trans-japan: doctor, doctor!

yesterday i had my first appointment with a gender specialist doctor in japan.

i wasn't sure what to expect, but i tried to prepare beforehand in all the ways i could think of.

i had a copy of a letter from my american therapist. i brought my hormone prescriptions (spironolactone and estradiol). and i also made myself a little cheat sheet of relevant japanese words that i might not know off the top of my head.

the intake process began like most first-time doctor visits do. i filled out a form with my personal details and some basic medical history questions.

after a short wait i had an interview with a psychologist. she asked me a lot of general questions (family size, hometown, education level, etc.), and then some ones specific to my seeking treatment (how long i've known i'm trans, treatment i've received, etc.).

after another wait i met with the psychiatrist who runs the clinic. we went into much greater detail about my gender dysphoria. i was surprised by how unequipped i felt to answer his questions in japanese.

for example, he asked me, "what is it you don't like about being male?"

i thought for a moment and said, "there's a cultural/social aspect and a physical aspect. socially, i don't think, feel, and communicate like men do. and then physically, i sometimes feel disgust at my own body/anatomy." there were a lot of pauses as i thought how to say all that.

then he asked me, "well, what specifically do you not like about the male way of thinking/acting? please give me some examples."

and then my brain (already severely straining at this point) simply stopped working.

he encouraged me to speak in english if i couldn't get the japanese out. i couldn't really gauge his english level, but he seemed to get the gist of what i was saying.

once the intake questions were finished. he asked me point-blank, "so, you want more hormones, is that it?"

"well...yes. yes, i do. but i also want to get counseling to talk about the future."

"the future?"

"i want surgery."

he said, "alright. for today let's take care of your hormones. how much do you want? i can give you any amount."

"...uhh...? maybe like a few mo—"

"let's set your next appointment. how often do you want to come?"

"it's kind of far from home, but i'd like to do once a month." i live three hours away.

we set the next appointment, and he gave me exactly enough hormones to carry me through until the appointment.

there was a bit of a change though. japan has a medication that's identical to estradiol, but it's prohibitively expensive, so (with his recommendation) i opted to switch to premarin.

national health insurance covers counseling/therapy but i'll have to pay for my hormones out-of-pocket.

oh yeah—the final thing i did at the doctor's. he had me draw a tree. he said it was some sort of psychological test.

am i gonna screw it up? can i just draw any tree? maybe i should do a lollipop tree and be done with it. but what if that's a red flag or something? hmm, this tree looks a bit dead. lots of branches, no leaves. what does that say about me? they're probably wondering why i'm spending so much time on this tree. hmm, good enough, right?

damn doctor head-games! (>_<) haha.

リンゴ酢 yo

i'm not sure how i forgot to mention this, but my head is all better!

so how did i do it? behold!

apple cider vinegar.

yup. 1 part water, 1 part acv. used it like shampoo. two weeks later, my head was good as new.

i learned some interesting facts along the way.

1. vinegar burns your eyes. i would have guessed as much, but now i know.
   
2. vinegar stings on open wounds and freshly shaven skin. i wasn't sure about sunburns, but i decided against testing it out last week after i got bright pink from a day of snowboarding.
3. vinegar odors dissipate quickly. i usually stop smelling like a salad about an hour after showering.

i'm still using it maybe once a week—just to keep the problem from recurring.

in other news, naruto:

the first

i have a lot to write about. let's see if i can't get back into blogging on a regular basis.

now, i don't want to overwhelm you (or myself, for that matter). that's why i'm only going to cover one topic in this post.

the topic? chocolate!

in the weeks leading up to valentine's, japan became focused on one thing: chocolate. and i felt that i should join in on the excitement.

you see, valentine's day is special in japan. it's a day when a girl gives chocolate to the boy she likes. typically she makes it herself (store-bought chocolates just lack that personal touch, ya know?). of course, she also makes chocolate for her friends (義理チョコ girichoko - "obligation chocolate").

now, i don't have a boy i like (or a girl), so i decided to just make some girichoko. originally i planned to make enough for all the other teachers at work, but...well, we'll get to that.

making chocolate!

so i found a nice confectionary cookbook at my school library, and i took a picture of some key pages on chocolate making.

here's the recipe i ended up going with:

it's a pretty simple one. chocolate nut clusters.

i didn't have a thermometer, which meant a little bit of guesswork. and i didn't have the patience to cut the chocolate into fine bits before i melted it down, so i'm sure i strayed pretty far from the temperatures i was supposed to aim for.

and not having an oven i had to roast the nuts on an electric stove in a nonstick pan. definitely less than ideal. i nearly burned some, while others remained blissfully raw.

again being lazy, i didn't want to chop the almonds by hand, so i stuck 'em in my coffee grinder. within 2 seconds i had nut powder. oops. i decided to chop the rest of the nuts with a knife.

temperature control with the chocolate was difficult once i added the nuts. the first few globs of nutty chocolate i put on the sheet looked alright, but the chocolate was slowly hardening and becoming more difficult to coax off of the spoon. so the last 10 looked a bit choppy.

well you can see for yourself:

i sprinkled some coconut on top, hoping it would stick since the chocolate was still quite soft. it didn't really stick, but it was a nice thought.

the batch was supposed to yield 20, but because the chocolate was hardening i had less control of the size of each successive piece. i ended up with 15, and had enough ingredients to make another batch. but i needed 40 for everyone to have one. so i thought, better that no one gets them than some people feel left out.

so i just called it good, and dedicated the batch to my friends (who i would have made a third batch for, had portions worked out properly).

it was well received, so i either did something right, or i have nice friends.

and now i can make chocolate (i think)!

the colour and the shape of 2012

it's never too early to make new year's resolutions. but because nobody ever actually accomplishes the so-named resolutions, i think a name change is in order.

i'm hereby renaming my new year's resolutions "the forecast".

so here's the forecast:

1) i'm going to inquire at an american consulate about legal name changes.

looking back, it all probably would've been a lot less headache had i changed my name before leaving the country. (>_<) let's see if we can make it happen from overseas.

2) my scalp is going to be happy again.

if my current strategies don't produce results i'm going to find a new dermatologist—one who actually has time to listen.

3) i will finally contact/consult a japanese gender specialist doctor

i've had the contact info of a highly recommended guy for a while now. i have no excuse.

4) my 101 list will get revamped.

some items have been made obsolete. others i've lost interest in. with the gusto of a new year, 101 in 1001 will live again (and you'll see updates, too!)

5) i am going to take and pass N1 (japanese language proficiency test - 日本語能力試験).

i was going to take it in secret a few weeks ago, but i was feeling a bit ill and chickened out that day. either way i wouldn't have passed—i just wanted to see what the test was like to get an idea of how much more i'd have to know to pass it. i missed that chance to preview it, but i intend to obliterate the test. that's how awesome i intend to become. (note that "the forecast" only includes #5 itself. all the commentary afterwards is just me rambling.)

6) i will audition for something!

seriously. i can't be forgettin' my dreams now, ya know?


i'll possibly have some more things to add to the forecast later. but this is an ok start.

what you didn't want to know about my head...

the battle for my scalp just got serious.

i wanted to grow out my hair (it was coming along so nicely!). but for the sake of a healthy head (that actually has some hair left on it), i had to cut it.

ever since late may (about 1 month after i moved to japan), i've had three huge, lingering, and terribly itchy scabs on my scalp. one's front and center, and the other two are on either side slightly above and behind the ears.

this also happened both times i came to japan previously, but then cleared up after i went back to america.

so i thought—maybe it's a problem with japanese shampoo? or something in the environment?

with that hope, i determined to bear my affliction until august, when i'd be in america for a few days and could get my hands on some safe shampoo.

all the while it got bigger and itchier, and more hair found its way to shower drain.

then at last i had the promised shampoo!—$1-suave from walmart.

but nothing changed. i wouldn't say it got worse after switching shampoos, but the leprosy has just run its course a little more, and yet more hair has ended up in my drain.

***grotesque picture interlude***

so i cut my hair, and lo and behold there was irritated, hairless skin underneath!

here is the hair i cut from that region of my head. THIS WAS HANGING OFF MY HEAD. it's as though my scalp melted and re-solidified with all my hair held captive, and then slowly peeled away from my head leaving me with thoroughly uncombable and entirely disgusting hair.

***back to the narrative***

so i bit the bullet and went to see a dermatologist. after the slightest of glances, he prescribed me some sort of topical lotion. i was dubious, but had no other options, finding most google searches on the issue completely useless.

but i had a problem. lots of out-of-control semi-long curly hair, a large area of scalp to cover, and only a 10ml bottle of lotion? i tried. the areas that i could get did feel a little better, but it was just too hard to see/feel where i was putting it.

so i struggled with the decision to cut my hair. now that i have a four day weekend, i decided to do it, hoping that my now naked head can heal up before i have to go back to work.

but given the picture above, i don't think my head will look entirely normal for a little while. (ToT)

if the lotion doesn't work, i just stumbled across something that suggests this might be fungal—in which case using a apple cider vinegar + peroxide combo is supposedly quite effective.

hope my hair comes back.

just because i eat ramen doesn't mean i can't cook! (sort of...)

now is really not the time to be doing this. i should be writing my speech for a competition i'm in next week. or i should be writing my novel. or i should be taking a nap.

but i'm not one to exercise self-control.

so let's talk about how to take ordinary instant ramen and make it awesome!

1) buy the right ramen. try out different varieties until you find which one you like the best. buying bad noodles just to save 50 cents is silly. but you shouldn't have to pay more than $1.00 for a decent noodle/soup combo.

note: packages with two or more flavor packets are usually a sign of good ramen.

2) buy some extra goodies. this time around i used the following:

豆腐 (tofu). firmness depends on personal preference. just remember that soft/silken tofu won't be easy to pick up with chopsticks.

椎茸 (shiitake). most types of mushrooms will work in ramen. fresh are the tastiest, but frozen or dried will also work.

わかめ (wakame). this a type of seaweed. very healthy, very delicious, and very inexpensive.

キムチ (kimchi). this adds a kick and a contrasting texture. the best stuff is homemade, so i'd recommend making some korean friends.

油揚げ (aburaage). i think the english term for this is "fried tofu skin". it's often used in miso soup. i absolutely love this stuff!

other good fixins: eggs (hard-boiled, soft-boiled, or egg-drop-style), green onions, spinach, strips of meat (chicken, pork, beef), shrimp, soybean sprouts, corn, cabbage, and whatever else tickles your fancy.

note: some of these items can be hard to find outside of japan. your best bet is to find a nearby japanese or korean market.

3) preparation. know what you're doing. some things do well in boiling water for long periods of time, but most things don't. try to time when you add the ingredients, so that everything will taste it's best. DO NOT, DO NOT, DO NOT overcook the noodles! here's, let's look at how i did it:

add a large bowl's worth of water to the pot. throw in the dehydrated goods (wakame and mushrooms) and turn on the heat. cut the aburaage:

throw it into the pot. the water should be close to boiling.

while waiting for a rolling boil, cut the tofu and put in the bowl (the one used for measuring water earlier):

once the water is boiling, throw in the noodles. with a pot full of the goodies, the noodles might not submerge. don't worry—we'll flip 'em. extra points if you can do it with cooking chopsticks. flip those noodles:

different noodles have different cooking times. generally the best taste/texture is achieved by cooking just to the point when the curls have all become nearly straight. if you're unsure, it's better to undershoot the cooking time than overshoot it. the noodles will continue to soften even after removed from the heat.

pour everything over the tofu in the bowl. tofu is safe to eat as is—and it helps cool down the ramen to perfect eating temperature. as does the kimchi. finally, add the soup base and mix well. add extra water from the faucet if too much boiled out. if you've done it all right, the ramen will be delicious and just cool enough to eat really fast without burning yourself. it may look something like this:

ok, so my food has never been much on the presentation front. :-/ but it was super tasty! and really cheap. taking into account the ingredients and amounts, the whole meal cost under ¥225 (about $3.00).

have ramen ideas of your own? i'd love to hear 'em! happy bargain cooking and leave a comment!

GO-ゆっくり

ゆっくり ("yukkuri") - my new mantra. it's japanese for "slow", "slowly", or "relaxed". i generally think of it as "take it easy" when used this way:

a: what'd you do yesterday?
b: just took it easy. i've been so stressed lately—it was nice to just relax.

about two weeks ago, on my way back from kyoto (details on that) i stopped in tokyo to hang out with a friend for a few days. i was really travel weary and in no mood for shopping, sightseeing, clubbing or any other sort of normal fun city activity. so we just had a yukkuri day.

here's an outline of the day:
• mild sleeping in
• made general plans for the day
• set off at some point
• two-hour lunch (we had myanmar food. sooooo good!)—long for conversation, not over-eating
• stroll around waseda campus and nearby gardens
• 90 minutes of daytime karaoke
• shopping for dinner and ice cream ingredients
• few hours of shiritori (a japanese word game) over dinner
• home made ice cream!
• shower before bed

food is a must for yukkuri-ization. savor it! if you're with company savor the conversation too. good things shouldn't be rushed. strolls are great too. unless you're out for a power-walk, i think most people are very yukkuri with their walks already. enjoy the scenery. drink the air. clear your mind.

don't misunderstand though! yukkuri (according to me, anyway) is not the same as being lazy! if you stay at home all day mindlessly surfing the internet, watching movies, and what-have-you you're not being yukkuri. you're simply not doing anything at all.

yukkuri is doing and enjoying.

yukkuri is letting your day unfold.

yukkuri is living and being there for every moment.

of course, i tend to get a bit silly with it. i'm yukkuri in the bathroom (at least at home i am), and i think my body thanks me for it. i'm yukkuri in going places (as often as i have the luxury to leave early enough). but sometimes that's just my excuse for being slow to get ready, when in reality i'm dawdling.

i don't like rushing and being rushed. yukkuri could be the best thing ever. i just need to learn not to be lazy and procrastinate.

like that'll ever happen. ^0^

an 11-part montage of sami's last five weeks

maybe you've noticed.

maybe you haven't.

i'm a bit behind on my blogging.

but all your patience pays off right now because i have LOTS i want to write about, and OODLES of pictures to show.

so without further ado, i give you...

part 1: size

34-30-39.

i don't know what i was before starting hormones, but if i were to guess, i'd say 32-30-36.

according to wikipedia, the ideal healthy waist to hip ratio for women is 0.7, and for men is 0.9. i'm at 0.77. i can't help but feel a little shapely.

::blush::

part 2: my last attempt at a blog entry

"i'm about to finish an 800g block of gouda. i'm down to the last three slices. ugh, i'm gonna vomit."

to learn more, please check my latest vlog (youtube link on the left, yo)!

part 3: cheese follow-up

while i was back in the states earlier this month, i attempted to eat a 1lb block of kraft sharp cheddar. i finished about 80% of it and had to bail because i needed to get in a kayak and paddle with vigor. if i had continued eating the cheese, i still wouldn't have counted it because it just wouldn't seem like "one sitting".

so yeah. cheese fail #2.

part 4: the mountain behind my house

there's a "mountain" behind my house (yet in front of my front door?)!

so i like to climb it.

from my front door to the gazebo at the top takes about 1 hour at a relaxed, but steady pace.

the really cool thing? five minutes out my front door and i'm in the middle of the woods.

and these woods are pretty cool. made only cooler by weird concrete designs:

and cool highway underpasses:

the main trail from my area splits into multiple trails in the middle of the woods. both trails are super cool (and get super steep near the end). why are they super cool? because you burst out of the woods only to find yourself at the top of one of two hills—both with amazing views. it's really cool to have the sky open like that after a healthy jaunt under a dense canopy.

the gazebo is a great place to just sit and gaze out at the entire city and the ocean. here, take a look (8 shots facing 8 directions, paired in twos for better viewing pleasure):

NE / E:

SE / S:

SW / W:

NW / N:

i love how green japan is!

part 5: kyoto?

yes. i meant for that question mark to be there. why?

exhibit a:

ok, i was actually sober and awake for most of the trip. i did some really fun things including:

• 伏見稲荷大社 "fushimi inari taisha"—a huge shrine with a shit-ton of red gates (2 pictures below)
• walking around 三条 "sanjo"—a covered shopping street
• cycling from kyoto station to 鞍馬 "kurama" to go to an onsen (hot spring)—16 km
• walking around the imperial palace grounds
• general cycling around town
• cosplay karaoke!!! (picture below)

photo evidence of holiday sobriety:

in one of these three pictures i wasn't sober.

any guesses?

(^o^)

part 6: 101 in 1001

right. so i already mentioned the cheese fail.

but the successes?

• i watched the social network, up, little miss sunshine, and crash. movie progess 5/56
• i rode my bike drunk
• i read 星の王子様 ("le petit prince" in japanese). japanese novels 1/5
• i went to 2 new bars (tanya and rising sun—both in hitachi). new bars 2/20
• i sang two david bowie songs at karaoke ("space oddity" and "star man").
• i swallowed a piece of gum as i hiked the mountain behind my house (it's called 助川山 "sukegawa-yama" by the way).

and here are the almosts:

• i may or may not have won a staring contest. i can't rightly remember.
• i made avocado ice cream. oh how easily i could have turned that into a milkshake! if only i had been thinking. it was very delicious and creamy, btw.

part 7: ultimate

i played ultimate frisbee today.

part 8: exploring hitachi

one day i set out on my bike to explore this city i live in. i got sunburned. what a fool.

here are some pics:

look underneath the crane. what do you see? the gazebo on top of my "mountain"!

this pier is visible in the east-view shot from the gazebo.

the coast!

now admittedly, i had been to this pier/beach before. i cut through a lot of unknown neighborhoods on my way though. ready for more? it doesn't matter!

i'm a big fan of undisturbed nature. but this is kinda cool. and this is not the same beach, just so you know.

this is a cliff.

i am now on top of the cliff but a little further south.

unfortunately, the city is too big to adequately explore in one day. i think i'll explore a bit more when it gets cooler.

p.s. the second beach area (the last three pictures) are on the coast just north of hitachi station. google map it!

part 9: rethinking some parts of 101 in 1001

the blog weekly / vlog monthly goals are now impossible having missed over a month of both. so instead, i'll keep the overall goal number the same and have the weekly/monthly thing be a suggestion since it would help keep me on track.

part 10: painful choices

they suck. we don't really choose who we fall for, do we? but what if you fall for a friend? would you risk that friendship to see if it could become something more?

it's nice to be in love for a change (i thought i was becoming an asexual robot!). it is what it is, and willing myself out of it was both incredibly painful and ultimately unsuccessful. fingers crossed that i can enjoy emotional stability while in the throes of a love i may never confess. haha, really?

baka.

part 11: reflection

has this truly been the longest fucking blog post ever?

that i've written? yes.

that i've read? yes.

so in my reality (which you've willingly immersed yourself in) the answer is yes. this is the longest fucking blog post ever. thanks for reading!

summer of sami

summer vacation is almost here!

here are the plans so far:

this coming week:

beach beer party (the last day of school)

izakaya and karaoke (the following night)

other upcoming plans:

mcfly concert in tokyo (next week)

family reunion in northern california (early august)

kyoto trip (in the sweltering august heat)

i've made some decent progress with my 101. here are the details since the last update:

3- blog weekly (4/144)

4- vlog monthly (1/34)

40- drink beer in a bowling alley (done)

41- watch "buffy the vampire slayer" in its entirety (seasons 1/7)

55- buy an area rug (done)

my area rug is totally awesome. i luvs it. ^o^

pics next time, perhaps?

my 101 in 1001

thanks to my friend sara, i've been inspired to create a list of 101 things i want to accomplish in the next 1001 days. i'm officially starting today (june 24, 2011), which means i will finish by march 20, 2014 at 11:59:59 pm.

be forewarned, a number of the items on my list might be considered tmi ("too much information" for the layperson). here we go:

1- visit china

2- be vegetarian for 30 days (again)

3- blog weekly (0/144)

4- vlog monthly (0/34)

5- learn to play 10 new songs on the bass (0/10)

6- do the splits (front-ways)

7- do a street performance (dance or music)

8- read 50 books (0/50)

9- get rid of all my facial hair

10- translate and subtitle a japanese drama series

11- write and direct a movie

12- host a dinner party at my house (3+ guests)

13- learn how to make 10 classic drinks (0/10)

14- read 5 japanese novels (0/5)

15- record an album

16- visit australia

17- go inside a pachinko parlor

18- write a letter by hand

19- wax my legs

20- bike to mito

21- learn 5 new recipes for every meal (0/15)

22- read the qur'an

23- appear on japanese tv

24- amass a savings of 1,000,000 yen (approx. $12,000)

25- take a yoga class

26- start/join a band

27- be "out" at work

28- bring a sketchbook to the zoo and draw animals

29- memorize the lyrics to 20 japanese songs (0/20)

30- engage in a gyoza-eating competition

31- pass jlpt level 1

32- legally change my name

33- take one picture a day for 30 days in a row

34- make an animated short

35- learn 15 pop dance routines (0/15)

36- find and meet with a therapist

37- visit shikoku

38- visit okinawa

39- make my own kimchi

40- drink beer in a bowling alley

41- watch "buffy the vampire slayer" in its entirety

42- NaNoWriMo

43- learn the prefectures and capitals of japan

44- do an all-day photo shoot

45- take in a bath in something aside from water

46- develop my own series of english, japanese, and chinese lessons

47- make a friend online and meet them in real life

48- literally meet someone for a cup of coffee

49- convince a friend to visit me in japan

50- buy an apron

51- have a sleepover at my house (2+ guests)

52- go to and use the public library

53- go to 20 new bars (0/20)

54- memorize 10 monologues in english and japanese (0/20)

55- buy an area rug

56- memorize the names and numbers of the first 151 pokemon in japanese

57- make a snow angel

58- survive a summer without turning on my ac

59- write a comedy routine

60- wear sunglasses at night

61- experience love

62- do a scavenger hunt

63- learn to play the ocarina

64- draw/write a graphic novel

65- buy something just to smash it

66- eat an entire meal upside down

67- draw my self portrait with crayons

68- sleep in the storage closet under my bed

69- decide what kanji i would use to represent my name

70- organize an enkai

71- get a part time job completely unrelated to teaching

72- dress as dr. girlfriend for halloween or some other costumed occasion

73- make an avocado milkshake

74- find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie-pop

75- get rid of the boys (like you cared to know?)

76- eat a block of cheese in one sitting

77- play hide and seek with people my age

78- watch the best picture winners/nominees from 1996-2010 (0/56)

79- sing a david bowie song at karaoke

80- be homeless for a week

81- go 30 days without facebook

82- go 12 days without the internet

83- design the floor plan of my dream house

84- swallow a piece of gum

85- develop the habit of brushing and flossing daily

86- write a ransom note using letters/words cut out from magazines

87- roll down a grassy hill

88- be someone's slave for a day

89- write 70 poems (0/70)

90- fly a kite

91- win a staring contest

92- visit south korea

93- learn how to sew

94- pick up a chicken

95- make a savory vegetarian sandwich with at least 5 ingredients

96- give a high five to each of the following: a policeman, a cook, and a store clerk

97- eat fresh wasabi root

98- ride my bike while completely drunk

99- swim a mile

100- volunteer

101- lose my virginity to someone i care about

gyaku-nanpa!

first, some business.

• i found a soda that i immensely enjoy: pepsi dry. it has about 1/5 the sugar of regular pepsi and no artificial sweeteners—making for a crisp, subtle cola.

• i went to a club a few cities south of here, discovering i don't need to go all the way to tokyo to boogie.
• i just finished watching the drama 「ママは昔パパだった」 ("Mom Used to Be Dad"). once the torrents finish (i had to watch most of it on tudou) i'll add english subtitles and distribute to those interested.

the way i've set this up, the above was business, which would make the following pleasure? personal? i'll go with personal because it reminds me of the godfather.

this is more or less a public record, so i feel a little weird about saying this here, but i don't like someone. and i'm pretty sure the feeling isn't at all mutual. we have similar interests, hobbies, and what-have-you. we also are in similar living situations. i just can't like someone with such a icky heart.

to be a little less vague—this is someone who sees women as objects for the taking (and as "things" that he is entitled to), and other men (even friends) as potential obstacles. maybe i've been sheltered, and this is actually more common than i thought.

so why am i getting all riled up about some chauvinistic acquaintance? i suppose because it's personal (i knew the godfather choice would make sense!). both the girl in question and her actual love interest are friends of mine. i think it'd bother me regardless—this just makes it more unsettling.

new topic. something less upsetting.

i got proposed to on monday. by this girl:

whenever i see her, she's usually staring at me, drooling, and mumbling to herself things like 「超かっこいい」. then out of nowhere she asked me to marry her. i said "yes" of course, but i did tell her it might be logistically difficult, my being twice her age and her teacher.

and you thought my blog was slowly dying!

random bullet-point-post!

• i was recently informed that the correct way to pronounce david bowie's last name is BOW-ee (as in "people bow in japan" not "bow and arrow"). i trust the informers because they're british.

• new 5 minute long vlog tour of my apartment in japan. youtube link on the left.

• showing up to an enkai (japanese dinner/drinking party) uninvited is awkward.

• i've only been here a month, but utah feels like it was ages ago.

• being a foreigner in japan is in many ways similar to being a non-mormon in utah. maybe i just don't like to fit in?

• maintaining two identities is annoying. i'm wondering if i can get away with having everyone call me sami, even at work...

• a proper meal!

• i want to learn how to shop for groceries correctly. i tend to buy whatever, and if it's fresh it goes bad before i can remember to eat it (tofu excluded).

• roundtrip flights to most places in the u.s. are around $3000 this summer. i don't think i'll be making it back for a visit anytime soon.

• i had this wonderful unwritten list of things i wanted to start doing everyday, but then i never got in the habit of doing any of them. they are: stretching to improve flexibility, studying japanese, practicing good hygiene, working on a more female voice, and reading for pleasure.

• the flaming lips.

• i'm trying to learn how to think in metric. the only one i've managed so far is kilometers (1k = a 10 minute walk).

• that might have been a lie. i think i've got a system for celsius too (below 5 = cold, 5-15 = chilly, 15-25 = warm, above 25 = hot).

• tranny party in tokyo next week! i'm so there!

• i've officially started up beer club here. thus far i've been the only one in attendance, but i have faith that i'll find some lovers of good beer soon.

• the espresso stout:

• teaching english is fun, but teaching japanese is more fun!

in the bierit of things

about 2 weeks ago something weird happened. i was concerned that i might get fired and/or deported. but that wasn't the weird thing.

i sat alone in a hotel room in an unfamiliar city. i had no internet and no (usable) phone. and in my aloneness (and perhaps loneliness as well) as i was contemplating worst case scenarios, this weird thing happened.

"SAY IT ALREADY!"

hold your horses. this weird thing, well, i feel like it gives a good insight into my spirituality—or my sense of connection with things. so i'd like to, if i may, back up just a little bit to take a look at how my ideas and beliefs came to be where they are today.

but before i even digress, i'd like to bid a simple farewell to my phone of 4 years.

lychee, you will be missed.

speaking of phone names (most of my devices have fruit names), i still need to name my new AWESOME phone:

lucy! ok, now that we've settled that, maybe we can get back to my original tangent.

truthfully, my spiritual life began well before i left mormonism, but i had a pretty narrow view of things, which didn't make for very rapid growth. so for convenience's sake—and to not make this another "why i'm not mormon anymore" post—let's start with late fall of 2009.

i was a bit aimless at the time (being between belief systems—you know how it is), but i learned a great lesson: beer.

yes, beer. i learned that i didn't have to judge people anymore. i didn't have to put myself on some moral high ground. what do breaking the ice, reconciling differences, and making memories have in common? they all start with beer.

"come on in! grab yourself a beer from the fridge."

i know to some i'll sound like an alcoholic. so for those of you who don't get what i'm talking about, let me put it in other terms.

i'm just going to assume you like ice cream (everyone does, right?). let's say your parents raised you on a no-refined-sugar diet. you hear all the other kids talking about ice cream. you probably even see them eating it. it looks like they're having fun. but as you remember your parents warning ("if you eat ice cream you will get fat, you will get diabetes, and YOU WILL DIE!") you reassure yourself that you're better off. and besides the health risks, ice cream is just plain immoral. it leads people to do bad things—there's a definite correlation between ice cream consumption and crime rates.

and armed with your science and your sense of morality you turn your nose up at the other kids. perhaps you don't want to feel isolated so you tone it down in front of them. "oh yeah, well i don't do ice cream, but if you guys want to do it that's cool, i guess." or maybe you lay it on a bit thicker, "oh yeah, it looks good and all. i just don't want to become a fat-ass."

and then some friend of yours has a whole gallon of chocolate, and starts puking all over the place. you even hold their hair for them while that melted pancreatic blast comes shooting out of their mouth.

"i've made the right decision. i'm not like one of them," you say. and i suppose you aren't. you inevitably split ways after high school, because they're going on to experience life, and you're going elsewhere to celebrate the fact that you don't have one. because really, is a life without ice cream even a life at all?

but as you age you slowly begin to question those immutable facts you held dear for so many years. and then when you're at your weakest, an old friend offers you a scoop of moose tracks.

nothing could have prepared you for this. it's so fucking good you can't handle it. you swear off the strong stuff and dabble around in vanilla for a little while. and you start to go out again and meet people. you go to baskin robbins and ben & jerry's. you start to see people as your equals—not as malcreants. and life is sweet.

so it is with beer. sure you could overdo it or be irresponsible. but you can also do that with prescription drugs, ice cream, shopping, and the beatles.

and when (or if?) you develop your own palate for beer, you may get excited over something like this:

i finally found decent beer in japan! i have a pale ale, an amber, and an espresso stout in my fridge that i'm dying to try (though i'm not thrilled with the price: ~$5/bottle).

back to spirituality. beer helped me begin to see all people as my equals, and not as poor lost souls that i needed to help. and that's not because i became a scum-of-the-earth drunkard. rather, it's because i tore down the wall of moral superiority. and it felt (and feels) great.

and this post is already so long that i might as well get back to the weird thing without going through the rest of my spiritual journey.

i let japan go.

yes, you heard me right. i came to peace with the fact that i don't have total control over my future. and whether or not japan's in my future, i'm ready for it.

i suppose it took the threat of losing my visa and getting kicked out of the country to finally have a healthy outlook on career and life goals. but i'm ok with that.

oh, and i'm not getting fired or deported or anything like that. yet. or that i'm aware of.

i mean, there's no need for alarm. i'm in a stable work and living situation, and there's no reason to assume or predict that anything like that would happen now.

so let's just let it go, ok?

visual aid

it's not all unicorns and rainbows.

here is a chart to illustrate the above point:

though rainbows and unicorns win a clear majority, my life is at least 19% anger and sadness, and the remaining 9% is kafkaesque.

but lately, with the impending move it's felt more like 33-33-33. i'm saying goodbye to family, friends, stability, the familiar, convenience. but i'm about to welcome independence, new friends, adventure, my future.

am i entering adulthood finally? or will this be a sort of second childhood? (i'm leaning toward the second. being mature is stupid :P)

transition has felt very much on hold lately. electrolysis is moving forward quite well (my cheeks is gettin oh so smoove!), but it keeps me from shaving most of the week. beyond that though, i'm worried about going to japan and not having an in-person support network. i was hired as a man, and so for the time being that's how i'll appear in professional contexts. i'm hoping the company has a somewhat favorable attitude toward LGBT—i'll have to talk to HR once i'm there.

of course there's still plenty of things i can do without going en femme full time. i need to find a therapist and hormone doc once i'm settled in japan. i think there is a electrolysis clinic near to where i'll live. i'd like to work on speaking with a more feminine-sounding voice—meaning i need to practice at home. i need to get better at doing my makeup too, since without outside help i often give myself zombie eyes ^o^

it feels like a setback, given the momentum i had back in january, but i gotta remember that i can't do everything at once. one step at a time.

i've almost gotten rid of all my random junk i've been trying to push on everyone. seeing the dentist tomorrow. my to do list is slowly shrinking. i think i'm moving for real.

suitcase 生活

it occurs to me that i haven't kept everyone updated about my japan plans. i aim to correct that:

in 2 weeks 16 hours and 30 minutes i'll take off from los angeles, landing in tokyo 12 hours later. i'll take a bus from the airport to hitachi, ibaraki. the gig is still on.

in more practical terms though, i'm leaving utah on the 13th to go see family in california for a few days. and my flight to tokyo leaves on the 17th. so i basically have 10 days to get my affairs in order and say my goodbyes.

and speaking of getting my affairs in order...all my free yard sale stuff that doesn't get claimed in the next 5 days is going to DI. i've already begun resorting to craigslist. c'mon people! bathrobes! jumpsuits!

oh. and i started a vlog. link on the left.


p.s. i have a lot of thoughts/emotions building up right now, so i assume they'll explode pretty soon into a long blog rant. get excited! (or nervous?)