life

here we go—the second post i've been meaning to write.

on valentine's day i went out with some friends for dinner to an awesome ramen place here in hitachi. i gave them their valentine's chocolates (see previous post) as we were just finishing up our bowls.

my phone vibrated—it was a facebook notification. it was a wall post from a friend back in america. i hadn't heard from him in a long while, so i was anxious to see what was up.

he posted a link whose caption read: "Melissa Joy Dietzel: Decomposing body of woman found 30ft up tree in Sydney is missing US tourist".

what.

the.

hell.

???????????

melissa WROTE the article? no...melissa IS the decomposing body?

it's a joke. he posted some sick joke on my wall.

he's said some pretty mean things about her before. but...really?

load. load. FUCKING LOAD!

"Was it suicide?...decomposing body of a young woman...the remains of Melissa Joy Dietzel, 22, of Redlands, California, were found by a tree surgeon..."

---------------------------

ramen ended awkwardly. i don't think my friends knew what to say. i didn't know what to say.

when i got home i poured over every article i could get my hands on. i read all the posts on her wall back to when she was last heard from in november.

but what was i to her? what was she to me? i didn't even know that she had been missing!

we hadn't spoken in quite a few months. we last hung out a few weeks before i moved to japan last april.

when did i first meet melissa? was it 2009?

i remember it was the fourth of july. swappo met her at smith's or a 7-11 or something and invited her to hang out with us.

we hung out a lot that summer. must've been 2010 (i was in japan in the summer of 2009). really? i'd only known her for a year and a half?

was it really a suicide? there must have been some sort of foul play. she wouldn't have taken her own life!

she was so chill. down to earth. upbeat. people like HER don't just call it quits.

---------------------------

my thoughts were all over the place.

i know somewhere, someone has written down the stages of grief.

i don't really care to look up what they are, but here's what i felt:

"shock" --> "denial" --> "bizarro" --> "sad" --> "bittersweet" --> "sad (again)" --> "wait, did something happen?" --> "reflective" --> "distracted" --> "anxious to blog"

---------------------------

i'm sorry i just vomited all over you, but i needed to get it out.

life gives us lessons, and death does too. it may be a futile hope, but i want to keep this feeling—that life is too short to be mean or petty. you just gotta love.

---------------------------

hope i can be as rad as you someday. you are and will be missed.

the first

i have a lot to write about. let's see if i can't get back into blogging on a regular basis.

now, i don't want to overwhelm you (or myself, for that matter). that's why i'm only going to cover one topic in this post.

the topic? chocolate!

in the weeks leading up to valentine's, japan became focused on one thing: chocolate. and i felt that i should join in on the excitement.

you see, valentine's day is special in japan. it's a day when a girl gives chocolate to the boy she likes. typically she makes it herself (store-bought chocolates just lack that personal touch, ya know?). of course, she also makes chocolate for her friends (義理チョコ girichoko - "obligation chocolate").

now, i don't have a boy i like (or a girl), so i decided to just make some girichoko. originally i planned to make enough for all the other teachers at work, but...well, we'll get to that.

making chocolate!

so i found a nice confectionary cookbook at my school library, and i took a picture of some key pages on chocolate making.

here's the recipe i ended up going with:

it's a pretty simple one. chocolate nut clusters.

i didn't have a thermometer, which meant a little bit of guesswork. and i didn't have the patience to cut the chocolate into fine bits before i melted it down, so i'm sure i strayed pretty far from the temperatures i was supposed to aim for.

and not having an oven i had to roast the nuts on an electric stove in a nonstick pan. definitely less than ideal. i nearly burned some, while others remained blissfully raw.

again being lazy, i didn't want to chop the almonds by hand, so i stuck 'em in my coffee grinder. within 2 seconds i had nut powder. oops. i decided to chop the rest of the nuts with a knife.

temperature control with the chocolate was difficult once i added the nuts. the first few globs of nutty chocolate i put on the sheet looked alright, but the chocolate was slowly hardening and becoming more difficult to coax off of the spoon. so the last 10 looked a bit choppy.

well you can see for yourself:

i sprinkled some coconut on top, hoping it would stick since the chocolate was still quite soft. it didn't really stick, but it was a nice thought.

the batch was supposed to yield 20, but because the chocolate was hardening i had less control of the size of each successive piece. i ended up with 15, and had enough ingredients to make another batch. but i needed 40 for everyone to have one. so i thought, better that no one gets them than some people feel left out.

so i just called it good, and dedicated the batch to my friends (who i would have made a third batch for, had portions worked out properly).

it was well received, so i either did something right, or i have nice friends.

and now i can make chocolate (i think)!

bus post am short (@@)

greetings from a bus!

i had something important to write about, but in the time it took me to figure out how to disable auto-capitalization i forgot what it was. (-_-)

on a loosely related note, i had a thought the other day that i should make a post about everything that i don't like about myself. that might end up in some really dark territory, but it could also be very therapeutic. i'm not gonna write that one now, so let's change the topic!

i'm 27. that just happened. sometimes i feel old. luckily someone's always there to tell me i'm being silly. 26 was a weird year. definitely not bad, but strange nonetheless.

well this has been unsubstantitive and short. let's hope for something better next time. (^_~)

the forecast. believe it.

101 in 1001. let's reevaluate.

1, 2, 6-13, 15-17, 19-23, 25-39, 43-47, 49-52, 54, 56-60, 62-68, 70-76, 80-83, 85-93, 95, 97, 99, 100— incomplete. no change.

here's what i've done and what i'm changing:

"3- blog weekly (xx/144)" — change to "3- write 144 blog entries". current progress: 16/144.

"4- vlog monthly (x/34)" — change to "4- post 34 vlog entries". current progress: 2/34.

"5- learn to play 10 new songs on the bass (x/10)" — change to "5- learn to play 15 new complete songs on any instrument". current progress: 0/15.

"14- read 5 japanese novels (x/5)" — current progress: 1/5. i read 星の王子さま ("the little prince" translated into japanese).

"18- write a letter by hand" — i may have done this, but because i can't remember for sure, we'll count this as still incomplete.

"24- amass a savings of 1,000,000 yen (approx. $12,000)" — current progress: ¥280,000.

"40- drink beer in a bowling alley" — completed. not really that special.

"41- watch 'buffy the vampire slayer' in its entirety" — current progress: watching season 5 of 7.

"42- NaNoWriMo" — incomplete. i failed this year, so i'll have to try again next year.

"48- literally meet someone for a cup of coffee" — completed. i've done this twice now.

"53- go to 20 new bars (x/20)" — current progress: 7/20. let's see if i can remember their names... tanya, drunken duck (katsuta), drunken duck (mito), second earth. can't remember the other three. one was jamaican themed. one okinawan. and one was a really tiny hole in the wall in mito.

"55- buy an area rug" — completed.

"61- experience love" — this happened, but was one-sided. change to "61- experience requited love". as such, incomplete.

"69- decide what kanji i would use to represent my name" — completed. after some consideration, i've decided to go with the rather normal combo "佐美".

i have a feeling i'll get that elusive "76" soon (the cheese one).

"77- play hide and seek with people my age" — completed. after thanksgiving dinner.

"78- watch the best picture winners/nominees from 1996-2010 (x/56)" — current progress: 7/56. most recently i watched "precious" and "good will hunting". both are fantastic films.

"79- sing a david bowie song at karaoke" — completed. i've sung "space oddity" and "star man".

"84- swallow a piece of gum" — completed. i wonder where it is now?

"94- pick up a chicken" — i held a chicken at the zoo a few months ago, but it was handed to me so i don't think i should count it since i didn't exactly pick it up myself. as such, incomplete.

"96- give a high five to each of the following: a policeman, a cook, and a store clerk" — i don't think i really care to do this. change to "96- dye my hair".

"98- ride my bike while completely drunk" — completed. probably shouldn't do it again.

"101- lose my virginity to someone i care about" — things didn't really go according to plan on that one. sorry, but i don't care to elaborate. change to "101- become conversant in 2 more languages". not at all related, i know, but i couldn't think of anything else. and i really want to learn korean. and maybe french.


in other news i've had a great holiday! i hope to write about it soon.

the colour and the shape of 2012

it's never too early to make new year's resolutions. but because nobody ever actually accomplishes the so-named resolutions, i think a name change is in order.

i'm hereby renaming my new year's resolutions "the forecast".

so here's the forecast:

1) i'm going to inquire at an american consulate about legal name changes.

looking back, it all probably would've been a lot less headache had i changed my name before leaving the country. (>_<) let's see if we can make it happen from overseas.

2) my scalp is going to be happy again.

if my current strategies don't produce results i'm going to find a new dermatologist—one who actually has time to listen.

3) i will finally contact/consult a japanese gender specialist doctor

i've had the contact info of a highly recommended guy for a while now. i have no excuse.

4) my 101 list will get revamped.

some items have been made obsolete. others i've lost interest in. with the gusto of a new year, 101 in 1001 will live again (and you'll see updates, too!)

5) i am going to take and pass N1 (japanese language proficiency test - 日本語能力試験).

i was going to take it in secret a few weeks ago, but i was feeling a bit ill and chickened out that day. either way i wouldn't have passed—i just wanted to see what the test was like to get an idea of how much more i'd have to know to pass it. i missed that chance to preview it, but i intend to obliterate the test. that's how awesome i intend to become. (note that "the forecast" only includes #5 itself. all the commentary afterwards is just me rambling.)

6) i will audition for something!

seriously. i can't be forgettin' my dreams now, ya know?


i'll possibly have some more things to add to the forecast later. but this is an ok start.

what you didn't want to know about my head...

the battle for my scalp just got serious.

i wanted to grow out my hair (it was coming along so nicely!). but for the sake of a healthy head (that actually has some hair left on it), i had to cut it.

ever since late may (about 1 month after i moved to japan), i've had three huge, lingering, and terribly itchy scabs on my scalp. one's front and center, and the other two are on either side slightly above and behind the ears.

this also happened both times i came to japan previously, but then cleared up after i went back to america.

so i thought—maybe it's a problem with japanese shampoo? or something in the environment?

with that hope, i determined to bear my affliction until august, when i'd be in america for a few days and could get my hands on some safe shampoo.

all the while it got bigger and itchier, and more hair found its way to shower drain.

then at last i had the promised shampoo!—$1-suave from walmart.

but nothing changed. i wouldn't say it got worse after switching shampoos, but the leprosy has just run its course a little more, and yet more hair has ended up in my drain.

***grotesque picture interlude***

so i cut my hair, and lo and behold there was irritated, hairless skin underneath!

here is the hair i cut from that region of my head. THIS WAS HANGING OFF MY HEAD. it's as though my scalp melted and re-solidified with all my hair held captive, and then slowly peeled away from my head leaving me with thoroughly uncombable and entirely disgusting hair.

***back to the narrative***

so i bit the bullet and went to see a dermatologist. after the slightest of glances, he prescribed me some sort of topical lotion. i was dubious, but had no other options, finding most google searches on the issue completely useless.

but i had a problem. lots of out-of-control semi-long curly hair, a large area of scalp to cover, and only a 10ml bottle of lotion? i tried. the areas that i could get did feel a little better, but it was just too hard to see/feel where i was putting it.

so i struggled with the decision to cut my hair. now that i have a four day weekend, i decided to do it, hoping that my now naked head can heal up before i have to go back to work.

but given the picture above, i don't think my head will look entirely normal for a little while. (ToT)

if the lotion doesn't work, i just stumbled across something that suggests this might be fungal—in which case using a apple cider vinegar + peroxide combo is supposedly quite effective.

hope my hair comes back.

speech! SPEECH!

so my last post was my rough draft of a speech i gave last week at a speech contest. i didn't win. but the participation prize was ¥5000 so i'm not complaining. :P

here's the final version of my speech (thanks to the friendly editors on lang-8 and friends here in japan!) and a sentence by sentence strict translation:


皆さん、こんにちは。

子供の頃のことをよく覚えていますか。嫌いな食べ物がいっぱいありましたね。納豆はどうでしたか？食べられましたか。それとも、大人になってから食べられるようになったのですか。まあ、今でも食べられない方もいると思いますが、一度成人したら、嫌いな食べ物は少なくなるでしょう。

私の場合、ライス、サラダ、キノコ、野菜などが大嫌いでした。生の人参以外はね。１４歳の頃、ニューヨーク市に引っ越すことになりました。新しい経験がたくさんありました。そして、両親と中華料理や韓国料理の店に月に何回も行きました。それをとおして、少しずつ以前に嫌いな物になれてきて、ついに「うぁ、うまい！これ」というところまでいったのです。

今は、野菜もご飯も大好きになって、嫌いな食べ物はほとんどありません。ウニだけですかね。しかし、私の友人の一人は完全に逆です。魚や脂が付いている肉はだめなので、日本に住んでいても和食を避けて、毎日マックで食事するらしいです。そんな彼と外食するのは大変です。それを考えたら、何でも食べられるようになった自分は、ラッキーですよね。誰とでも食事できるし、どこに行っても平気ですからね。しかも、選択肢があります。

飲み物もそうです。初めてコーヒーを飲んだ時はまずいと思ったのです。ミルクや砂糖を入れていなかったせいかもしれません。でもあきらめずに、飲み続けました。それは、二年前のことです。２４歳までコーヒーをずっと飲まなかった私が、どうしてこんなまずいものを好きになるまで飲み続けていたのでしょうか。それは、飲まないのは私だけじゃ寂しいし、「よかったらコーヒーでも飲みに行かない？」と言えずに、うまくデートに誘う事ができないんじゃないかというような事を思っていたからです。それで、だんだんどんな種類にもブラック・コーヒーにも慣れただけではなく、好きになりました。

確かに、新しい食べ物と飲み物を試して、味わう事が好きですけど、飲食関係ではない新しい経験も求めて、味わうのが好きだという事に最近気がつきました。今までの人生を振り返ってみると、それがはっきり分かりました。

高校を卒業した後、ニューヨークを出て、アメリカ西部のユタ州にある大学に入りました。一年後、学校を二年間休んで、自分の所属していた教会でボランティアをして、カリフォルニアに引っ越して、そこにある中国人の教会に入り、いろんな活動に参加しました。当然中国語も勉強していました。それが終わって、大学に戻って日本語を勉強しはじめたのです。日本語を専攻していて、卒業の一年前に時間があったので演劇の授業を受けることにしました。次の学期にクラスメートの劇に出て、その後、大学の夏芝居にも出演しました。それで、大学卒業して、今年四月に日本に引っ越してきたのです。

このように、新しい経験が次から次へとやってきます。これからも、未知の世界に挑みたいと思います。例えば、皆さんにかっこわるいと思われるかもしれませんけれども、コンビニか吉野家のようなバイトもしたいと思います。こういうのを体験すれば、同じような仕事をしている人の事をもっと分かるようになると思います。バイトの事だけではなく、他人の暮らし方、考え方、話し方などを試せば、いろんな人と関係ができるでしょう。コミュニケーションがとれるでしょう。

皆さん、いかがですか。未知の世界に行きませんか。向こうにはごちそうが私たちを待っています。さあ、行きましょう。

ありがとうございました。

hello everyone,

remember when you were a child? there were a lot of foods you hated, right? how about natto? did you eat that? or were you not able to eat until you were an adult? well, there are probably some people who still don't like it, but in general when we become adults we start to like many of the things we once hated.

in my case, i absolutely hated rice, salad, mushrooms, and all sorts of vegetables (raw carrots aside). when i was 14, my family moved to new york. i had many new experiences there. from around that time i started going out to eat a few times a month with my parents, often to chinese and korean restaurants. through that practice, i slowly became accustomed to eating those foods i previously hated, and even got to the point of feeling, "wow, this is GOOD."

now, i love vegetables and rice, and i feel like i no longer have any foods i genuinely dislike. except maybe sea-urchin. but i have a friend who's the complete opposite. he doesn't like fish and doesn't like meat that has any fat on it, so even though he lives in japan, he avoids japanese food, and basically eats at mcdonald's everyday. it's quite difficult to go out to eat with him. when i thought about that i realized that i'm very lucky that i can now eat anything. you see, i can go out to eat with anyone—it doesn't matter where we go because i'll be fine with whatever. and i have options.

it's the same with drinks. when i first tried coffee i thought it was disgusting. that might have been because there was no milk or sugar in it. but i didn't give up, and i kept drinking. so why exactly was i so determined to keep drinking coffee until i liked it, despite it being so gross? well, i felt a bit lonely being the only one who didn't drink coffee, and i wasn't sure if i could date properly or effectively without being able to say the words, "how about coffee sometime?". well eventually i not only came to tolerate all types/styles of coffee—even black—but i now legitimately like them.

clearly, i like trying and savoring new foods and drinks, but recently i realized that actually just like seeking out and enjoying new experiences, even ones unrelated to eating and drinking. looking back on my life, this is easy to see.

after i graduated high school, i left new york and went to a university in utah (a state in the western part of america). a year later, i took two years off to do volunteer work for the church i was in, and went to california to participate in the activities of a chinese congregation there. while i was there i studied chinese, naturally. after that, i returned to school and started studying japanese. i majored in japanese, and about 1 year before graduating i had some extra time, so i started taking acting classes. the next semester i appeared in some plays that my friends directed, and then i starred in my university's summer play. then i graduated and moved to japan this last april.

new experiences just come after the other. i want to continue exploring new worlds. for example, though i know you may not think much of me for this, i want to get a part time job at a convenience store or fast food joint. i feel that having this kind of experience would allow me to better understand the people who serve me at these establishments now. but not just part-time jobs—if we try out other people's ways of living, thinking, and talking we'll be ale to relate to them so much better. and we'll be able to communicate better.

well, what do you think? why don't you take a step or two into the unknown? there's a whole feast of new experiences waiting for us. so, shall we go?

thank you very much.