post with content

i just wrote an informational page for tanuki talk as a sort of trans-primer. it talks about what it means to be transgender (or transsexual) in a general sense and then gives an overview of my own experience to date. it can be found under "tanuki info" on the left bar, which has become simpler—text links instead of image links.

in other news, life is good, and i love everyone! (except for nicholas cage)

in case you needed it...

some clarification:

1) i'm not yet "going girl" full-time. i'll have to build up to this, which includes some very important steps (in order):

• doing things in public as a girl, with friends. movies, groceries, restaurants, etc.

• doing things in public as a girl, alone. movies, groceries, restaurants, etc.

• talking to HR at my work. at my current job i might have to get transferred if i want to present as female at work. i'm pretty nervous about this, so it might be a while before i do anything about it.

this isn't to say that i don't want to go full-time, it just takes more than a week to get there. ^o^

2) there's more to my life than simply being trans. i'm not sure if i need to say this more for you or more for me. my last couple blog posts (this one included) have been pretty trans-heavy. i don't see it as a new direction for the blog. nor do i see this as a "new" me. rather, it's just an indication of what's been blog-worthy in my life lately.

and for those of you who may be concerned that i'm no longer the same 'ben' you used know, i say this—after i got home from meeting with my therapist yesterday, i did nothing but play WoW, drink beer, and eat pizza. how very unladylike of me! (shame on you for clinging to arbitrary social gender norms!)

i feel the need to salvage this post into something more than just a trans-rant, but i'm drawing a blank right now.

here's a post photo shoot picture of me:

this is the corner where i had the sheets hung up as my backdrop. i don't know what that funny spot to the upper left of my head is—must be a weird lens flare. i consider this my "boi" look. still a bit made up. still wearing girl pants (as so many boys do anyway). this is about the limit to how manly i feel. ever.

this is me

^-^ (<-- this is how i feel right now)

i have some rather big news. i'm changing my name! and i'm 100% out!

for those of you who are new here or were directed here by the facebook post 'outting' myself, i'm transgender! born a boy, want to be/feel like a/wish i were a girl. no big deal. i'm changing my name to samantha (sam and sami are agreeable nicknames). i'll respond to 'ben' by force of habit, but i'd prefer sami or sam (or samantha, as occasion dictates).

for those of who find this news alienating and/or disturbing, maybe we shouldn't be friends? i mean, this is who i am, and your bad vibes aren't going to change that or make me want to pretend to be a normal guy who likes testosterone charged conversation.

but don't let me be too harsh! i know that accepting something like this can take time, so i won't hate you regardless if you're cool with this or not.

so, i decided to shave my legs today (since a part of this whole thing is allowing myself to be as much of a girl as i want to be). wow—that's tedious! it took me an hour to do a shoddy job on one leg:

i'm guessing regrowth is easier to shave (being shorter and sticking up more) and takes less time. luckily, it's winter so no one will know that i have one hairy leg and one smooth one!

feel free to leave a comment (i take questions—any and all!)

pre-holiday udpate

i somehow got out of the habit of blogging regularly, so here's a kick-start! (and as you'll notice from the link in the previous sentence, i'm now titling my links just like my pictures)

in my last post on food i left out a very important picture:

this was my pineapple rendition of mumbo jumbo, of banjo-kazooie fame.

ok. back to the whole "i haven't posted in a while" topic. given the month-long dry spell, i have a lovely set of things i can write about. and for your reading pleasure, i will write about all of them. right now. GO!

the first weekend of december, i roadtripped with cool kid sara to southern california to take the jlpt (japanese language proficiency test). the test was a bit harder than i had anticipated. at this point i'm giving it about a 50-50 that i passed (apparently it takes two months to grade a scantron #facepalm).

wait...i thought i was good at japanese? did i not study hard enough? lemme think...i did study, right?

exhibit a

right, right. i dinked around on read the kanji, mainly because it charted my level of awesomeness with characters (see all the colors?!).

exhibit b

well, yeah they're comic books. but they're in japanese! that's studying!

exhibit c

it's listening practice!

ok, so maybe i didn't really study per se. sigh. however! even if i didn't pass, at least some good came out of the whole experience. like the road trip. which gave me new hope that there are in fact good things to say about LA. traffic, of course, is not one of them. but little tokyo is! check out this cool map:

we ate at the deliciously wonderful, though hardly hole-in-the-wall, curry house. (and if you're interested here's the menu.) we didn't have this awesome map at the time, so we mostly hung out in weller court (the upper left block on the map that is cut through diagonally by onizuka street), which also housed kinokuniya, a japanese book store.

all of this was over-shadowed by a later drive down to san diego the following day, when we went to book-off:

for the uninitiated, book-off is an amazing used book store that has a very large selection of $1 books (¥100 in japan), the most important of which are comic books. i bought $40 worth of books (some were from the higher priced sections):

i'm currently reading at a rate of 2 volumes per week, working on gto (see exhibit b). so with any luck, this supply (and the 10 not-pictured volumes i already owned) will last me until it's time for another road trip.

continuing with the good that came out of the jlpt experience, i discovered the wonders of evernote and livestation. just to show you how cool evernote is, here's a screenshot:

i have a note open entitled "studying for the jlpt" with the tags ブログ and 日本語 ("blog" and "japanese"). whenever i think of something i want to blog about but don't have time to write a post immediately, i make a note in evernote. since i've started a trend with the above picture, let's take it a step further (this is random and unrelated to using evernote).

ok, lemme see if i can get this right. this is a screenshot of my blogger window, which contains a screenshot of evernote, in which the open note contains a cropped screenshot of my read the kanji progress chart. pretty cool, huh?

*completely different topic warning*

my home brews turned out ok. mostly. the first ones i opened (about a week and a half after bottling) were rather sweet, tasting more like cider than beer. they were very drinkable, just not very beer-y. it was lacking in maltiness, hop flavor and aroma, and body. the brews that i let condition for a few more weeks had a more subdued sweetness, but were otherwise the same.

the results shouldn't be too surprising though. the west coast pale ale batch is half booster (a packet of fermentable sugars), which essentially waters down (or alcohols down?) the malt and hops of the wort.

the beer, dubbed "ben's breakfast blend", won't need too much work to be a solid beer. replace the booster with another can of hme (hopped malt extract), and the flavors should be more or less balanced.

in 6 of the 20 bottles, i added an extra spoon of sugar (NB: sugar is added during bottling to carbonate and raise the alcohol level of the beer). after 3 weeks of conditioning they tasted the same as the early batch, but quite a bit more alcoholic. unfortunately, i didn't get them all in time:

this is the ceiling of my closet. i kept the brews in my closet to minimize light exposure. the extra sugar brews were more alcoholic and more carbonated. until i discovered glass shards on my floor and this in the ceiling i hadn't appreciated just how much more carbonated they were. 4 bottles exploded about 36 hours ago, leaving my closet full of glass and my clothes soaked in sugary beer. (-_-)

i think there were more things i was going to write about, but i'll leave it there for now.

ciao!

i gets excited when i talk about my foods!

sometimes, i play with my food.

food is a very important part of my life, and yet, i frequently settle for buying/eating garbage. in an ideal world—one where tanuki exercised self-control—i'd eat healthy, and i'd eat delicious.

for example, i could be eating this:

tonjiru (豚汁 - pork, veggies & miso soup)

instead of cooking something awesome (see above), i usually follow this unfortunate pattern:

i live with 5 guys. some of them wash their own dishes. some of them don't. as such, the natural state of our kitchen sink is too-full-to-fit-a-cup-under-the-faucet. i'm gonna go ahead and blame my poor eating habits on circumstance.

no, really! i feel justified because when i was living by myself in japan during the summer of 2009, this happened:

mabo tofu (麻婆豆腐)

frequently.

so. as an incentive to eat better, i want to start including food more often in the blog, in a series i will call tanuki food. it may include recipes, pictures, and sound clips of how much i'm enjoying what i'm eating.

seriously.

tanuki been thinkin'...

i have a series of new ideas for life and the blog:

life related:

• watch some japanese tv everyday - i have a lot of yet-to-be-watched anime and j-drama. i also could use the listening practice.

• read something in japanese everyday - i have a shelf of unread manga and other japanese books. again, i could use the reading practice.

• come out as a post-mormon - a lot of people already know i'm not in the lds church anymore, but all too often i let people believe what they want because it's easier. of course, this is only really necessary with people who have always known me as mormon.

• come out as transgender - i've told my family, (now) ex-girlfriends, a few close friends, and the blogosphere. i could facebook status it, but that only handles facebook friends who check their news feed. i'm not yet sure how to be open / clear about who i am to other people without resorting to one-on-one serious talks.

• become quasi-vegetarian at the end of my 30-day vegetarian stint - i've lapsed twice (once, on accident with calamari that i thought was onion rings. the first bite told me otherwise. the second time was not exactly an accident—i ate ramen with shrimp powder. in my defense though, i didn't know there was shrimp powder in it until i had already prepared a full meal out of it). i'd like to limit myself to one serving of meat per day.

blog related:

• write the entire post, then pick a title - i don't want to stifle free-writing by locking myself in to a specific topic.

• たまに日本語で書く (write in japanese now and then) - ok, so this isn't a new idea. but i should recommit to it.

• pictures will be larger - that way you won't necessarily feel the need to click to enlarge a picture just to have an idea about what's going on.

god, i miss japan...

this is an old pic of me in kyoto. circa 2008.

the start of something better

after reading hyperbole and a half i've realized that my blog doesn't display enough of my personality. it's often intellectually revealing, but my wackiness is perhaps masked a bit too much. i'm inspired to use my real camera more (instead of my built-in macbook webcam), and also insert some of my drawings. remember how i said i'd put in a picture with every post? now there'll be interesting drawings and photos instead of unflattering shirtless snapshots of me.

i just glanced in my old (and only) sketchbook and found a few gems. i'll share four:

i started my sketchbook as a dream journal. this is the first and only page dealing with dreams. this would've been early 2004.

the hudson river and new jersey as viewed from the financial district in manhattan. this is hands-down my most time consuming and visually appealing ballpoint sketch. summer 2004.

this is bailey, my childhood dog. three of her legs are hidden because she is lying down. i didn't draw the floor. late summer 2004.

so this one time i was riding in someone's car in east provo, south of byu campus, and i saw a lady pushing around an empty stroller. i connected the dots and drew this picture. early 2007.

given my status as a level 4 penmaster, i should be able to draw a decent-looking tanuki for the blog banner. the real problem is i have spent so little time leveling since 2004. time to get back into it, eh?

WAIT. i can't be a penmaster. i need to think of a more all-encompassing class...bohemian? renaissance kid? renaissance kid. or lancer.

30 days of no meat

last night i won a bet. i downed 50 chicken mcnuggets, large fries, and a large drink in under an hour (it only took me 35 minutes). the shitty feeling that followed inspired me to declare myself vegetarian for the next 30 days.

the rules:

• no meat (including but not limited to: beef, chicken, pork, turkey, fish, shellfish, or any flavoring derived from animal meat)
• yes milk (and its derivatives)
• yes eggs

honestly, i was thinking of going vegan for 30 days, but i have a carton of eggs in the fridge that i really ought to use in the next few weeks, and i don't want to be wasteful.

also, i'm gonna start including pictures with every post. as a rule. and there will be mouse-over text. as a rule.

life update

romeo & juliet went out with a bang last monday. before the show, the director told us, "if you want to do something on stage, go for it. follow your impulses." the result? the best show of the whole run. and the most fun. everyone went deeper with their characters, they made riskier decisions, and it paid off big. awesome.

the company's next show is uncle vanya, which will run the last two weeks of october. i auditioned for it—and came more excited and prepared than i had to any previous audition—but i didn't make the cut >.< i did volunteer to help out, so now i've been dubbed "stage manager". rehearsals just started up on wednesday.

i've started studying for the jlpt, which i'll take in december (in los angeles whoo!). i haven't done much with japanese in the last three months, and it feels good to be reading, hearing, and using the language again. i added a japanese introduction page (タヌキって誰？ is actually a button now).

most exciting of all (for me at least): my mind is being blown away by the power of now (i mentioned this in an earlier post). literally. i don't feel there's one book or one philosopher / religious teacher that has all the answers, but this makes my list of awesome words to live by. for your reference i've included the list so far:

• tao te ching
• the bible
• the book of mormon
• the tao of pooh
• the power of now

i suspect i'll add the qur'an once i read it. something by rousseau might end up on the list too. i may pick a good shakespeare to throw in as well.

oh. and here's a picture update:

despite what the picture may seem to convey, i'm actually feeling quite good about life! this may be related to the fact that i just bought a bottle of sake.

makeover makeover!

is it an improvement? i'd like to think so. i've spent the last 5 hours designing it. the page "about tanuki" was a post from last week. i haven't written the equivalent japanese page (タヌキって誰？) yet.

in other news, romeo & juliet is going well. performances are in full swing, and we've been having decent-sized audiences come. the director (aptly named anne shakespeare) has helped me develop a lot as an actor—take more risks on stage, engage the audience, have better posture, etc. so what this play isn't a paying gig. i'm getting free training ^_^