i've recently started getting into podcasts, which is great because i have a 30-minute walking commute.
thus far, i've listened to "trans-ponder" (a podcast by two trans-women who discuss transgender issues) and "this american life" (a public radio news show that focuses on a different theme each episode). here, check 'em out:
i'm testing out a few others, but i'll hold off on naming them now in case i lose interest by episode 2.
i had been feeling a bit isolated and cut off from the outside world (beyond the bubble of this city)—i don't have any trans friends here, and only one good friend who's american.
but now i feel a little more grounded. (^-^) thanks, podcasts!
i have an appointment to see a doctor (transgender specialist) in about 3 1/2 weeks. i'm a little nervous that i'll have to start from square one, since we're talking new country new doctor. :-/
maybe i should translate my letters from my last therapist into japanese...
i've been thinking a bit lately about transition and where i am at the moment. i'm mostly in boy-mode / androgynous-mode, all the while taking hormones and taking care of permanent facial hair removal.
i think people get a weird impression of me. quite a few people have assumed (or at least questioned) that i'm gay. i don't imagine people would think i'm trans, without my telling them.
does it bother me? not really. just an observation (^o^)
i bet things will just slowly shift from "he's gay...?" to "she's a he...?" and maybe ultimately to "she's a lesbian...?"
or maybe not. don't know if i'm that butch.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Sunday, March 11, 2012
リンゴ酢 yo
i'm not sure how i forgot to mention this, but my head is all better!
so how did i do it? behold!
apple cider vinegar.
yup. 1 part water, 1 part acv. used it like shampoo. two weeks later, my head was good as new.
i learned some interesting facts along the way.
in other news, naruto:
so how did i do it? behold!
apple cider vinegar.
yup. 1 part water, 1 part acv. used it like shampoo. two weeks later, my head was good as new.
i learned some interesting facts along the way.
- vinegar burns your eyes. i would have guessed as much, but now i know.
- vinegar stings on open wounds and freshly shaven skin. i wasn't sure about sunburns, but i decided against testing it out last week after i got bright pink from a day of snowboarding.
- vinegar odors dissipate quickly. i usually stop smelling like a salad about an hour after showering.
in other news, naruto:
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
life
here we go—the second post i've been meaning to write.
on valentine's day i went out with some friends for dinner to an awesome ramen place here in hitachi. i gave them their valentine's chocolates (see previous post) as we were just finishing up our bowls.
my phone vibrated—it was a facebook notification. it was a wall post from a friend back in america. i hadn't heard from him in a long while, so i was anxious to see what was up.
he posted a link whose caption read: "Melissa Joy Dietzel: Decomposing body of woman found 30ft up tree in Sydney is missing US tourist".
what.
the.
hell.
???????????
melissa WROTE the article? no...melissa IS the decomposing body?
it's a joke. he posted some sick joke on my wall.
he's said some pretty mean things about her before. but...really?
load. load. FUCKING LOAD!
"Was it suicide?...decomposing body of a young woman...the remains of Melissa Joy Dietzel, 22, of Redlands, California, were found by a tree surgeon..."
ramen ended awkwardly. i don't think my friends knew what to say. i didn't know what to say.
when i got home i poured over every article i could get my hands on. i read all the posts on her wall back to when she was last heard from in november.
but what was i to her? what was she to me? i didn't even know that she had been missing!
we hadn't spoken in quite a few months. we last hung out a few weeks before i moved to japan last april.
when did i first meet melissa? was it 2009?
i remember it was the fourth of july. swappo met her at smith's or a 7-11 or something and invited her to hang out with us.
we hung out a lot that summer. must've been 2010 (i was in japan in the summer of 2009). really? i'd only known her for a year and a half?
was it really a suicide? there must have been some sort of foul play. she wouldn't have taken her own life!
she was so chill. down to earth. upbeat. people like HER don't just call it quits.
my thoughts were all over the place.
i know somewhere, someone has written down the stages of grief.
i don't really care to look up what they are, but here's what i felt:
"shock" --> "denial" --> "bizarro" --> "sad" --> "bittersweet" --> "sad (again)" --> "wait, did something happen?" --> "reflective" --> "distracted" --> "anxious to blog"
i'm sorry i just vomited all over you, but i needed to get it out.
life gives us lessons, and death does too. it may be a futile hope, but i want to keep this feeling—that life is too short to be mean or petty. you just gotta love.
hope i can be as rad as you someday. you are and will be missed.
on valentine's day i went out with some friends for dinner to an awesome ramen place here in hitachi. i gave them their valentine's chocolates (see previous post) as we were just finishing up our bowls.
my phone vibrated—it was a facebook notification. it was a wall post from a friend back in america. i hadn't heard from him in a long while, so i was anxious to see what was up.
he posted a link whose caption read: "Melissa Joy Dietzel: Decomposing body of woman found 30ft up tree in Sydney is missing US tourist".
what.
the.
hell.
???????????
melissa WROTE the article? no...melissa IS the decomposing body?
it's a joke. he posted some sick joke on my wall.
he's said some pretty mean things about her before. but...really?
load. load. FUCKING LOAD!
"Was it suicide?...decomposing body of a young woman...the remains of Melissa Joy Dietzel, 22, of Redlands, California, were found by a tree surgeon..."
---------------------------
ramen ended awkwardly. i don't think my friends knew what to say. i didn't know what to say.
when i got home i poured over every article i could get my hands on. i read all the posts on her wall back to when she was last heard from in november.
but what was i to her? what was she to me? i didn't even know that she had been missing!
we hadn't spoken in quite a few months. we last hung out a few weeks before i moved to japan last april.
when did i first meet melissa? was it 2009?
i remember it was the fourth of july. swappo met her at smith's or a 7-11 or something and invited her to hang out with us.
we hung out a lot that summer. must've been 2010 (i was in japan in the summer of 2009). really? i'd only known her for a year and a half?
was it really a suicide? there must have been some sort of foul play. she wouldn't have taken her own life!
she was so chill. down to earth. upbeat. people like HER don't just call it quits.
---------------------------
my thoughts were all over the place.
i know somewhere, someone has written down the stages of grief.
i don't really care to look up what they are, but here's what i felt:
"shock" --> "denial" --> "bizarro" --> "sad" --> "bittersweet" --> "sad (again)" --> "wait, did something happen?" --> "reflective" --> "distracted" --> "anxious to blog"
---------------------------
i'm sorry i just vomited all over you, but i needed to get it out.
life gives us lessons, and death does too. it may be a futile hope, but i want to keep this feeling—that life is too short to be mean or petty. you just gotta love.
---------------------------
hope i can be as rad as you someday. you are and will be missed.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
the first
i have a lot to write about. let's see if i can't get back into blogging on a regular basis.
now, i don't want to overwhelm you (or myself, for that matter). that's why i'm only going to cover one topic in this post.
the topic? chocolate!
in the weeks leading up to valentine's, japan became focused on one thing: chocolate. and i felt that i should join in on the excitement.
you see, valentine's day is special in japan. it's a day when a girl gives chocolate to the boy she likes. typically she makes it herself (store-bought chocolates just lack that personal touch, ya know?). of course, she also makes chocolate for her friends (義理チョコ girichoko - "obligation chocolate").
now, i don't have a boy i like (or a girl), so i decided to just make some girichoko. originally i planned to make enough for all the other teachers at work, but...well, we'll get to that.
making chocolate!
so i found a nice confectionary cookbook at my school library, and i took a picture of some key pages on chocolate making.
here's the recipe i ended up going with:
it's a pretty simple one. chocolate nut clusters.
i didn't have a thermometer, which meant a little bit of guesswork. and i didn't have the patience to cut the chocolate into fine bits before i melted it down, so i'm sure i strayed pretty far from the temperatures i was supposed to aim for.
and not having an oven i had to roast the nuts on an electric stove in a nonstick pan. definitely less than ideal. i nearly burned some, while others remained blissfully raw.
again being lazy, i didn't want to chop the almonds by hand, so i stuck 'em in my coffee grinder. within 2 seconds i had nut powder. oops. i decided to chop the rest of the nuts with a knife.
temperature control with the chocolate was difficult once i added the nuts. the first few globs of nutty chocolate i put on the sheet looked alright, but the chocolate was slowly hardening and becoming more difficult to coax off of the spoon. so the last 10 looked a bit choppy.
well you can see for yourself:
i sprinkled some coconut on top, hoping it would stick since the chocolate was still quite soft. it didn't really stick, but it was a nice thought.
the batch was supposed to yield 20, but because the chocolate was hardening i had less control of the size of each successive piece. i ended up with 15, and had enough ingredients to make another batch. but i needed 40 for everyone to have one. so i thought, better that no one gets them than some people feel left out.
so i just called it good, and dedicated the batch to my friends (who i would have made a third batch for, had portions worked out properly).
it was well received, so i either did something right, or i have nice friends.
and now i can make chocolate (i think)!
now, i don't want to overwhelm you (or myself, for that matter). that's why i'm only going to cover one topic in this post.
the topic? chocolate!
in the weeks leading up to valentine's, japan became focused on one thing: chocolate. and i felt that i should join in on the excitement.
you see, valentine's day is special in japan. it's a day when a girl gives chocolate to the boy she likes. typically she makes it herself (store-bought chocolates just lack that personal touch, ya know?). of course, she also makes chocolate for her friends (義理チョコ girichoko - "obligation chocolate").
now, i don't have a boy i like (or a girl), so i decided to just make some girichoko. originally i planned to make enough for all the other teachers at work, but...well, we'll get to that.
making chocolate!
so i found a nice confectionary cookbook at my school library, and i took a picture of some key pages on chocolate making.
here's the recipe i ended up going with:
it's a pretty simple one. chocolate nut clusters.
i didn't have a thermometer, which meant a little bit of guesswork. and i didn't have the patience to cut the chocolate into fine bits before i melted it down, so i'm sure i strayed pretty far from the temperatures i was supposed to aim for.
and not having an oven i had to roast the nuts on an electric stove in a nonstick pan. definitely less than ideal. i nearly burned some, while others remained blissfully raw.
again being lazy, i didn't want to chop the almonds by hand, so i stuck 'em in my coffee grinder. within 2 seconds i had nut powder. oops. i decided to chop the rest of the nuts with a knife.
temperature control with the chocolate was difficult once i added the nuts. the first few globs of nutty chocolate i put on the sheet looked alright, but the chocolate was slowly hardening and becoming more difficult to coax off of the spoon. so the last 10 looked a bit choppy.
well you can see for yourself:
i sprinkled some coconut on top, hoping it would stick since the chocolate was still quite soft. it didn't really stick, but it was a nice thought.
the batch was supposed to yield 20, but because the chocolate was hardening i had less control of the size of each successive piece. i ended up with 15, and had enough ingredients to make another batch. but i needed 40 for everyone to have one. so i thought, better that no one gets them than some people feel left out.
so i just called it good, and dedicated the batch to my friends (who i would have made a third batch for, had portions worked out properly).
it was well received, so i either did something right, or i have nice friends.
and now i can make chocolate (i think)!
Friday, January 27, 2012
bus post am short (@@)
greetings from a bus!
i had something important to write about, but in the time it took me to figure out how to disable auto-capitalization i forgot what it was. (-_-)
on a loosely related note, i had a thought the other day that i should make a post about everything that i don't like about myself. that might end up in some really dark territory, but it could also be very therapeutic. i'm not gonna write that one now, so let's change the topic!
i'm 27. that just happened. sometimes i feel old. luckily someone's always there to tell me i'm being silly. 26 was a weird year. definitely not bad, but strange nonetheless.
well this has been unsubstantitive and short. let's hope for something better next time. (^_~)
i had something important to write about, but in the time it took me to figure out how to disable auto-capitalization i forgot what it was. (-_-)
on a loosely related note, i had a thought the other day that i should make a post about everything that i don't like about myself. that might end up in some really dark territory, but it could also be very therapeutic. i'm not gonna write that one now, so let's change the topic!
i'm 27. that just happened. sometimes i feel old. luckily someone's always there to tell me i'm being silly. 26 was a weird year. definitely not bad, but strange nonetheless.
well this has been unsubstantitive and short. let's hope for something better next time. (^_~)
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
the forecast. believe it.
101 in 1001. let's reevaluate.
1, 2, 6-13, 15-17, 19-23, 25-39, 43-47, 49-52, 54, 56-60, 62-68, 70-76, 80-83, 85-93, 95, 97, 99, 100— incomplete. no change.
here's what i've done and what i'm changing:
"3- blog weekly (xx/144)" — change to "3- write 144 blog entries". current progress: 16/144.
"4- vlog monthly (x/34)" — change to "4- post 34 vlog entries". current progress: 2/34.
"5- learn to play 10 new songs on the bass (x/10)" — change to "5- learn to play 15 new complete songs on any instrument". current progress: 0/15.
"14- read 5 japanese novels (x/5)" — current progress: 1/5. i read 星の王子さま ("the little prince" translated into japanese).
"18- write a letter by hand" — i may have done this, but because i can't remember for sure, we'll count this as still incomplete.
"24- amass a savings of 1,000,000 yen (approx. $12,000)" — current progress: ¥280,000.
"40- drink beer in a bowling alley" — completed. not really that special.
"41- watch 'buffy the vampire slayer' in its entirety" — current progress: watching season 5 of 7.
"42- NaNoWriMo" — incomplete. i failed this year, so i'll have to try again next year.
"48- literally meet someone for a cup of coffee" — completed. i've done this twice now.
"53- go to 20 new bars (x/20)" — current progress: 7/20. let's see if i can remember their names... tanya, drunken duck (katsuta), drunken duck (mito), second earth. can't remember the other three. one was jamaican themed. one okinawan. and one was a really tiny hole in the wall in mito.
"55- buy an area rug" — completed.
"61- experience love" — this happened, but was one-sided. change to "61- experience requited love". as such, incomplete.
"69- decide what kanji i would use to represent my name" — completed. after some consideration, i've decided to go with the rather normal combo "佐美".
i have a feeling i'll get that elusive "76" soon (the cheese one).
"77- play hide and seek with people my age" — completed. after thanksgiving dinner.
"78- watch the best picture winners/nominees from 1996-2010 (x/56)" — current progress: 7/56. most recently i watched "precious" and "good will hunting". both are fantastic films.
"79- sing a david bowie song at karaoke" — completed. i've sung "space oddity" and "star man".
"84- swallow a piece of gum" — completed. i wonder where it is now?
"94- pick up a chicken" — i held a chicken at the zoo a few months ago, but it was handed to me so i don't think i should count it since i didn't exactly pick it up myself. as such, incomplete.
"96- give a high five to each of the following: a policeman, a cook, and a store clerk" — i don't think i really care to do this. change to "96- dye my hair".
"98- ride my bike while completely drunk" — completed. probably shouldn't do it again.
"101- lose my virginity to someone i care about" — things didn't really go according to plan on that one. sorry, but i don't care to elaborate. change to "101- become conversant in 2 more languages". not at all related, i know, but i couldn't think of anything else. and i really want to learn korean. and maybe french.
in other news i've had a great holiday! i hope to write about it soon.
1, 2, 6-13, 15-17, 19-23, 25-39, 43-47, 49-52, 54, 56-60, 62-68, 70-76, 80-83, 85-93, 95, 97, 99, 100— incomplete. no change.
here's what i've done and what i'm changing:
"3- blog weekly (xx/144)" — change to "3- write 144 blog entries". current progress: 16/144.
"4- vlog monthly (x/34)" — change to "4- post 34 vlog entries". current progress: 2/34.
"5- learn to play 10 new songs on the bass (x/10)" — change to "5- learn to play 15 new complete songs on any instrument". current progress: 0/15.
"14- read 5 japanese novels (x/5)" — current progress: 1/5. i read 星の王子さま ("the little prince" translated into japanese).
"18- write a letter by hand" — i may have done this, but because i can't remember for sure, we'll count this as still incomplete.
"24- amass a savings of 1,000,000 yen (approx. $12,000)" — current progress: ¥280,000.
"40- drink beer in a bowling alley" — completed. not really that special.
"41- watch 'buffy the vampire slayer' in its entirety" — current progress: watching season 5 of 7.
"42- NaNoWriMo" — incomplete. i failed this year, so i'll have to try again next year.
"48- literally meet someone for a cup of coffee" — completed. i've done this twice now.
"53- go to 20 new bars (x/20)" — current progress: 7/20. let's see if i can remember their names... tanya, drunken duck (katsuta), drunken duck (mito), second earth. can't remember the other three. one was jamaican themed. one okinawan. and one was a really tiny hole in the wall in mito.
"55- buy an area rug" — completed.
"61- experience love" — this happened, but was one-sided. change to "61- experience requited love". as such, incomplete.
"69- decide what kanji i would use to represent my name" — completed. after some consideration, i've decided to go with the rather normal combo "佐美".
i have a feeling i'll get that elusive "76" soon (the cheese one).
"77- play hide and seek with people my age" — completed. after thanksgiving dinner.
"78- watch the best picture winners/nominees from 1996-2010 (x/56)" — current progress: 7/56. most recently i watched "precious" and "good will hunting". both are fantastic films.
"79- sing a david bowie song at karaoke" — completed. i've sung "space oddity" and "star man".
"84- swallow a piece of gum" — completed. i wonder where it is now?
"94- pick up a chicken" — i held a chicken at the zoo a few months ago, but it was handed to me so i don't think i should count it since i didn't exactly pick it up myself. as such, incomplete.
"96- give a high five to each of the following: a policeman, a cook, and a store clerk" — i don't think i really care to do this. change to "96- dye my hair".
"98- ride my bike while completely drunk" — completed. probably shouldn't do it again.
"101- lose my virginity to someone i care about" — things didn't really go according to plan on that one. sorry, but i don't care to elaborate. change to "101- become conversant in 2 more languages". not at all related, i know, but i couldn't think of anything else. and i really want to learn korean. and maybe french.
in other news i've had a great holiday! i hope to write about it soon.
Friday, December 16, 2011
the colour and the shape of 2012
it's never too early to make new year's resolutions. but because nobody ever actually accomplishes the so-named resolutions, i think a name change is in order.
i'm hereby renaming my new year's resolutions "the forecast".
so here's the forecast:
1) i'm going to inquire at an american consulate about legal name changes.
looking back, it all probably would've been a lot less headache had i changed my name before leaving the country. (>_<) let's see if we can make it happen from overseas.
2) my scalp is going to be happy again.
if my current strategies don't produce results i'm going to find a new dermatologist—one who actually has time to listen.
3) i will finally contact/consult a japanese gender specialist doctor
i've had the contact info of a highly recommended guy for a while now. i have no excuse.
4) my 101 list will get revamped.
some items have been made obsolete. others i've lost interest in. with the gusto of a new year, 101 in 1001 will live again (and you'll see updates, too!)
5) i am going to take and pass N1 (japanese language proficiency test - 日本語能力試験).
i was going to take it in secret a few weeks ago, but i was feeling a bit ill and chickened out that day. either way i wouldn't have passed—i just wanted to see what the test was like to get an idea of how much more i'd have to know to pass it. i missed that chance to preview it, but i intend to obliterate the test. that's how awesome i intend to become. (note that "the forecast" only includes #5 itself. all the commentary afterwards is just me rambling.)
6) i will audition for something!
seriously. i can't be forgettin' my dreams now, ya know?
i'll possibly have some more things to add to the forecast later. but this is an ok start.
i'm hereby renaming my new year's resolutions "the forecast".
so here's the forecast:
1) i'm going to inquire at an american consulate about legal name changes.
looking back, it all probably would've been a lot less headache had i changed my name before leaving the country. (>_<) let's see if we can make it happen from overseas.
2) my scalp is going to be happy again.
if my current strategies don't produce results i'm going to find a new dermatologist—one who actually has time to listen.
3) i will finally contact/consult a japanese gender specialist doctor
i've had the contact info of a highly recommended guy for a while now. i have no excuse.
4) my 101 list will get revamped.
some items have been made obsolete. others i've lost interest in. with the gusto of a new year, 101 in 1001 will live again (and you'll see updates, too!)
5) i am going to take and pass N1 (japanese language proficiency test - 日本語能力試験).
i was going to take it in secret a few weeks ago, but i was feeling a bit ill and chickened out that day. either way i wouldn't have passed—i just wanted to see what the test was like to get an idea of how much more i'd have to know to pass it. i missed that chance to preview it, but i intend to obliterate the test. that's how awesome i intend to become. (note that "the forecast" only includes #5 itself. all the commentary afterwards is just me rambling.)
6) i will audition for something!
seriously. i can't be forgettin' my dreams now, ya know?
i'll possibly have some more things to add to the forecast later. but this is an ok start.
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