"give me a second to write the damn title!"

i've always been weird.

throughout middle school and high school i wore shorts everyday to school. even in the coldest winter's chill. that sort of thing doesn't exactly go unnoticed, so to a lot of people i was "that shorts kid".

to this day i don't know why i did it. i had all sorts of reasons i'd give people at the time. "shorts are more comfortable," or "i don't really get cold," were the most common, perhaps. and there was some truth to both of those things, but that doesn't explain why i'd wear shorts in 0ºF weather—because i remember being very cold on those days.

over the last few years (5 or so?) i've been slowly letting go of my need to know why for a lot of things. "why am i transgender?" was the first big why-question i let go. thinking back on the shorts, though, knowing why wouldn't change much for me. i'm a very different person now than i was at age 12 (or 18). sure, there are probably things i could learn about myself if i could go back in time and psychoanalyze the younger me. but in trying to reflect on the whys of yore, i'd essentially be grasping at a shadow—and most of what i'd find would be invented by my brain as it unconsciously fills in the memory gaps.

 + + my friends keep telling me i think too much. well, the exact quote is "you overanalyze things too much." maybe there's some truth to that ^o^ + +

i'm not going to obsess over "why the shorts?" but the whole reason i started typing this was because just a moment ago i remembered how i did it.

i read lois lowry's the giver at some point toward the end of elementary school. and from then on whenever i got cold, i'd copy what jonas did to keep the baby warm. he transferred/shared memories of sunshine, warm places, etc. and those thoughts kept them both alive in their trek at the end of the book. it worked for me too. i would think of the beach—the hot sand, the warm breeze, the south carolina sun. i'd stop shivering and the goose bumps would go away.

it's so hot and humid at the moment, that i was thinking i ought to try using the reverse technique to help myself cool down. then my thoughts unfolded more or less as follows: "the giver...the giver...shorts! i used the giver to stay warm! what a weird memory. blog time!"

follow-up

a breakdown of some of the 101:

13- the list of ten drinks:
• bloody mary
• cosmopolitan
• eggnog
• long island iced tea
• manhattan
• margarita
• martini
• old fashioned
• piña colada
• tequila sunrise

78- the best picture winners/nominees from the last 15 years that i haven't seen:
• 8 from 2010 - the king's speech, black swan, the fighter, the kids are all right, the social network, toy story 3, true grit, winter's bone
• 6 from 2009 - the blind side, district 9, an education, precious, up, up in the air
• 4 from 2008 - the curious case of benjamin button, frost/nixon, milk, the reader
• 2 from 2007 - atonement, michael clayton
• 4 from 2006 - babel, letters from iwo jima, little miss sunshine, the queen
• 5 from 2005 - crash, brokeback mountain, capote, good night and good luck, munich
• 5 from 2004 - million dollar baby, the aviator, finding neverland, ray, sideways
• 3 from 2003 - master and commander, mystic river, seabiscuit
• 4 from 2002 - chicago, gangs of new york, the hours, the pianist
• 3 from 2001 - gosford park, in the bedroom, moulin rouge
• 2 from 2000 - erin brockovich, traffic
• 3 from 1999 - the cider house rules, the green mile, the insider
• 2 from 1998 - elizabeth, saving private ryan
• 2 from 1997 - the full monty, good will hunting
• 3 from 1996 - the english patient, secrets & lies, shine

and an update:

• i watched true grit yesterday. movie progress: 1/56
• i'm trying to put 1000 yen into savings everyday, but i just ran out of money so i'm using 1 yen coins as place holders until i can go to the bank. current total: ¥2001
• i blogged last week and with this post am blogging this week as well. weekly blogging: 2/144

my 101 in 1001

thanks to my friend sara, i've been inspired to create a list of 101 things i want to accomplish in the next 1001 days. i'm officially starting today (june 24, 2011), which means i will finish by march 20, 2014 at 11:59:59 pm.

be forewarned, a number of the items on my list might be considered tmi ("too much information" for the layperson). here we go:

1- visit china

2- be vegetarian for 30 days (again)

3- blog weekly (0/144)

4- vlog monthly (0/34)

5- learn to play 10 new songs on the bass (0/10)

6- do the splits (front-ways)

7- do a street performance (dance or music)

8- read 50 books (0/50)

9- get rid of all my facial hair

10- translate and subtitle a japanese drama series

11- write and direct a movie

12- host a dinner party at my house (3+ guests)

13- learn how to make 10 classic drinks (0/10)

14- read 5 japanese novels (0/5)

15- record an album

16- visit australia

17- go inside a pachinko parlor

18- write a letter by hand

19- wax my legs

20- bike to mito

21- learn 5 new recipes for every meal (0/15)

22- read the qur'an

23- appear on japanese tv

24- amass a savings of 1,000,000 yen (approx. $12,000)

25- take a yoga class

26- start/join a band

27- be "out" at work

28- bring a sketchbook to the zoo and draw animals

29- memorize the lyrics to 20 japanese songs (0/20)

30- engage in a gyoza-eating competition

31- pass jlpt level 1

32- legally change my name

33- take one picture a day for 30 days in a row

34- make an animated short

35- learn 15 pop dance routines (0/15)

36- find and meet with a therapist

37- visit shikoku

38- visit okinawa

39- make my own kimchi

40- drink beer in a bowling alley

41- watch "buffy the vampire slayer" in its entirety

42- NaNoWriMo

43- learn the prefectures and capitals of japan

44- do an all-day photo shoot

45- take in a bath in something aside from water

46- develop my own series of english, japanese, and chinese lessons

47- make a friend online and meet them in real life

48- literally meet someone for a cup of coffee

49- convince a friend to visit me in japan

50- buy an apron

51- have a sleepover at my house (2+ guests)

52- go to and use the public library

53- go to 20 new bars (0/20)

54- memorize 10 monologues in english and japanese (0/20)

55- buy an area rug

56- memorize the names and numbers of the first 151 pokemon in japanese

57- make a snow angel

58- survive a summer without turning on my ac

59- write a comedy routine

60- wear sunglasses at night

61- experience love

62- do a scavenger hunt

63- learn to play the ocarina

64- draw/write a graphic novel

65- buy something just to smash it

66- eat an entire meal upside down

67- draw my self portrait with crayons

68- sleep in the storage closet under my bed

69- decide what kanji i would use to represent my name

70- organize an enkai

71- get a part time job completely unrelated to teaching

72- dress as dr. girlfriend for halloween or some other costumed occasion

73- make an avocado milkshake

74- find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie-pop

75- get rid of the boys (like you cared to know?)

76- eat a block of cheese in one sitting

77- play hide and seek with people my age

78- watch the best picture winners/nominees from 1996-2010 (0/56)

79- sing a david bowie song at karaoke

80- be homeless for a week

81- go 30 days without facebook

82- go 12 days without the internet

83- design the floor plan of my dream house

84- swallow a piece of gum

85- develop the habit of brushing and flossing daily

86- write a ransom note using letters/words cut out from magazines

87- roll down a grassy hill

88- be someone's slave for a day

89- write 70 poems (0/70)

90- fly a kite

91- win a staring contest

92- visit south korea

93- learn how to sew

94- pick up a chicken

95- make a savory vegetarian sandwich with at least 5 ingredients

96- give a high five to each of the following: a policeman, a cook, and a store clerk

97- eat fresh wasabi root

98- ride my bike while completely drunk

99- swim a mile

100- volunteer

101- lose my virginity to someone i care about

gyaku-nanpa!

first, some business.

• i found a soda that i immensely enjoy: pepsi dry. it has about 1/5 the sugar of regular pepsi and no artificial sweeteners—making for a crisp, subtle cola.

• i went to a club a few cities south of here, discovering i don't need to go all the way to tokyo to boogie.
• i just finished watching the drama 「ママは昔パパだった」 ("Mom Used to Be Dad"). once the torrents finish (i had to watch most of it on tudou) i'll add english subtitles and distribute to those interested.

the way i've set this up, the above was business, which would make the following pleasure? personal? i'll go with personal because it reminds me of the godfather.

this is more or less a public record, so i feel a little weird about saying this here, but i don't like someone. and i'm pretty sure the feeling isn't at all mutual. we have similar interests, hobbies, and what-have-you. we also are in similar living situations. i just can't like someone with such a icky heart.

to be a little less vague—this is someone who sees women as objects for the taking (and as "things" that he is entitled to), and other men (even friends) as potential obstacles. maybe i've been sheltered, and this is actually more common than i thought.

so why am i getting all riled up about some chauvinistic acquaintance? i suppose because it's personal (i knew the godfather choice would make sense!). both the girl in question and her actual love interest are friends of mine. i think it'd bother me regardless—this just makes it more unsettling.

new topic. something less upsetting.

i got proposed to on monday. by this girl:

whenever i see her, she's usually staring at me, drooling, and mumbling to herself things like 「超かっこいい」. then out of nowhere she asked me to marry her. i said "yes" of course, but i did tell her it might be logistically difficult, my being twice her age and her teacher.

and you thought my blog was slowly dying!

random bullet-point-post!

• i was recently informed that the correct way to pronounce david bowie's last name is BOW-ee (as in "people bow in japan" not "bow and arrow"). i trust the informers because they're british.

• new 5 minute long vlog tour of my apartment in japan. youtube link on the left.

• showing up to an enkai (japanese dinner/drinking party) uninvited is awkward.

• i've only been here a month, but utah feels like it was ages ago.

• being a foreigner in japan is in many ways similar to being a non-mormon in utah. maybe i just don't like to fit in?

• maintaining two identities is annoying. i'm wondering if i can get away with having everyone call me sami, even at work...

• a proper meal!

• i want to learn how to shop for groceries correctly. i tend to buy whatever, and if it's fresh it goes bad before i can remember to eat it (tofu excluded).

• roundtrip flights to most places in the u.s. are around $3000 this summer. i don't think i'll be making it back for a visit anytime soon.

• i had this wonderful unwritten list of things i wanted to start doing everyday, but then i never got in the habit of doing any of them. they are: stretching to improve flexibility, studying japanese, practicing good hygiene, working on a more female voice, and reading for pleasure.

• the flaming lips.

• i'm trying to learn how to think in metric. the only one i've managed so far is kilometers (1k = a 10 minute walk).

• that might have been a lie. i think i've got a system for celsius too (below 5 = cold, 5-15 = chilly, 15-25 = warm, above 25 = hot).

• tranny party in tokyo next week! i'm so there!

• i've officially started up beer club here. thus far i've been the only one in attendance, but i have faith that i'll find some lovers of good beer soon.

• the espresso stout:

• teaching english is fun, but teaching japanese is more fun!

in the bierit of things

about 2 weeks ago something weird happened. i was concerned that i might get fired and/or deported. but that wasn't the weird thing.

i sat alone in a hotel room in an unfamiliar city. i had no internet and no (usable) phone. and in my aloneness (and perhaps loneliness as well) as i was contemplating worst case scenarios, this weird thing happened.

"SAY IT ALREADY!"

hold your horses. this weird thing, well, i feel like it gives a good insight into my spirituality—or my sense of connection with things. so i'd like to, if i may, back up just a little bit to take a look at how my ideas and beliefs came to be where they are today.

but before i even digress, i'd like to bid a simple farewell to my phone of 4 years.

lychee, you will be missed.

speaking of phone names (most of my devices have fruit names), i still need to name my new AWESOME phone:

lucy! ok, now that we've settled that, maybe we can get back to my original tangent.

truthfully, my spiritual life began well before i left mormonism, but i had a pretty narrow view of things, which didn't make for very rapid growth. so for convenience's sake—and to not make this another "why i'm not mormon anymore" post—let's start with late fall of 2009.

i was a bit aimless at the time (being between belief systems—you know how it is), but i learned a great lesson: beer.

yes, beer. i learned that i didn't have to judge people anymore. i didn't have to put myself on some moral high ground. what do breaking the ice, reconciling differences, and making memories have in common? they all start with beer.

"come on in! grab yourself a beer from the fridge."

i know to some i'll sound like an alcoholic. so for those of you who don't get what i'm talking about, let me put it in other terms.

i'm just going to assume you like ice cream (everyone does, right?). let's say your parents raised you on a no-refined-sugar diet. you hear all the other kids talking about ice cream. you probably even see them eating it. it looks like they're having fun. but as you remember your parents warning ("if you eat ice cream you will get fat, you will get diabetes, and YOU WILL DIE!") you reassure yourself that you're better off. and besides the health risks, ice cream is just plain immoral. it leads people to do bad things—there's a definite correlation between ice cream consumption and crime rates.

and armed with your science and your sense of morality you turn your nose up at the other kids. perhaps you don't want to feel isolated so you tone it down in front of them. "oh yeah, well i don't do ice cream, but if you guys want to do it that's cool, i guess." or maybe you lay it on a bit thicker, "oh yeah, it looks good and all. i just don't want to become a fat-ass."

and then some friend of yours has a whole gallon of chocolate, and starts puking all over the place. you even hold their hair for them while that melted pancreatic blast comes shooting out of their mouth.

"i've made the right decision. i'm not like one of them," you say. and i suppose you aren't. you inevitably split ways after high school, because they're going on to experience life, and you're going elsewhere to celebrate the fact that you don't have one. because really, is a life without ice cream even a life at all?

but as you age you slowly begin to question those immutable facts you held dear for so many years. and then when you're at your weakest, an old friend offers you a scoop of moose tracks.

nothing could have prepared you for this. it's so fucking good you can't handle it. you swear off the strong stuff and dabble around in vanilla for a little while. and you start to go out again and meet people. you go to baskin robbins and ben & jerry's. you start to see people as your equals—not as malcreants. and life is sweet.

so it is with beer. sure you could overdo it or be irresponsible. but you can also do that with prescription drugs, ice cream, shopping, and the beatles.

and when (or if?) you develop your own palate for beer, you may get excited over something like this:

i finally found decent beer in japan! i have a pale ale, an amber, and an espresso stout in my fridge that i'm dying to try (though i'm not thrilled with the price: ~$5/bottle).

back to spirituality. beer helped me begin to see all people as my equals, and not as poor lost souls that i needed to help. and that's not because i became a scum-of-the-earth drunkard. rather, it's because i tore down the wall of moral superiority. and it felt (and feels) great.

and this post is already so long that i might as well get back to the weird thing without going through the rest of my spiritual journey.

i let japan go.

yes, you heard me right. i came to peace with the fact that i don't have total control over my future. and whether or not japan's in my future, i'm ready for it.

i suppose it took the threat of losing my visa and getting kicked out of the country to finally have a healthy outlook on career and life goals. but i'm ok with that.

oh, and i'm not getting fired or deported or anything like that. yet. or that i'm aware of.

i mean, there's no need for alarm. i'm in a stable work and living situation, and there's no reason to assume or predict that anything like that would happen now.

so let's just let it go, ok?

visual aid

it's not all unicorns and rainbows.

here is a chart to illustrate the above point:

though rainbows and unicorns win a clear majority, my life is at least 19% anger and sadness, and the remaining 9% is kafkaesque.

but lately, with the impending move it's felt more like 33-33-33. i'm saying goodbye to family, friends, stability, the familiar, convenience. but i'm about to welcome independence, new friends, adventure, my future.

am i entering adulthood finally? or will this be a sort of second childhood? (i'm leaning toward the second. being mature is stupid :P)

transition has felt very much on hold lately. electrolysis is moving forward quite well (my cheeks is gettin oh so smoove!), but it keeps me from shaving most of the week. beyond that though, i'm worried about going to japan and not having an in-person support network. i was hired as a man, and so for the time being that's how i'll appear in professional contexts. i'm hoping the company has a somewhat favorable attitude toward LGBT—i'll have to talk to HR once i'm there.

of course there's still plenty of things i can do without going en femme full time. i need to find a therapist and hormone doc once i'm settled in japan. i think there is a electrolysis clinic near to where i'll live. i'd like to work on speaking with a more feminine-sounding voice—meaning i need to practice at home. i need to get better at doing my makeup too, since without outside help i often give myself zombie eyes ^o^

it feels like a setback, given the momentum i had back in january, but i gotta remember that i can't do everything at once. one step at a time.

i've almost gotten rid of all my random junk i've been trying to push on everyone. seeing the dentist tomorrow. my to do list is slowly shrinking. i think i'm moving for real.