from there to here

flash back: 2 1/2 years ago. after an emotionally difficult summer, i decided to try to accept myself as being transgender—at least intellectually and emotionally. i felt that i shouldn't need to transition, and as long as i didn't ignore my gender dysphoria i'd find a way to cope. i explained this to others as being a "faith-motivated decision". in other words, my being mormon (and mormonism doesn't blend well with transsexualism), or my desire to "do what god wanted me to do" kept me from transitioning.

in retrospect, it seems there was more to it. a year later i left the church (maybe this deserves it's own in-depth post?). but it was still another year before i decided to begin transitioning. if religion were the only thing holding me back, why the year-long wait?

the bigger issue was fear, naturally. i worried "what if i never pass as a female?" "will people think i'm a fake if i don't act girly enough?" "who would want to date me?" "what if i get assaulted, raped, or killed because of this?" "will my family be cool with it?" "will my friends?" "will i be able to get a job?" "will i be able to adopt children?" "what if i'm not as 100% girl as i think i am?"

oddly enough, i never had the specific fear "will god punish me?". i knew that transitioning could very likely mean being kicked out of the mormon church (or at least being made a second-class citizen within the church). maybe final judgment was just too obscure a concept for me. *shrug*

last year i started therapy and began working through my fears. a lot of them slowly melted away, and once my confidence reached critical mass it exploded—i came out on facebook, changed my name, started hormones & electrolysis, and began presenting as female on a part-time basis.

i do still have fears—the most crippling being my fear of looking...silly. but to hell with it! here's a picture of me from last weekend in a dress for the first time since coming out:

life is change. i'd rather enjoy it than fight it. ^-^