it's official. i now live downtown. it may just be the downtown of a depressing industrial town, but at least i'm now near the train station, all the shops, and all the bars.
as i was unpacking i opened up an old journal from my freshman year of college. it was so weird looking back at my 19 year old self. i forgot how angsty, horny, and mormon (no offense) i was. at that time, i really thought i knew what love was, and i believed that some people were meant to be together. i also apparently used to hate my dad (2004 was a tough year for our relationship).
that was me 8 years ago. still, it didn't feel as though i was reading about myself. it felt like some entirely different person. nevermind a different chapter in the book of my life—that had to be a different book altogether.
maybe it's not that weird. i wasn't out as trans back then, and as a mormon my outlook on life was radically different. 8 game-changing years.
anyone had a similar experience? how have you felt when you picked up your old journal?
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Sunday, April 8, 2012
trans-japan: doctor, doctor!
yesterday i had my first appointment with a gender specialist doctor in japan.
i wasn't sure what to expect, but i tried to prepare beforehand in all the ways i could think of.
i had a copy of a letter from my american therapist. i brought my hormone prescriptions (spironolactone and estradiol). and i also made myself a little cheat sheet of relevant japanese words that i might not know off the top of my head.
the intake process began like most first-time doctor visits do. i filled out a form with my personal details and some basic medical history questions.
after a short wait i had an interview with a psychologist. she asked me a lot of general questions (family size, hometown, education level, etc.), and then some ones specific to my seeking treatment (how long i've known i'm trans, treatment i've received, etc.).
after another wait i met with the psychiatrist who runs the clinic. we went into much greater detail about my gender dysphoria. i was surprised by how unequipped i felt to answer his questions in japanese.
for example, he asked me, "what is it you don't like about being male?"
i thought for a moment and said, "there's a cultural/social aspect and a physical aspect. socially, i don't think, feel, and communicate like men do. and then physically, i sometimes feel disgust at my own body/anatomy." there were a lot of pauses as i thought how to say all that.
then he asked me, "well, what specifically do you not like about the male way of thinking/acting? please give me some examples."
and then my brain (already severely straining at this point) simply stopped working.
he encouraged me to speak in english if i couldn't get the japanese out. i couldn't really gauge his english level, but he seemed to get the gist of what i was saying.
once the intake questions were finished. he asked me point-blank, "so, you want more hormones, is that it?"
"well...yes. yes, i do. but i also want to get counseling to talk about the future."
"the future?"
"i want surgery."
he said, "alright. for today let's take care of your hormones. how much do you want? i can give you any amount."
"...uhh...? maybe like a few mo—"
"let's set your next appointment. how often do you want to come?"
"it's kind of far from home, but i'd like to do once a month." i live three hours away.
we set the next appointment, and he gave me exactly enough hormones to carry me through until the appointment.
there was a bit of a change though. japan has a medication that's identical to estradiol, but it's prohibitively expensive, so (with his recommendation) i opted to switch to premarin.
national health insurance covers counseling/therapy but i'll have to pay for my hormones out-of-pocket.
oh yeah—the final thing i did at the doctor's. he had me draw a tree. he said it was some sort of psychological test.
am i gonna screw it up? can i just draw any tree? maybe i should do a lollipop tree and be done with it. but what if that's a red flag or something? hmm, this tree looks a bit dead. lots of branches, no leaves. what does that say about me? they're probably wondering why i'm spending so much time on this tree. hmm, good enough, right?
damn doctor head-games! (>_<) haha.
i wasn't sure what to expect, but i tried to prepare beforehand in all the ways i could think of.
i had a copy of a letter from my american therapist. i brought my hormone prescriptions (spironolactone and estradiol). and i also made myself a little cheat sheet of relevant japanese words that i might not know off the top of my head.
the intake process began like most first-time doctor visits do. i filled out a form with my personal details and some basic medical history questions.
after a short wait i had an interview with a psychologist. she asked me a lot of general questions (family size, hometown, education level, etc.), and then some ones specific to my seeking treatment (how long i've known i'm trans, treatment i've received, etc.).
after another wait i met with the psychiatrist who runs the clinic. we went into much greater detail about my gender dysphoria. i was surprised by how unequipped i felt to answer his questions in japanese.
for example, he asked me, "what is it you don't like about being male?"
i thought for a moment and said, "there's a cultural/social aspect and a physical aspect. socially, i don't think, feel, and communicate like men do. and then physically, i sometimes feel disgust at my own body/anatomy." there were a lot of pauses as i thought how to say all that.
then he asked me, "well, what specifically do you not like about the male way of thinking/acting? please give me some examples."
and then my brain (already severely straining at this point) simply stopped working.
he encouraged me to speak in english if i couldn't get the japanese out. i couldn't really gauge his english level, but he seemed to get the gist of what i was saying.
once the intake questions were finished. he asked me point-blank, "so, you want more hormones, is that it?"
"well...yes. yes, i do. but i also want to get counseling to talk about the future."
"the future?"
"i want surgery."
he said, "alright. for today let's take care of your hormones. how much do you want? i can give you any amount."
"...uhh...? maybe like a few mo—"
"let's set your next appointment. how often do you want to come?"
"it's kind of far from home, but i'd like to do once a month." i live three hours away.
we set the next appointment, and he gave me exactly enough hormones to carry me through until the appointment.
there was a bit of a change though. japan has a medication that's identical to estradiol, but it's prohibitively expensive, so (with his recommendation) i opted to switch to premarin.
national health insurance covers counseling/therapy but i'll have to pay for my hormones out-of-pocket.
oh yeah—the final thing i did at the doctor's. he had me draw a tree. he said it was some sort of psychological test.
am i gonna screw it up? can i just draw any tree? maybe i should do a lollipop tree and be done with it. but what if that's a red flag or something? hmm, this tree looks a bit dead. lots of branches, no leaves. what does that say about me? they're probably wondering why i'm spending so much time on this tree. hmm, good enough, right?
damn doctor head-games! (>_<) haha.
Monday, April 2, 2012
ideas for change
up until now i've been using tags (labels) to mark the main topics of any given post. being in japanese, they're probably only useful to me.
going back and switching them all over to english is not an idea that appeals to me, but maybe there is something i can do to improve the organization of tanuki talk.
and so, i'm introducing columns! by column i mean section, like in a newspaper. the blog won't change visually so much, but now you'll see what you're getting into when you read a post title (they can be cryptic sometimes).
for example, a post about food could be titled "munchies: my conversion to goya"—with "munchies" being the column title of any post about food.
it's late, and i'm tired. so we'll call it good with two columns for now. "munchies" for food posts and "trans-japan" for posts relating to being transgender in japan.
going back and switching them all over to english is not an idea that appeals to me, but maybe there is something i can do to improve the organization of tanuki talk.
and so, i'm introducing columns! by column i mean section, like in a newspaper. the blog won't change visually so much, but now you'll see what you're getting into when you read a post title (they can be cryptic sometimes).
for example, a post about food could be titled "munchies: my conversion to goya"—with "munchies" being the column title of any post about food.
it's late, and i'm tired. so we'll call it good with two columns for now. "munchies" for food posts and "trans-japan" for posts relating to being transgender in japan.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
three thirteen
i've recently started getting into podcasts, which is great because i have a 30-minute walking commute.
thus far, i've listened to "trans-ponder" (a podcast by two trans-women who discuss transgender issues) and "this american life" (a public radio news show that focuses on a different theme each episode). here, check 'em out:
i'm testing out a few others, but i'll hold off on naming them now in case i lose interest by episode 2.
i had been feeling a bit isolated and cut off from the outside world (beyond the bubble of this city)—i don't have any trans friends here, and only one good friend who's american.
but now i feel a little more grounded. (^-^) thanks, podcasts!
i have an appointment to see a doctor (transgender specialist) in about 3 1/2 weeks. i'm a little nervous that i'll have to start from square one, since we're talking new country new doctor. :-/
maybe i should translate my letters from my last therapist into japanese...
i've been thinking a bit lately about transition and where i am at the moment. i'm mostly in boy-mode / androgynous-mode, all the while taking hormones and taking care of permanent facial hair removal.
i think people get a weird impression of me. quite a few people have assumed (or at least questioned) that i'm gay. i don't imagine people would think i'm trans, without my telling them.
does it bother me? not really. just an observation (^o^)
i bet things will just slowly shift from "he's gay...?" to "she's a he...?" and maybe ultimately to "she's a lesbian...?"
or maybe not. don't know if i'm that butch.
thus far, i've listened to "trans-ponder" (a podcast by two trans-women who discuss transgender issues) and "this american life" (a public radio news show that focuses on a different theme each episode). here, check 'em out:
i'm testing out a few others, but i'll hold off on naming them now in case i lose interest by episode 2.
i had been feeling a bit isolated and cut off from the outside world (beyond the bubble of this city)—i don't have any trans friends here, and only one good friend who's american.
but now i feel a little more grounded. (^-^) thanks, podcasts!
i have an appointment to see a doctor (transgender specialist) in about 3 1/2 weeks. i'm a little nervous that i'll have to start from square one, since we're talking new country new doctor. :-/
maybe i should translate my letters from my last therapist into japanese...
i've been thinking a bit lately about transition and where i am at the moment. i'm mostly in boy-mode / androgynous-mode, all the while taking hormones and taking care of permanent facial hair removal.
i think people get a weird impression of me. quite a few people have assumed (or at least questioned) that i'm gay. i don't imagine people would think i'm trans, without my telling them.
does it bother me? not really. just an observation (^o^)
i bet things will just slowly shift from "he's gay...?" to "she's a he...?" and maybe ultimately to "she's a lesbian...?"
or maybe not. don't know if i'm that butch.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
リンゴ酢 yo
i'm not sure how i forgot to mention this, but my head is all better!
so how did i do it? behold!
apple cider vinegar.
yup. 1 part water, 1 part acv. used it like shampoo. two weeks later, my head was good as new.
i learned some interesting facts along the way.
in other news, naruto:
so how did i do it? behold!
apple cider vinegar.
yup. 1 part water, 1 part acv. used it like shampoo. two weeks later, my head was good as new.
i learned some interesting facts along the way.
- vinegar burns your eyes. i would have guessed as much, but now i know.
- vinegar stings on open wounds and freshly shaven skin. i wasn't sure about sunburns, but i decided against testing it out last week after i got bright pink from a day of snowboarding.
- vinegar odors dissipate quickly. i usually stop smelling like a salad about an hour after showering.
in other news, naruto:
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
life
here we go—the second post i've been meaning to write.
on valentine's day i went out with some friends for dinner to an awesome ramen place here in hitachi. i gave them their valentine's chocolates (see previous post) as we were just finishing up our bowls.
my phone vibrated—it was a facebook notification. it was a wall post from a friend back in america. i hadn't heard from him in a long while, so i was anxious to see what was up.
he posted a link whose caption read: "Melissa Joy Dietzel: Decomposing body of woman found 30ft up tree in Sydney is missing US tourist".
what.
the.
hell.
???????????
melissa WROTE the article? no...melissa IS the decomposing body?
it's a joke. he posted some sick joke on my wall.
he's said some pretty mean things about her before. but...really?
load. load. FUCKING LOAD!
"Was it suicide?...decomposing body of a young woman...the remains of Melissa Joy Dietzel, 22, of Redlands, California, were found by a tree surgeon..."
ramen ended awkwardly. i don't think my friends knew what to say. i didn't know what to say.
when i got home i poured over every article i could get my hands on. i read all the posts on her wall back to when she was last heard from in november.
but what was i to her? what was she to me? i didn't even know that she had been missing!
we hadn't spoken in quite a few months. we last hung out a few weeks before i moved to japan last april.
when did i first meet melissa? was it 2009?
i remember it was the fourth of july. swappo met her at smith's or a 7-11 or something and invited her to hang out with us.
we hung out a lot that summer. must've been 2010 (i was in japan in the summer of 2009). really? i'd only known her for a year and a half?
was it really a suicide? there must have been some sort of foul play. she wouldn't have taken her own life!
she was so chill. down to earth. upbeat. people like HER don't just call it quits.
my thoughts were all over the place.
i know somewhere, someone has written down the stages of grief.
i don't really care to look up what they are, but here's what i felt:
"shock" --> "denial" --> "bizarro" --> "sad" --> "bittersweet" --> "sad (again)" --> "wait, did something happen?" --> "reflective" --> "distracted" --> "anxious to blog"
i'm sorry i just vomited all over you, but i needed to get it out.
life gives us lessons, and death does too. it may be a futile hope, but i want to keep this feeling—that life is too short to be mean or petty. you just gotta love.
hope i can be as rad as you someday. you are and will be missed.
on valentine's day i went out with some friends for dinner to an awesome ramen place here in hitachi. i gave them their valentine's chocolates (see previous post) as we were just finishing up our bowls.
my phone vibrated—it was a facebook notification. it was a wall post from a friend back in america. i hadn't heard from him in a long while, so i was anxious to see what was up.
he posted a link whose caption read: "Melissa Joy Dietzel: Decomposing body of woman found 30ft up tree in Sydney is missing US tourist".
what.
the.
hell.
???????????
melissa WROTE the article? no...melissa IS the decomposing body?
it's a joke. he posted some sick joke on my wall.
he's said some pretty mean things about her before. but...really?
load. load. FUCKING LOAD!
"Was it suicide?...decomposing body of a young woman...the remains of Melissa Joy Dietzel, 22, of Redlands, California, were found by a tree surgeon..."
---------------------------
ramen ended awkwardly. i don't think my friends knew what to say. i didn't know what to say.
when i got home i poured over every article i could get my hands on. i read all the posts on her wall back to when she was last heard from in november.
but what was i to her? what was she to me? i didn't even know that she had been missing!
we hadn't spoken in quite a few months. we last hung out a few weeks before i moved to japan last april.
when did i first meet melissa? was it 2009?
i remember it was the fourth of july. swappo met her at smith's or a 7-11 or something and invited her to hang out with us.
we hung out a lot that summer. must've been 2010 (i was in japan in the summer of 2009). really? i'd only known her for a year and a half?
was it really a suicide? there must have been some sort of foul play. she wouldn't have taken her own life!
she was so chill. down to earth. upbeat. people like HER don't just call it quits.
---------------------------
my thoughts were all over the place.
i know somewhere, someone has written down the stages of grief.
i don't really care to look up what they are, but here's what i felt:
"shock" --> "denial" --> "bizarro" --> "sad" --> "bittersweet" --> "sad (again)" --> "wait, did something happen?" --> "reflective" --> "distracted" --> "anxious to blog"
---------------------------
i'm sorry i just vomited all over you, but i needed to get it out.
life gives us lessons, and death does too. it may be a futile hope, but i want to keep this feeling—that life is too short to be mean or petty. you just gotta love.
---------------------------
hope i can be as rad as you someday. you are and will be missed.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
the first
i have a lot to write about. let's see if i can't get back into blogging on a regular basis.
now, i don't want to overwhelm you (or myself, for that matter). that's why i'm only going to cover one topic in this post.
the topic? chocolate!
in the weeks leading up to valentine's, japan became focused on one thing: chocolate. and i felt that i should join in on the excitement.
you see, valentine's day is special in japan. it's a day when a girl gives chocolate to the boy she likes. typically she makes it herself (store-bought chocolates just lack that personal touch, ya know?). of course, she also makes chocolate for her friends (義理チョコ girichoko - "obligation chocolate").
now, i don't have a boy i like (or a girl), so i decided to just make some girichoko. originally i planned to make enough for all the other teachers at work, but...well, we'll get to that.
making chocolate!
so i found a nice confectionary cookbook at my school library, and i took a picture of some key pages on chocolate making.
here's the recipe i ended up going with:
it's a pretty simple one. chocolate nut clusters.
i didn't have a thermometer, which meant a little bit of guesswork. and i didn't have the patience to cut the chocolate into fine bits before i melted it down, so i'm sure i strayed pretty far from the temperatures i was supposed to aim for.
and not having an oven i had to roast the nuts on an electric stove in a nonstick pan. definitely less than ideal. i nearly burned some, while others remained blissfully raw.
again being lazy, i didn't want to chop the almonds by hand, so i stuck 'em in my coffee grinder. within 2 seconds i had nut powder. oops. i decided to chop the rest of the nuts with a knife.
temperature control with the chocolate was difficult once i added the nuts. the first few globs of nutty chocolate i put on the sheet looked alright, but the chocolate was slowly hardening and becoming more difficult to coax off of the spoon. so the last 10 looked a bit choppy.
well you can see for yourself:
i sprinkled some coconut on top, hoping it would stick since the chocolate was still quite soft. it didn't really stick, but it was a nice thought.
the batch was supposed to yield 20, but because the chocolate was hardening i had less control of the size of each successive piece. i ended up with 15, and had enough ingredients to make another batch. but i needed 40 for everyone to have one. so i thought, better that no one gets them than some people feel left out.
so i just called it good, and dedicated the batch to my friends (who i would have made a third batch for, had portions worked out properly).
it was well received, so i either did something right, or i have nice friends.
and now i can make chocolate (i think)!
now, i don't want to overwhelm you (or myself, for that matter). that's why i'm only going to cover one topic in this post.
the topic? chocolate!
in the weeks leading up to valentine's, japan became focused on one thing: chocolate. and i felt that i should join in on the excitement.
you see, valentine's day is special in japan. it's a day when a girl gives chocolate to the boy she likes. typically she makes it herself (store-bought chocolates just lack that personal touch, ya know?). of course, she also makes chocolate for her friends (義理チョコ girichoko - "obligation chocolate").
now, i don't have a boy i like (or a girl), so i decided to just make some girichoko. originally i planned to make enough for all the other teachers at work, but...well, we'll get to that.
making chocolate!
so i found a nice confectionary cookbook at my school library, and i took a picture of some key pages on chocolate making.
here's the recipe i ended up going with:
it's a pretty simple one. chocolate nut clusters.
i didn't have a thermometer, which meant a little bit of guesswork. and i didn't have the patience to cut the chocolate into fine bits before i melted it down, so i'm sure i strayed pretty far from the temperatures i was supposed to aim for.
and not having an oven i had to roast the nuts on an electric stove in a nonstick pan. definitely less than ideal. i nearly burned some, while others remained blissfully raw.
again being lazy, i didn't want to chop the almonds by hand, so i stuck 'em in my coffee grinder. within 2 seconds i had nut powder. oops. i decided to chop the rest of the nuts with a knife.
temperature control with the chocolate was difficult once i added the nuts. the first few globs of nutty chocolate i put on the sheet looked alright, but the chocolate was slowly hardening and becoming more difficult to coax off of the spoon. so the last 10 looked a bit choppy.
well you can see for yourself:
i sprinkled some coconut on top, hoping it would stick since the chocolate was still quite soft. it didn't really stick, but it was a nice thought.
the batch was supposed to yield 20, but because the chocolate was hardening i had less control of the size of each successive piece. i ended up with 15, and had enough ingredients to make another batch. but i needed 40 for everyone to have one. so i thought, better that no one gets them than some people feel left out.
so i just called it good, and dedicated the batch to my friends (who i would have made a third batch for, had portions worked out properly).
it was well received, so i either did something right, or i have nice friends.
and now i can make chocolate (i think)!
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