GO-ゆっくり

ゆっくり ("yukkuri") - my new mantra. it's japanese for "slow", "slowly", or "relaxed". i generally think of it as "take it easy" when used this way:

a: what'd you do yesterday?
b: just took it easy. i've been so stressed lately—it was nice to just relax.

about two weeks ago, on my way back from kyoto (details on that) i stopped in tokyo to hang out with a friend for a few days. i was really travel weary and in no mood for shopping, sightseeing, clubbing or any other sort of normal fun city activity. so we just had a yukkuri day.

here's an outline of the day:
• mild sleeping in
• made general plans for the day
• set off at some point
• two-hour lunch (we had myanmar food. sooooo good!)—long for conversation, not over-eating
• stroll around waseda campus and nearby gardens
• 90 minutes of daytime karaoke
• shopping for dinner and ice cream ingredients
• few hours of shiritori (a japanese word game) over dinner
• home made ice cream!
• shower before bed

food is a must for yukkuri-ization. savor it! if you're with company savor the conversation too. good things shouldn't be rushed. strolls are great too. unless you're out for a power-walk, i think most people are very yukkuri with their walks already. enjoy the scenery. drink the air. clear your mind.

don't misunderstand though! yukkuri (according to me, anyway) is not the same as being lazy! if you stay at home all day mindlessly surfing the internet, watching movies, and what-have-you you're not being yukkuri. you're simply not doing anything at all.

yukkuri is doing and enjoying.

yukkuri is letting your day unfold.

yukkuri is living and being there for every moment.

of course, i tend to get a bit silly with it. i'm yukkuri in the bathroom (at least at home i am), and i think my body thanks me for it. i'm yukkuri in going places (as often as i have the luxury to leave early enough). but sometimes that's just my excuse for being slow to get ready, when in reality i'm dawdling.

i don't like rushing and being rushed. yukkuri could be the best thing ever. i just need to learn not to be lazy and procrastinate.

like that'll ever happen. ^0^

untitled - but still subtitled!

another ex just got married. booooo!

i think i'd find it more amusing if i weren't in a weird place emotionally right now. amusing? don't i sound smug.

and was that a bit too leading?—weird place emotionally. i'll have to write about it now, won't i?

==PAUSE==

what's too private to blog about? i volunteer a good deal of personal information, though i think i've been pretty careful about mentioning other people's names. i do it on occasion, but only when i think nobody stands to be harmed by being named.

i've been pretty happy with my level of intimacy in blogging, but lately i've been finding it hard to write. i second guess some things as being "not interesting enough to share", some i think "it'd be pretty obvious who i'd be talking about here...and there's a high probability they'd read this", and everything else has just been too hard to put to words.

but today i'm gonna be a bit more forthcoming. and there's no way that this is not a good idea.

(i think the emotions have taken over)

==UNPAUSE==

i've got the blues. and i have some theories as to why:

1) lack of stability in life for the last month

this one's obvious. no work. 9 days in the states. 5 days in kyoto. 2 days in tokyo. staying over at friends' houses. day trips to nearby cities. being absolutely skint for most of the month. (i think i'm turning english @_@)

2) unrequited love

nobody likes a moaner, so i'll be brief with this one. i'm somewhere between like, love, and major crush with a really good friend of mine. being apart and being together both come with their own brand of emotional trauma.

3) poor diet

maybe this should fall under the "lack of stability" category as well. eating binges, fasting, periodic heavy drinking, random intense caffeine episodes, and a lot of fast food. it's been tapering off, but i think i'm still in the wake of it all.

4) lack of therapy

i haven't seen a therapist since april-ish. and i don't decompress as often as i should.

5) growing feeling of letting myself down

in multiple ways—poor time-management, no progress with my acting ambitions, not keeping in decent contact with friends and family, transition slow-down, not getting any better at japanese...

so which one is it?

silly question. it's all of them together, of course.

and i just got a kick-in-the-groin email that actually had me entertain the idea of cutting off ties with the sender. i doubt i actually will. no, in fact i won't. it's a little embarrassing to admit this, but part of the reason i don't want to get nasty in my response is because i think he'd get self-satisfied if i did. so i'm going to be civil out of spite. somewhat. :-/

my plan for getting out of this ditch (i'm making this up as i go):

• go to bed tonight within 2 hours (so i have until 1:01 am)
• take a shower before that
• have good tunes at the ready
• resume my tofu breakfasts
• start studying/reviewing japanese junior high level kanji
• do some more 101 shit (like the facebook fast?)
• go to the laser clinic

yeah, i gotta pee. so that's all the list we're gonna have.

was i even that brutally honest? just seems like a normal post, looking back at it. oh well :(

an 11-part montage of sami's last five weeks

maybe you've noticed.

maybe you haven't.

i'm a bit behind on my blogging.

but all your patience pays off right now because i have LOTS i want to write about, and OODLES of pictures to show.

so without further ado, i give you...

part 1: size

34-30-39.

i don't know what i was before starting hormones, but if i were to guess, i'd say 32-30-36.

according to wikipedia, the ideal healthy waist to hip ratio for women is 0.7, and for men is 0.9. i'm at 0.77. i can't help but feel a little shapely.

::blush::

part 2: my last attempt at a blog entry

"i'm about to finish an 800g block of gouda. i'm down to the last three slices. ugh, i'm gonna vomit."

to learn more, please check my latest vlog (youtube link on the left, yo)!

part 3: cheese follow-up

while i was back in the states earlier this month, i attempted to eat a 1lb block of kraft sharp cheddar. i finished about 80% of it and had to bail because i needed to get in a kayak and paddle with vigor. if i had continued eating the cheese, i still wouldn't have counted it because it just wouldn't seem like "one sitting".

so yeah. cheese fail #2.

part 4: the mountain behind my house

there's a "mountain" behind my house (yet in front of my front door?)!

so i like to climb it.

from my front door to the gazebo at the top takes about 1 hour at a relaxed, but steady pace.

the really cool thing? five minutes out my front door and i'm in the middle of the woods.

and these woods are pretty cool. made only cooler by weird concrete designs:

and cool highway underpasses:

the main trail from my area splits into multiple trails in the middle of the woods. both trails are super cool (and get super steep near the end). why are they super cool? because you burst out of the woods only to find yourself at the top of one of two hills—both with amazing views. it's really cool to have the sky open like that after a healthy jaunt under a dense canopy.

the gazebo is a great place to just sit and gaze out at the entire city and the ocean. here, take a look (8 shots facing 8 directions, paired in twos for better viewing pleasure):

NE / E:

SE / S:

SW / W:

NW / N:

i love how green japan is!

part 5: kyoto?

yes. i meant for that question mark to be there. why?

exhibit a:

ok, i was actually sober and awake for most of the trip. i did some really fun things including:

• 伏見稲荷大社 "fushimi inari taisha"—a huge shrine with a shit-ton of red gates (2 pictures below)
• walking around 三条 "sanjo"—a covered shopping street
• cycling from kyoto station to 鞍馬 "kurama" to go to an onsen (hot spring)—16 km
• walking around the imperial palace grounds
• general cycling around town
• cosplay karaoke!!! (picture below)

photo evidence of holiday sobriety:

in one of these three pictures i wasn't sober.

any guesses?

(^o^)

part 6: 101 in 1001

right. so i already mentioned the cheese fail.

but the successes?

• i watched the social network, up, little miss sunshine, and crash. movie progess 5/56
• i rode my bike drunk
• i read 星の王子様 ("le petit prince" in japanese). japanese novels 1/5
• i went to 2 new bars (tanya and rising sun—both in hitachi). new bars 2/20
• i sang two david bowie songs at karaoke ("space oddity" and "star man").
• i swallowed a piece of gum as i hiked the mountain behind my house (it's called 助川山 "sukegawa-yama" by the way).

and here are the almosts:

• i may or may not have won a staring contest. i can't rightly remember.
• i made avocado ice cream. oh how easily i could have turned that into a milkshake! if only i had been thinking. it was very delicious and creamy, btw.

part 7: ultimate

i played ultimate frisbee today.

part 8: exploring hitachi

one day i set out on my bike to explore this city i live in. i got sunburned. what a fool.

here are some pics:

look underneath the crane. what do you see? the gazebo on top of my "mountain"!

this pier is visible in the east-view shot from the gazebo.

the coast!

now admittedly, i had been to this pier/beach before. i cut through a lot of unknown neighborhoods on my way though. ready for more? it doesn't matter!

i'm a big fan of undisturbed nature. but this is kinda cool. and this is not the same beach, just so you know.

this is a cliff.

i am now on top of the cliff but a little further south.

unfortunately, the city is too big to adequately explore in one day. i think i'll explore a bit more when it gets cooler.

p.s. the second beach area (the last three pictures) are on the coast just north of hitachi station. google map it!

part 9: rethinking some parts of 101 in 1001

the blog weekly / vlog monthly goals are now impossible having missed over a month of both. so instead, i'll keep the overall goal number the same and have the weekly/monthly thing be a suggestion since it would help keep me on track.

part 10: painful choices

they suck. we don't really choose who we fall for, do we? but what if you fall for a friend? would you risk that friendship to see if it could become something more?

it's nice to be in love for a change (i thought i was becoming an asexual robot!). it is what it is, and willing myself out of it was both incredibly painful and ultimately unsuccessful. fingers crossed that i can enjoy emotional stability while in the throes of a love i may never confess. haha, really?

baka.

part 11: reflection

has this truly been the longest fucking blog post ever?

that i've written? yes.

that i've read? yes.

so in my reality (which you've willingly immersed yourself in) the answer is yes. this is the longest fucking blog post ever. thanks for reading!

summer of sami

summer vacation is almost here!

here are the plans so far:

this coming week:

beach beer party (the last day of school)

izakaya and karaoke (the following night)

other upcoming plans:

mcfly concert in tokyo (next week)

family reunion in northern california (early august)

kyoto trip (in the sweltering august heat)

i've made some decent progress with my 101. here are the details since the last update:

3- blog weekly (4/144)

4- vlog monthly (1/34)

40- drink beer in a bowling alley (done)

41- watch "buffy the vampire slayer" in its entirety (seasons 1/7)

55- buy an area rug (done)

my area rug is totally awesome. i luvs it. ^o^

pics next time, perhaps?

"give me a second to write the damn title!"

i've always been weird.

throughout middle school and high school i wore shorts everyday to school. even in the coldest winter's chill. that sort of thing doesn't exactly go unnoticed, so to a lot of people i was "that shorts kid".

to this day i don't know why i did it. i had all sorts of reasons i'd give people at the time. "shorts are more comfortable," or "i don't really get cold," were the most common, perhaps. and there was some truth to both of those things, but that doesn't explain why i'd wear shorts in 0ºF weather—because i remember being very cold on those days.

over the last few years (5 or so?) i've been slowly letting go of my need to know why for a lot of things. "why am i transgender?" was the first big why-question i let go. thinking back on the shorts, though, knowing why wouldn't change much for me. i'm a very different person now than i was at age 12 (or 18). sure, there are probably things i could learn about myself if i could go back in time and psychoanalyze the younger me. but in trying to reflect on the whys of yore, i'd essentially be grasping at a shadow—and most of what i'd find would be invented by my brain as it unconsciously fills in the memory gaps.

 + + my friends keep telling me i think too much. well, the exact quote is "you overanalyze things too much." maybe there's some truth to that ^o^ + +

i'm not going to obsess over "why the shorts?" but the whole reason i started typing this was because just a moment ago i remembered how i did it.

i read lois lowry's the giver at some point toward the end of elementary school. and from then on whenever i got cold, i'd copy what jonas did to keep the baby warm. he transferred/shared memories of sunshine, warm places, etc. and those thoughts kept them both alive in their trek at the end of the book. it worked for me too. i would think of the beach—the hot sand, the warm breeze, the south carolina sun. i'd stop shivering and the goose bumps would go away.

it's so hot and humid at the moment, that i was thinking i ought to try using the reverse technique to help myself cool down. then my thoughts unfolded more or less as follows: "the giver...the giver...shorts! i used the giver to stay warm! what a weird memory. blog time!"

follow-up

a breakdown of some of the 101:

13- the list of ten drinks:
• bloody mary
• cosmopolitan
• eggnog
• long island iced tea
• manhattan
• margarita
• martini
• old fashioned
• piña colada
• tequila sunrise

78- the best picture winners/nominees from the last 15 years that i haven't seen:
• 8 from 2010 - the king's speech, black swan, the fighter, the kids are all right, the social network, toy story 3, true grit, winter's bone
• 6 from 2009 - the blind side, district 9, an education, precious, up, up in the air
• 4 from 2008 - the curious case of benjamin button, frost/nixon, milk, the reader
• 2 from 2007 - atonement, michael clayton
• 4 from 2006 - babel, letters from iwo jima, little miss sunshine, the queen
• 5 from 2005 - crash, brokeback mountain, capote, good night and good luck, munich
• 5 from 2004 - million dollar baby, the aviator, finding neverland, ray, sideways
• 3 from 2003 - master and commander, mystic river, seabiscuit
• 4 from 2002 - chicago, gangs of new york, the hours, the pianist
• 3 from 2001 - gosford park, in the bedroom, moulin rouge
• 2 from 2000 - erin brockovich, traffic
• 3 from 1999 - the cider house rules, the green mile, the insider
• 2 from 1998 - elizabeth, saving private ryan
• 2 from 1997 - the full monty, good will hunting
• 3 from 1996 - the english patient, secrets & lies, shine

and an update:

• i watched true grit yesterday. movie progress: 1/56
• i'm trying to put 1000 yen into savings everyday, but i just ran out of money so i'm using 1 yen coins as place holders until i can go to the bank. current total: ¥2001
• i blogged last week and with this post am blogging this week as well. weekly blogging: 2/144

my 101 in 1001

thanks to my friend sara, i've been inspired to create a list of 101 things i want to accomplish in the next 1001 days. i'm officially starting today (june 24, 2011), which means i will finish by march 20, 2014 at 11:59:59 pm.

be forewarned, a number of the items on my list might be considered tmi ("too much information" for the layperson). here we go:

1- visit china

2- be vegetarian for 30 days (again)

3- blog weekly (0/144)

4- vlog monthly (0/34)

5- learn to play 10 new songs on the bass (0/10)

6- do the splits (front-ways)

7- do a street performance (dance or music)

8- read 50 books (0/50)

9- get rid of all my facial hair

10- translate and subtitle a japanese drama series

11- write and direct a movie

12- host a dinner party at my house (3+ guests)

13- learn how to make 10 classic drinks (0/10)

14- read 5 japanese novels (0/5)

15- record an album

16- visit australia

17- go inside a pachinko parlor

18- write a letter by hand

19- wax my legs

20- bike to mito

21- learn 5 new recipes for every meal (0/15)

22- read the qur'an

23- appear on japanese tv

24- amass a savings of 1,000,000 yen (approx. $12,000)

25- take a yoga class

26- start/join a band

27- be "out" at work

28- bring a sketchbook to the zoo and draw animals

29- memorize the lyrics to 20 japanese songs (0/20)

30- engage in a gyoza-eating competition

31- pass jlpt level 1

32- legally change my name

33- take one picture a day for 30 days in a row

34- make an animated short

35- learn 15 pop dance routines (0/15)

36- find and meet with a therapist

37- visit shikoku

38- visit okinawa

39- make my own kimchi

40- drink beer in a bowling alley

41- watch "buffy the vampire slayer" in its entirety

42- NaNoWriMo

43- learn the prefectures and capitals of japan

44- do an all-day photo shoot

45- take in a bath in something aside from water

46- develop my own series of english, japanese, and chinese lessons

47- make a friend online and meet them in real life

48- literally meet someone for a cup of coffee

49- convince a friend to visit me in japan

50- buy an apron

51- have a sleepover at my house (2+ guests)

52- go to and use the public library

53- go to 20 new bars (0/20)

54- memorize 10 monologues in english and japanese (0/20)

55- buy an area rug

56- memorize the names and numbers of the first 151 pokemon in japanese

57- make a snow angel

58- survive a summer without turning on my ac

59- write a comedy routine

60- wear sunglasses at night

61- experience love

62- do a scavenger hunt

63- learn to play the ocarina

64- draw/write a graphic novel

65- buy something just to smash it

66- eat an entire meal upside down

67- draw my self portrait with crayons

68- sleep in the storage closet under my bed

69- decide what kanji i would use to represent my name

70- organize an enkai

71- get a part time job completely unrelated to teaching

72- dress as dr. girlfriend for halloween or some other costumed occasion

73- make an avocado milkshake

74- find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie-pop

75- get rid of the boys (like you cared to know?)

76- eat a block of cheese in one sitting

77- play hide and seek with people my age

78- watch the best picture winners/nominees from 1996-2010 (0/56)

79- sing a david bowie song at karaoke

80- be homeless for a week

81- go 30 days without facebook

82- go 12 days without the internet

83- design the floor plan of my dream house

84- swallow a piece of gum

85- develop the habit of brushing and flossing daily

86- write a ransom note using letters/words cut out from magazines

87- roll down a grassy hill

88- be someone's slave for a day

89- write 70 poems (0/70)

90- fly a kite

91- win a staring contest

92- visit south korea

93- learn how to sew

94- pick up a chicken

95- make a savory vegetarian sandwich with at least 5 ingredients

96- give a high five to each of the following: a policeman, a cook, and a store clerk

97- eat fresh wasabi root

98- ride my bike while completely drunk

99- swim a mile

100- volunteer

101- lose my virginity to someone i care about